Debby Does Dallas

Debbie Does Dallas is a wonderful Victorian tale of love and betrayal, set upon the backdrop of post-Industrial Revolution Wales. Nah, it’s actually a cheesy 70's porno. It’ll get you off as long as you can keep from laughing yourself flaccid.

Just The Facts

  1. Debbie Does Dallas was the first commercially successful plot-based pornographic film to combine mindless teen sex with high school sports. Yeah, because everybody dreams of giving their school quarterback a rimjob.
  2. Actress Bambi Woods starred as Debbie and has since been presumed dead from a drug overdose or may secretly be living with her family in Iowa. Nobody knows for sure. Our guess is that she's probably dead, in Iowa.
  3. Assuming that Woods is still alive today, it's probably a good idea to stop jerking off to her since she's likely a resident of a rinky dink nursing home somewhere in the Midwest, where diaper changes don't happen as often as you'd hope. And that's a HUGE turnoff.
  4. The original Debbie Does Dallas has been the inspiration for a slew of movie sequels and remakes. All of which probably go good when paired with Vaseline and a family pet that can keep a secret.
  5. Debbie Does Dallas: The Musical. We shit you not.

The Plot

The story revolves around a high school cheerleader named Debbie Benton, played by Bambi Woods, who, in an effort to make the Dallas cheerleading squad, must generate enough money to fund her trip to Texas for the annual tryouts.

Debbie couldn't look more spaced out if she tried.

Without help from mommy and daddy dearest, Debbie and the rest of her high school friends resort to singing the tune to "Mary Had a Little Lamb" with several sets of sweaty balls lodged firmly in their mouths, in return for some quick cash.

They only have two weeks to come up with the travel funds, so the girls convene at a Young Republican's convention and decide to fuck anything with a pulse and a wallet to help poor Debbie realize her dream.

The film prides itself on wide angle crotch shots and sports-related humping that's on par with the Special Olympics. Why compare the sex in this film to drooling retards hurling javelins? Well, the film's sex scenes lack real originality, they're short and the rest of the movie seems to have been taken hostage by a director who doesn't know what the fuck he's doing, but who demands to be paid in cocaine.

Gimme the coke kid, and I'll give you a fuckin' Oscar-winning picture!

Get With The Times, Man

By the time Debbie Does Dallas was released by VCX Ltd. in 1978, America had just experienced two decades of drug experimentation and was in a state where the free love of the sixties was being swept under the rug and out of the public view.

Government intervention was on the rise and quickly gaining speed, like a crack head chasing after an ice cream truck. The indecency laws and strict federal regulations that would soon surface in the wake of the Reagan era gave way to prominent right-wing political influence. Naturally, the conservative right reinforced the many social taboos that had already gripped the nation by the balls during the late 1970's.

What? Republicans are ass-biters.

Those drug-loving flower children were metaphorically gassed to death as the seventies progressed, and the country was as uptight and sexually frustrated as ever.

Get a job already, and enough with the fuckin' Patchouli!

The repressed sexual urges many teens experienced ultimately laid the foundation for what would become the adult film industry. Without the constant bullying and overbearing repression wrought on by asshole politicians in the past, we probably wouldn't have seen the porn business in American grow to its current mastodonic size. And this would've made our penises very sad.

The Spin-offs

As one of the top five highest grossing pornographic films in history, Debbie Does Dallas has been the source for numerous sequels, remakes, comic books and even an off-Broadway musical launched in 2002, which was hosted in cities like New York and San Francisco.

It's like watching the real porno, but without the sex.

Jessica Douglas, one of the producers of the San Francisco production, told us that Debbie Does Dallas was very popular because it was one of the first pornographic films with a plot. In describing the musical, Douglas said, "The onstage production does not contain sex or full nudity. The sex scenes are converted to numbers that are suggestive only in metaphor. The whole production was done in a spirit of comedy and not sensuality."

There have been four movie sequels and twenty spin-offs, which include Debbie Does Wall Street in 1997 and Debbie Does New Orleans in 2000.

Collect the whole set and win a life-time of crying and loneliness.

Did we mention the television spin-offs? No? Well fuck it, there were a few of those, too. Take our word for it. Awful. Just awful.

See. This ugly woman totally gets the "awfulness."

Wait. There Was A Fuckin' Music Video?

Damn skippy there was. A shitty pop band comprised of three Dutch assholes who call themselves 'a balladeer' actually released a second record and christened it, Where are you Bambi Woods? You may be asking yourselves, well, what was the biggest hit from that record? The answer should come as no surprise. That toe-tapping ditty was none other than, "Where are you Bambi Woods?" the album's title track. We managed to find it, check it out.