Air Jordan Sneakers

A triumph of advertising over reason, feet, and scientific possibility.

Michael Jordan

Michael Jordan is none of the best basketball players of all time because he's a tremendous athlete, six foot six, and appears to equip a standard basketball as an Orb of Flight. Thinking you'll perform better because you wear his shoes is like thinking you can develop spacetime theory by using Einstein-brand chalk.

Michael Jordan is a permanently-extended black Inspector Gadget with the flight profile of a hoop-seeking ICBM. Improving your abilities by wearing his shoes makes less sense than hunting him and eating his heart to inherit its strength, because at least that way you'd get some exercise and protein.

It's gotta be the shoes

Realizing that even Michael Jordan would eventually run out if they cut him up and sold the bits, Nike instead claimed that the shoes were part of him and sold those instead. That was their actual advertising strategy. And it worked.

As "Mars Blackmon" Spike watched Michael Jordan do things to a hoop normally reserved for Zeus wreaking vengeance on enemy cities, then slapped anyone with an understanding of human anatomy in the face by insisting "It's gotta be the shoes!"

This makes Air Jordans the only sneaker to cause a temporal paradox:

  1. Air Jordans could not exist without Michael Jordan being a famous basketballer, but Michael Jordan couldn't be a famous basketballer without a pair of Air Jordans
  2. That's several dozen syllables more than the average Air Jordan customer can handle.
  3. So is "You paid how many hundred dollars for shoes when you can't even use stairs without wheezing?"

The fact is Michael Jordan could beat any one of us at any physical activity (including sleeping with our partner) while wearing two hungry crocodiles on the end of his legs. And Nike customers would still pay him three hundred dollars for the privilege.

Nike Force Assemble!

Because there aren't actually that many different ways to make a sneaker, Nike designers have claimed "inspiration" from more random objects than the Transformers. Shoes have been based on motorbikes, spaceships, F-15 Phantom fighter jets, snakes and and even - in one particularly ridiculous example - someone who's really good at basketball but has to be paid to wear these shoes while doing so.

You loved it the first time!

In 2005 Jordan Brand started releasing "Dub Zeros", remixes of their own previous shoes, perhaps realizing after over thirty pairs of Air Jordans that "actually designing new things" was wasted effort. Emboldened by how they weren't burned down, but in fact given millions of dollars for this laziness, in 2006 they started selling "Defining Moments" aka "We are just straight up re-selling you the same shoes as before adjusted for inflation!"