Israel

Israel is a small country in the Middle East.

Above: Israel.

Just The Facts

  1. The modern state of Israel was founded in the 20th century so that the Jews could finally avoid persecution and turmoil.
  2. This worked really well.
  3. Its main exports are technology, beautiful women and an odorless substance that makes people really, really angry.

Israel Basics

Israel is either a holy place incapable of doing evil or the most evil regime in the history of the universe, 10,000 times worse than Nazi Germany, depending on who you speak to.

Israel is the only majority Jewish country in the entire world. It is also very small. There are actually less Jewish people living in Israel than there are in New York. It is lucky that the Islamic terrorists haven't figured this out or they might try to attack New York as well.

The History of Israel

It is hard to get a good picture of Israel's history. Trying to look it up online will either bring you to a personal and most-likely biased web page, or to the site of Wikipedia's famous Pub Brawl of 2007.

But from what we have been able to gather, Israel was first founded 65 million years ago in the Cretaceous era, when Abraham and his followers captured the land from Canaanites and their hoards of dinosaurs. However, the Israelites' fighting techniques were not as effective against mammals and they were conquered several times after that, most notably by the Romans in 64 BCE.

The Romans slaughtered the remaining dinosaurs and set to work crucifying people. Early in the first millenia CE, they renamed the area 'Palaestina', a Latin word that roughly translates to 'Once renamed, this province should never give anyone any trouble ever again'. Due to local persecution, most Jews in the area eventually fled and relocated all over the world.

In the nineteenth century, after one too many meals of scones and spotted dick, the British decided to conquer the Middle East and split it up into randomly-determined countries. This decision, which also led to the formation of Iraq, has not had a single negative consequence since.

Jerusalem, circa 1873.

Being fans of Romans, they re-renamed the ex-Israelite area 'Palestine.'

Many Jewish people began moving back into the region, leading first to minor skirmishes between the local Arab population and then eventually to a full-on civil war. The British decided they were mighty sick of all this and decided to go home for a strong cup of tea, and the nation of Israel was formed in 1948.

Since this formation, Israel has been at war approximately 60,000 times.

Israeli Culture

Since modern Israel's formation was mostly due to the mass slaughter of Jews in the Holocaust, Israelis wanted a way to get revenge on the Germans. They decided to do this by depriving the Germans of the one thing they had left after their defeat in the war, which was the title for World's Rudest Nationality.

This cultural difference is important to understand when visiting Israel. For example, in some places it is customary to shake someone's hand upon meeting them, in others to bow. In Israel it is customary to swear at your new acquaintance and threaten their mother.

Luckily, Israel has many things to offer to make up for this particular personality trait.

History

In the history of the world, 90% of the stuff that has ever happened has happened in Israel. In the past, whenever anyone wanted to do anything important, they made sure they went to Israel first.

This probably actually happened in Israel.

As a result, Israel is full of important historical stuff from the Canaanites, Greeks, Persians, Romans, Crusaders, Turks, Babylonians and a whole bunch of other people. Oh yeah, and Jesus lived there.

Because of this, if you start digging with your hands in a random street in Israel, chances are you will find an important Biblical object of some kind. Approximately 56% of all such objects are in fact cursed, and will immediately swallow the soul of anyone who touches them. When you are staying in Israel, be sure to contact the Cursed Object Disposal Unit before you dig any swimming pools.

Attractive Locals

As a result of suffering approximately 6.8 declarations of war per second, Israel has the tendency to take its attractive young population, dress them up in uniforms, and have them stand around everywhere holding guns.

Beaches

Israel also has a lot of beaches.

Israel's beaches border both the Mediterranean Sea and the Red Sea.

The Dead Sea is also in Israel, but it's really more of a lake.

It is known as the 'Dead Sea' because it was once believed that nothing living could survive there. However, many microorganisms do.