Dead Rising Xbox 360

Dead Rising: a shining example of the wonders of western civilization turned into a living nightmare by stupid, brainless mistakes - and it's about a mall full of zombies.

Header image by Señor Taco.

Just The Facts

  1. Dead Rising cunningly parodied its own parody of consumerism by being impossible to read on non-HDTVs.

The Best Game Ever

Dead Rising was one of the best games ever. Anyone who says differently is stupid or trying to be edgy by not liking great things, aka double-stupid. It was a level of wish-fulfillment on par with finding a magic lamp containing three genies, all them horny Alyson Hannigans. The problem is that it was still brilliant despite flaws which would have crippled Jesus. It was like finding out that Milla Jovovich and/or Brad Pitt are nymphomaniac for you, but only when they've got head colds and are sneezing streamers of green mucus across the room - you'd be stupid not to play along but you really wish it wasn't like that.

Otis

Dead Rising taught players that while hordes of brain-eating zombies are dangerous, they're actually pretty fun. Just like real life, your most hated enemy is the passive-aggressive asshole you're still not allowed to kill.

If this was Dead Rising McClane would have been killed. And paralyzed. AND HATING OTIS.

If this was Dead Rising, McClane'd be dead by now. And paralyzed. AND HATE OTIS SO MUCH.

You know what's "rude," Otis?

  1. Switching my arms off when I'm surrounded by fifty-two thousand zombies
  2. What I'm going to do to you with a potted plant (and a phallic lipstick weapon) when I get back to the security room.

Survivors

Perhaps writing for Cracked too long has made us simple, but if we made a game where one of the primary goals was rescuing survivors we'd give those survivors better path finding. As in "better path finding than Geordi LaForge searching for his hairband." They also prove that Capcom headquarters are more inclusive than Sesame Street, because the cool kids who can make a game about mallocide hang around with the idiot who says "You know what people would love in this liberating fantasy? Stopping every five steps to wait for a screaming old woman!"

The Save System

The Dead Rising Save System (pronounced to rhyme with "Christopher Reeve's Equestrian Hobby") - scattered save points combined with a suicidal survivors, a ridiculously distant security room and time-sensitive missions to turn the ultimate in real-world escapism (murdering every single person in a mall) into an annoying and repetitive part-time job (like actually working in a mall).

The designers wanted to create the desperation of dashing for safety in a zombie-filled apocalypse, but only unleashed the rage of wanting to smash designer-skulls in a fridge door until you could store them in a jar. If you want to reward players not dying, make it an achievement! You made enough of the stupid things, and we guarantee that "completing the game without dying" is far more impressive than "try on 200 costumes." Protip: we're all about equality, but most of the people playing the "Murder fifty-thousand people in a mall" game aren't here for the "mall."

First Person Shooting

We understand that the XBox controller is to accurate shooting what a unicycle is to open-heart surgery, but there's no excuse for the first person view here. We've been making gun games since Doom, Capcom, and even it had a better aiming system. The gunfights are Sisyphean tortures where instead of pushing a giant boulder up a hill - which would still move faster than these crosshairs - you're getting shot in the face.

A Dead Rising Gunfight

  1. Get shot, knocked out of first person mode and into annoying stagger animation
  2. Go back into aiming mode (pointing in a random direction because of the stupid stagger) and start hauling your aim back towards the enemy. This is about as fast as aiming a tank barrel by hand.
  3. Just before getting there return to 1.

Capcom have digitally captured the exact speed of howling frustration, maddening the player until charging a machine-gun wielding opponent is more sensible - and less painful - than trying to shoot them.

Dead Rising 2

If they can fix even one of the above problems the Second Coming will have to be delayed until everyone's finished playing this, and even then only if the game doesn't render it unnecessary.

MOTORBIKE DUCT TAPE CHAINSAW! That's not even a concept, that's a random smashing-together of awesome, and in Dead Rising 2 you can do it.