Cat's Behavior
Cats: Winning the evolutionary race by convincing the people in the lead to carry them. Cats are MUCH smarter than people think.
Cats' Control of Humanity
Cat behaviour is designed to exert complete control over humanity by becoming a parody of it: they only want to eat, sleep, and have sex, and get it all by being cute, wearing extremely expensive* clothes and pretending to be nice. It's like they have access to some record of all the worst and shallowest aspects of our species.
*You try buying a cat-fur coat.
Perceived Cat Behaviour
Cats have perfected a technique the envy of married men worldwide - convincing the other person to provide both sides of the interaction all by themselves. Millions of people attribute all manner of emotions, preferences and personality quirks to what are basically small piles of digestive tract in a mammal-hair bag.
Online
Both cats and the internet reduce human intelligence. Together they shut down the entire brain.
This reminds me of just how much a jerk my cat really is. I love him, but he's just a dumb jerk who will bite his own tail. It also reminds me of the fact that my girlfriend has this funny quirk of doing little dialogues outloud to herself (and me since I'm there, obviously), placing in what I'm thinking/should be thinking, it's cute, and from 'cat perspective': perfect! Though my food was late more than twice...
ReplyI've got a cat on the arm of my chair - I swivelled the laptop round to show him the cover of "scientific americat" and he started purring... I showed him the cover of "Catmopolitan" and he started washing himself!!
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesWhoa! Dude! Your cat can read!
Anyone else notice the same cat is in both of them?
cat lover.
@Daviticus
I noticed that!Maybe its a supermodel in the cat world.
Actually, my cat really is a psychotic asshole. I am NOT just ascribing preferences and such to something that once tried to disembowel me.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesyes. yes you are.
I don't think its just your cat. Mine once slit someone's wrists. He's fine now but he has scars.
Your cat or the person's wrists?
any articles about cats get thumbs up from me, since I am a crazy cat lady in training (because men are so not worth it.)
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesAt least you've come to terms with it.
Let's be cat ladies together. :D
Hooray for crazy cat ladies in training!
There really needs to be a guide book for cat ladies.
Be crazy. Have cats. $20 please.
But I am a crazy cat man.
Just find a cat man. I never had a cat but am glad my boyfriend had one when I met him (another reason why I'm with him). I mean, come on, what's cuter than a cat you just met cuddling up to you on the couch when you're feeling sick?
*cups hands around mouth*
ReplySeeeexxxxxissssmmm.
Sexism goes both ways... Like a bisexual. Sorry, I couldn't resist that joke...
Bisexissssm!!1
its funny cuz i see that kind of attitude in my cat but still cater to it. Why are we so stupid. I try to be nicer to stressed-out/wild animals then house pets; they deserve it more.
Replylol
ReplyCatmopolitian? I hate that so much even though it made me cry from laughter.
ReplyThe lack of a byline should be a clue.
ReplyThe number of cat articles on this site is starting to worry me...
ReplyDon't knock it 'till you try it!
It's actually a really good sign that more people are realizing that cats, when treated properly, are great companions that love to play and will do a lot of things to please you. Our cat is the cutest, not when she knows she's getting fed or getting a treat, but when she wants us to play with her. There are so many cats out there (way more than dogs) that need to be adopted. Hopefully this is a sign that more people are adopting them.
i actually liked the magazines a lot
ReplyMost pointless article or most pointless article?
ReplyWow, I definitely fall into that LOL intersection.
ReplyMe too lol
My cat makes me cry at night :(
Replymother f*****g zinger !! yaaaHHHHHHHHHHHHH ~ ~ ! ! ! ! !
Superstring got me
Replyf*****g BEATRICE. YOU JUST HAVE TO BOTHER ME EVERYWHERE.
good article, but a little too short
ReplyThe pictures were hilarious, but the article itself wasn't especially great. What's with all the hate for cats around here, though? It's really bizarre.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesHonestly, you people act as though cats are taking advantage of people in some special, unique way that only they can. Really, though, cats are just the same as dogs or people in this respect. Cats show affection towards those who act as caretakers for them, and so do dogs and virtually every other social mammal in the world. When a woman marries a man and has a baby, the man has to provide stability for the family, and will receive love and respect in return. (I'm sure someone will be angry at me for being "traditional," but it's just an example, so bear with me.)
Is this love somehow cheapened by the fact that the man is helping the woman? Not at all, and the same goes for dogs and cats. If a cat wants to be taken care of, that doesn't in some way make it manipulative. When my cat comes up every morning into my room and crawls under the covers to cuddle up against me, its love isn't somehow made illegitimate by the fact that it expects to be fed at the end of the day. This attitude everyone's taking seems really weird to me.
Seems like this goes for babies quite a bit, too.
EDIT: Aw man, that was a long post. Now I look like a dumbass.
Sorry cats are still assholes.
I love cats and I still know that mine is a manipulative bitch. >_>
Uh, yeah, the point you missed was that 95% of cats DON'T love you. They don't give a s**t whatsoever. Watch; give them away, and then go see them again in 6 months, and it won't act any different. It won't be mad that you left it or happy to see you after so long. When you come home, most cats look to see who it is, then ignore you. Compare this to dogs who will mope around when you are gone, get upset when you leave, completely lose their minds when you come home from like a vacation, etc. Seriously, cats, with some exceptions, don't actually care about you.
@BWM: dude you are f*****g insane if you think all, or even most cats don't give a shit. maybe you're just a s****y cat-owner? My cats have always been attached to me, and the one i've got now is a needy, super-attached little bastard. he meows all night when i'm gone then follows me around for a while after i get home
I thnk it's funny you wrote a 5 point essay about how we should serously stop and think, maybe cats are ok, whooptedoo. I gotta cat, I love it, but who are you writing this article for?
Yeah man, this is great. I just got a cat and this article is funny.
ReplyFunny, nice article.
ReplyWow, jokes about women wanting to get married/enslave men/have babies. What a fresh approach! How do you guys come up with such original material?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYou may have missed the rest of the article.
1 joke that encompasses all three, sensitive much?
We live around women so it comes second nature.