Arcade Video Games
Arcade gaming, a glorious era when it WAS possible to thump other players for being assholes.
The History of Arcade Games
Arcades started as meccas of gaming, because home consoles either
- Sucked, or
- Were the Neo Geo and cost approximately three kidneys per game.
They devolved into hangouts for indescribably lame gangs of 80s bullies, before the nineties reinvented them as exercise centers. They now exist mainly as museums or signposts that you're in Japan.
High Scores
Because they were limited to the people in one area high scores actually meant something - it wasn't possible for a Korean to fly in and set a score that looked like a serial number. Or rather it was, but they spent the air fare on tokens to play in their own local arcades (while their English-speaking obsessive compulsive equivalents were busy at home running through Manic Miner for the fortieth time in a row).
People spent days trying to get from the left screen to the right, making Xbox Achievements look like Nobel Prizes.
Also, the "SET YOUR INITIALS" system only gave you three letters, making it impossible for idiots to set their name as "HitlerCock."
It was a simpler time.
Shared Equipment
The problem with arcade games is that everyone had to share the same cabinet rely on other people to not be assholes, which worked about as well as it now does on Live. The best games had joysticks that were as responsive as a corpse, more cigarette burns than a magnesium ashtray, and were usually covered in a sticky residue you dearly hoped was soda (or at least that it was only from one person.)
Some of the Best
Space Invaders (1978)
The most iconic video game of all time, earning over half a billion dollars from the deep human belief that anyone from anywhere else looks funny, is bad at strategy, and should be shot.
OutRun (1986)
The ultimate driving game with a cabinet where the player could move, choose what music to listen to, and get a girl - basically all the things they could have if they weren't stuck in an arcade.
Wonder Boy in Monster Land (1987)
The ultimate exemplar of the arcade's promise to kill people who don't know what they're doing while experts could stay all afternoon for a single credit. These players have an audience of all the people who just died, in the worst form of hero worship since someone in Waco said, "Hey, guys, I've got a great idea!"
Street Fighter II (1991)
The sequel to the hideously flawed Street Fighter, an improvement on par with Angelina Jolie being a sequel to a Womble. The most successful fighting game of all time - so much so Capcom decided to make it again annually for over a decade.
Metal Slug (1996)
Gloriously detailed Contra-style shooter which almost, almost made the Neo-Geo home arcade system worth the ridiculous cost. Later released on consoles real people could afford.
House of the Dead (1996)
The single best light-gun game in arcade history, so good they had to make the worst movie ever just to balance things out and make Time Crisis feel better.
Some of the Worst (That Were Popular Anyway)
Dragon's Lair (1983)
An entire game made of quicktime events, popular anyway because of its "great" graphics - which weren't actually game graphics but an extremely crappy cartoon cut-scene which randomly killed you for pressing the wrong button.
Splatterhouse (1988)
Gore Instead of Gameplay, Part I: Splatterhouse was a side-scrolling beat-em-up which made Double Dragon look deep. Then again, by Splatterhouse standards Hungry Hungry Hippos had sophisticated controls.
Mortal Kombat (1992)
Gore Instead of Gameplay, Part II: Realizing they couldn't compete with Capcom Midway decided to draw some blood on the screen instead. In a permanent insult to all of video gaming, this worked. The revolutionary digitized sprites meant each character (many of whom were other characters with differently colored pajamas) had about three moves each and all the subtle fighting feel of two men throwing chairs at each other.
I played games on the Commodore 64 for a long time (about 10 years) until I pulled the keyboard out too far and blew the video chip. Granted, it will still play some games like Tuk Goes to Town, but not really.
ReplyScrew Space Invaders. If you want to play a REAL space shooter, go play some Galaga, suckas!
ReplyI know of exactly two good arcades still in operation. One is in a movie theater here in my hometown, the other's in Huntington Beach. The theater one has up-to-date arcade games, but you have to actually pay for a movie to use it. The one in H.B. charges you for admission, but it's really low. All the machines run on nickels, and for five bucks you get enough nickels for last for an hour or two. Unfortunately it's a bit dumpy, has mostly older machines, and isn't likely to remain open. Also, it has no pinball or Time Crisis, two of the machines I say no good arcade should be without.
ReplyWow, just wow. It is an interesting article, but what really blows my mind is the war of comments over MK vs. SF. Now, I do want to admit that I am more for MK than SF, but trying to say which one is better is like saying whether I want salt or pepper on my eggs, of course, I want both. Each has their strengths and weaknesses, and both have a fan base that is willing to shred the other for fighting game supremacy. As far as graphics, SF utilized the basic design that many other fighting games (Final Fight, Fatal Fury, Double Dragon) used; MK used a unique method that very few were able to duplicate. As far as mechanics, the fighting systems are about the same, though there are some differences, the early games for each franchise had similar ways to perform special moves and perform combos. Now, one of my favorites, story: Essentially, they are the same, good guys versus bad guys with the world at stake, but the difference lies with the characters. Ok, MK did color swap the ninjas to make more characters, but they were each given unique powers and backstories. My one beef with SF is Ryu, the most uncreative character in SF. He's like so many other Japanese heroes in animes and literature, the only change I saw in Ryu is he became a little Emo. Ok, while SF has Ryu, his MK counterpart would be Liu Kang, but that's where the comparison stops, unlike Ryu, who seems to never age or grow throughout SF, Kang is later killed in the series, now that takes balls to kill the archetype hero in MK.
ReplyThe characters in SF seem to keep the same agenda in each game:
Chung Li, Guile, and almost half the roster of each game are after M. Bison for some reason or another.
Ryu tries to grow as a fighter by wandering and fighting strong opponents(Maybe he should should be shouting Kamehameha instead of Hadoken).
Ken just follows Ryu.
M. Bison must find the strongest fighter and utilize his/her power for his own use.
MK has in some ways done things to its characters to move the story along:
Liu Kang and Johnny Cage die.
Raiden, the second Sub-Zero, and others rehabilitate from bad to good.
Scorpion kills the first Sub-Zero and later protects the second.
Alright, this is actually tipping the scales towards Mortal Kombat, but I might as well bring up one last thing: The introduction in which each series was presented. SF fans may say that Street Fighter is the greatest fighting game series ever, but I have two questions for them. 1) How many of you SF fans can make such a claim when I am pretty sure that very few of you have actually played the original Street Fighter? 2) If Street Fighter were such a great fighting game series, why did it take so long to go from part 2 to part 3? A better way of asking this question would be if Street Fighter was a great series why did Capcom have to milk so much from SF2 with all those expansions like Alpla and EX? Couldn't they just made Alpha part 3? I still like Street Fighter, but I'm a Mortal Kombat fan. It doesn't matter which game is better as long as you have fun playing either one.
Still, it's more fun playing with fighters who can kill off their opponents after a match. I respect the writer's opinion but arcade/video games with gore make gameplay better.
are you expecting someone to read that f*****g novel?
I actually read about a paragraph before becoming bored. But that commented first made me laugh more than the entire article. The actual article.
You missed out one important stage. Maybe it wasn't big in America, but it was HUGE here in Britain. The stage when everywhere you went there was a Time Crisis game in the corner. Generally they were in places where you'd be hanging around waiting for stuff, the idea being that if you're bored, you're more likely to want to pump money into a machine in return for the chance to blow the heads off terrorists than sit around in silence. Then, the GBA came out and the company shot themselves in the foot by releasing a version for it, thereby rendering the millions of arcade machines it tendered obsolete.
ReplyI miss arcades. Skipping school and spending the entire day in the arcade used to be great.
ReplyI love arcades. I could spend my entire life in one. Yeah they're kinda dead but so what? No children hang out there anymore so that's when us 20-something-year-olds will goof off.
ReplyI wish we had an arcade around here like the Gameworks one in Las Vegas. Too much fun.
Do Americans know what Wombles actually are? I know Cracked gets flak for not acknowledging its foreign audience sometimes, and I appreciate the reference to the Wombles, but I'm shocked they managed to cross the Atlantic.
ReplyThis article wasn't written by Cracked. It was written by a user, like us.
Thank goodness I live in Japan and don't have to reminisce about the arcades.
ReplyI hear ya, brother. Think I'll go play some fourteen year old in Street Fighter 3.
The number of people still defending MK after nearly 20 goddamn years is rather depressing. Everybody in that game had the same punches and kicks, a projectile, and pretty much one unique move. I know rose-tinted glasses are involved, but after 2 decades it's about time to realize visuals can't save that mess of endless uppercuts.
Reply Hide All See All 8 RepliesTru dat. Amen.
Wow! Are you a hammer? Because you just totally nailed it!
LOL
See what I did there?
Seriously though, the series did actually get decent in terms of game play around the fourth sequel. "Deadly Alliance", I think it was called. It's not on par with Tekken or Soul Caliber, but it was a huge leap in game play depth.
Mortal Kombat was amazing shut your f*****g mouth. You wouldn't have any of the fighting games we have now if it wasn't for MK so show some respect
You mean Street Fighter?
And anyways, the problem with MK is, soon, it's going to be viewed with nostalgia, which will just increase theharlster's rabidness.
Pretending MK invented fighting games is still easier than realizing all these theharlsters have to be over their mid-20s by now. That's so far beyond the man-child event horizon, even us gamers can't deal with that shit. The next generation better not be full of guys pushing 30 screaming that xXx is awesome while trashing James Bond for not being as 'hardcore.'
Wow listen to you trolls. Yeah you're right I'm not 19 years old like you fuckers probably are. And @ FireBlaze, It's already viewed with nostalgia you douchebag. Also what some people would call a classic. I suppose a 1969 Chevy Camaro sucks to you because it's not a brand new 2010 Camaro right? Idiots. Oh and @ CannedFury, That whole statement is stupid. If your implying I'm old then I wouldn't be a big fan of xXx would I? Which that movie kinda sucks by the way. Weak arguments from weak minded people. It's your guy's bedtime now go have mommy make you a bottle.
Mortal Kombat is awesome, I don't care what all the Japanophile nerds say, it is downright fun. It doesn't take itself too seriously, something Street Fighter is guilty as sin of, and has produced memorable characters as well. Those who dump on its concept and fighting system are missing the point, and if you can't enjoy a video game becuase of s**t like that, then I think you're setting your standards a little too high. War MK!
I still remember arcades. Great way to waste the time that one spent playing truant. Though the sign outside that EXPLICITLY stated "No one in school uniforms allowed inside." was a bit tedious.
Reply(I just ended up borrowing oversized tees and jeans from the rest of the guys who lived closer to our primary school than I did and damn, we spent so much time just killing each other on Street Fighter(when we weren't watching porn at someone's house, that is! Good times. Good times.)
Best arcade that I ever played was Gauntlet Legends. So awesome. I need to find a place that still has it. Actually, I need to find a place that still has ANY arcade games.
ReplyI have a copy of that for the N64...
Seconded on the N64 copy! One of the most exciting console purchases of my lifetime. FOOD IS GOOD.
no you f*****g didn't!
ReplyBeautiful Topic page. I LOLed all the way through, and kept quoting choice punchlines at my fiancée *while she was reading a Seanbaby article also about video games*, and *she laughed at each one instead of yelling at me to stop f*****g interrupting*. Instant classic.
ReplyI hadn't realized it until she told me just now, after she read my comment, but she'd *already read this Topic page yesterday* when it first hit the front page, and it was still *that* funny the second time around.
wow your hand can read!
Cool article. Arcades stay alive these days by having semi-cool things like Air Hockey and that one game where you shoot a plastic can into your opponent's goal with a light gun. Also, you get tokens to exchange for prizes. YOU GET TO PLAY THE GAMES AND WIN REAL STUFF. Cool topic. ;)
ReplyAaargghh! Chuckie Egg! I haven't played that in years, but I played it all the time as a kid on the school BBC Micro and my Acorn Electron!
ReplyI just need to say that this Cracked Topic has warmed my heart more than any other I've ever read. I was there before the Street fighter II revolution and stuck around until they finally switched out Jumbo Safari for a second Pump shrine and, in doing so, took away the only reason I still bothered with the arcade (it certainly wasn't all the choice trim hanging around, that's for sure.)
ReplyAnyway, thanks for an article that was so accurate I had the character select screen music for MVsC stuck in my head while reading it.
Those were good times.
Sad, but good.
finally! a group of people with some kind of education that recognizes Mortal Kombat as a terrible game. thank you sir
Replyf**k you. Losers like you who spend all your time dissecting even the most absurd aspects of the game like to hate on MK, while I just enjoy the game. Seriously. What about it makes it terrible. Because it's bloody? Well, when you beat the s**t out of someone, their likely to bleed. I like the characters and the fighting system from MK more, and the fatalities too. Street fighter can be a little cartoonish sometimes for me, and to those who mention palette swaps, Street fighter isn't completely innocent, Ryu, Ken, Akuma, Dan, and Sean are all pretty much the same character with only minor differences.
Obviously, the screenshot used is from Mortal Kombat II.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesActually, I think that's from the arcade version of the first Mortal Combat.
...But yeah, who cares? The game did sucked. To bad we were all suckers. God knows I was. What was the console-code again... A-B-A-B-A-C-C? Yep, apparently blood and splits to the balls were enough to rock my 11 year-old world.
Actually it's not from the first MK, like AaronKyleNelson said it's MK2.
Street Fighter fans are such elitists. While you're talking up the finer technical aspects in what I can only assume is a snobby British accent with your nose turned up, I'll have fun ripping someone's head off.
i have two arcade Consoles in my room.... P.O.W. (which needs a new screen, buttons etc) and Street Fighter 2 (which needs a new screen buttons Etc)
Reply