Darth Maul

After a tiger rapes Satan, the last thing the delivering doctor sees is that bastard Darth Maul.)){u='http'+':/

It's got to be better than The Secret

Just The Facts

  1. Darth Maul was a Sith Lord and motivational speaker
  2. His book was pulled from shelves after inspiring 11 readers to kill all who opposed them.
  3. There's a little Darth Maul in all of us...usually against our will.

Inspirational series

Darth Maul is best known as the Sith Lord who killed Qui-Gon Jin and then got cocky, letting Obi-Wan overcome certain death to slay him. But as the old adage says, "When life chops you in half and dumps you in a nuclear reactor, come back as Cyborg Satan."

Cyborg Goat Legs!
That actually happened?

Maul's intense struggle through physical therapy and even more intense hatred of all that is good led him to the motivational speaker circuit. His lecture series went beyond simply attaining happiness and completing objectives, beyond even good or evil. Bathroom breaks were forbidden at his talks, because the audience not only might miss something, they were wasting still-useful resources.

Some of his lessons are encapsulated here:

Raw meat is pretty good, if you've ever had it.

Darth Maul does backflips

Nihilism is a selective muse

Lightsabers, yeah, we all want one

I mean, PRESUMABLY it has a crown of horns.

Influence

The most successful people of our time embrace their Maulish bastardry, learning from his successes and mistakes.

Leno, you bastard!

Lady Gagarish

Pat Robertson is a bullying son of a bitch

W.B. Yeats & Aleister Crowley

Cyrus the Virus

One of these people deserves it

Tina Fey's awesomely cruel when called to be

Spider Jerusalem

It's harder to find a picture of Michael Cera in a hoodie than you'd think

We miss you, George Carlin

Dr. Phil is unlicensed and he diagnoses people without even knowing them.

Tiger would rather have the victory than the trophy

What's my name? FUCK YOU, that's my name.

What you call genius, I call lacking the moral walls not to do the obvious.

Brendan McGinley is a not-very-motivational writer and comedian in New York City.