Bad Drivers

Congratulations, douchebag! You are the Asshole Driver, living proof that steroid use is definitely not advised if you plan to operate a motor vehicle anytime, ever. While other people may use their cars to get to work, go to the mall, act like a sane human being, etc., that's just simply not your philosophy. Once those keys are in the ignition, even if you're driving five minutes into town to pick up that Motley Crue CD that you loaned to your cousin, it's time to rock like The Road Warrior.

_{Sometimes you dress like this, too...}

To you, speed limit signs aren't there for the safety of yourself and others. They're personal challenges, asking you whether or not you plan to bow down to The Man. But, like the great Dee Snider said, "We're not gonna take it anymore." No one's gonna tell you that 65 MPH is fast enough. You're a rebel, and the best way to express your revolutionary spirit is by making a right turn at a red light when the sign clearly said "No Turn on Red." You're damn right a babe saw that.

And let's not forget, every single other driver on the road is your enemy as soon as you pull out of your driveway. It's a war out there, and your arsenal consists of Bruce Willis quotes (Yippi-Ki-Yay indeed, motherfucker) and obnoxiously loud music. Everyone better know when you roll into town.

Good job passing your road test! Now it's time for you, The Inexperienced Driver, to actually learn how to operate that thing. Your travelling style can best be compared to the mix of confusion and delight expressed by a six-year old trying to sound out all the interesting words he sees around him.

_{"What do I do here again? Yield?"}

You've got all the basic functions down. Can you start the car? Check. Signal a turn? Check. Parallel park? Theoretically. However, you lack the confidence that is necessary to let you have any clue about what is going on around you. You are the Eli Manning of the road.

_{"Look, Eli, the 'C' spells the word "cat"}

Unfortunately for those who share the road with you, your perpetual state of indecision causes much confusion. Why are you shifting lanes randomly? Why do you slam on the brakes every time you see a cop car? Why do you stop at a crosswalk even when THERE IS NO ONE AT THE CROSSWALK? It's a mystery.

Dude, you are an Old Person. You should've handed in the keys during the Nixon administration, but better late than never, right? Fact of the matter is, at best, you've begun to approach life at a more leisurely pace. That means you take time to smell the roses, can appreciate a good sunset, and don't understand that sometimes it's ok to drive faster than 20 MPH.

_{Really, you'll go faster with this thing.}

However, more often than not, you've simply forgotten everything there ever was to know about driving. You don't exactly know why there are different lanes on a highway. You've forgotten the fact that it's not ok to back into other cars. And do you know what the worst part is?

Everyone just feels bad for you. We're willing to yell at idiots between the ages of 16 and 65. But after that, we're plagued by guilt when we call you out for actually parking on a parkway.

You know that, don't you? You're just doing whatever the hell you want, cuz, screw it, you can get away with it now.