"Shrooms" are hallucinogenic mushrooms: They are a non-addictive way to experience alternate planes of existence, and exist on all continents, save the Antarctic.

If this guy walks into the rainbow mansion when your on shrooms, it's probably only a matter of time until he rapes you.

Don't act so shocked.

Just The Facts

  1. A Shroom trip generally lasts for 6 hours and will not be easy on your soul.
  2. The active chemicals are Psylocibin and Psilocin.
  3. Some shrooms grow so fast they can be fully formed in under a day.

Surviving shrooms.

While shrooms are non addictive, they're probably more likely to leave scarring, whether that be mental scarring from sitting on a beach surrounded by dogs giving you "bestiality works both ways" eyes or physical scarring from thinking that the sea level has inexplicably (and at the time logically) risen to just below the height of first floor level.

Shrooms should not be taken by anyone who is even slightly pessamistic in their outlook, I knew a guy once who thought he was surrounded by cops, and being the kind of guy he was ended up attacking a fence, it wasn't until the effect of the shrooms wore off that he could be convinced he wasn't on the run for murder. An effort should also be made keeping yourself fractionaly aware of reality, the guy who kicked a piece of chalk thinking it was polystyrene would tell you this also. Lets call him Janet, because the man does not chase those who taunt him anymore. Shrooms tend to amplify your emotional state, and it's likely things you worry about only slightly when sober become the focus of your attention, you could spend the whole time feeling guilty about something as stupid adopting children to work in your razorwire factory.

"I'm not working another minute without some kind of dental plan!"

With all that can go wrong with eating shrooms it should be known also that they can offer up profound insight into oneself and the world around them. From a euphoric state you could see trees growing and horny green women girating against trees like poledancers, inviting you to bone a hole in a tree, although it must be stressed not all hallucinations are tree based. The world can become more colourful, sounds can become intensely interesting and sometimes time itself can seem to slow down or stop completely as you ponder the spectacular importance of Lady Gaga's contribution to the transvestite community.

The recommended dose of mushrooms varies with their strength, but it's considered wise; albeit pussyish to have a few and then up the dose late on if you aren't staring at a lightbulb in fascination after one hour. Shrooms often grow in shit, theirs no getting around it, they are the fruiting bodies of fungi, which may well be hundreds of years old, lying beneath the surface as mycelium, the vegetable part of the same fungi. The effects (seeing and hearing things that aren't real) begins to wear off after around 8 hours, by which time you and the people you're with are either secretly wishing you had stayed the fuck away and just watched the Cosby show instead or are regretting a bout of "experimentation".

The film and similar tangents.

Shrooms is also the name of a terrible horror film set in Ireland about a group of youths who were probably on a spring break getting loaded on mushrooms and then having a shitty time being chased around by what may or may not be their hallucinations, I can't remember exactly, I'm not watching it twice.

The mushroom in the film is known as a liberty cap, because they give you liberty and look like a little cap (Irish for hat) they are characterised by a nipple on the top, and if eaten fresh you can easily get the idea into your head that your eating lots of sexy little slimy boobies.

Mmmmm, the unmistakable taste of maggots, mud and poo, in weird booby shapes

The leading lady is blissfully unaware as she eats a black nippled liberty cap that it will be epic in it's power and will really fuck her up to the extent that it kills her or turns her into Scott Bakula, or another superhero. To burst the bubble on the plot slightly, this simply doesn't happen, although all fungi are inclined to develop with mutations, as with some people:

Yeah, like this guy.

eating mutated or irregular mushrooms is perfectly safe, and god knows, sometimes mutated boob shaped mushrooms are more appealing than ordinary ones.

Mushrooms are similar in effect to LSD and they do their shit using very similar active ingredients, both have been used as a means of temporary enlightenment, LSD by hippies, who found out the didn't have the motivation to do much and mushrooms by many shamanic cultures around the globe, for thousands of years, who formed their religions around the hallucinations they experienced, they must have been quite experimental too, because norse shamans worked out they could eat certain shrooms piss into a cup and give it to the next person in line to drink with the effect being as strong. Quite how this was discovered one can only speculate and eventually conclude that people of ancient Norse places were completely fucking mental.

Shrooms are often described as tasting unpleasant, but each person will have their own opinion, mushroom tea is made by steeping some in boiling water, skimming out the shrooms on top and drinking the water, now full of poison. Not that it can be described so aptly, as amazingly both shrooms and LSD are non toxic, stomach cramps occur often with magic mushrooms, though this could be from laughing or crying.

Santa and Rudolph and their ugly sordid past.

Coca Cola are always credited with putting Santa in a red suit and making him fat and old and beardy, but is the history written by Coca Cola subject to questioning? it's not like they've lied to us before right?

Still, not as bad as Pepsi's advertising campaign in India:

Maybe shrooms were responsible for the creation of Rudolph the red nosed hippy reindeer....

Let me set the scene, your now in the Norse shamanic village, you've just drunk a mushroom piss cocktail from a funnel and are scrambling around in Norseville watching the world melt and warp, seeing pig/dragons in the clouds and keeping sober people at bay who want to drink your piss.

You take a break from the watersports enthusiasts and walk out to tip over some aurochs and you catch a reindeer eating your precious mushrooms, fly agaric mushrooms to be precise, the ones you see in fairy tales. The horny bastard is partial to eating drugs just like you, and from where you're sitting his nose looks like the mushroom, giving chase spooks the reindeer who runs away, which to you looks like he jumped up into the air and flew off leaving a stream of starlight behind him, sure it was piss, but to you it was starlight, and on eating the starlight you get even more high and soon a bestial piss orgy the likes of which have never been seen before or since ensues for as long as it took the Christians to arrive, this may even be the origin on the phrase "getting pissed".

Santa himself might well have been red and white to resemble the fly agaric mushroom, which itself has long been traditionally associated with Christmas in Central Europe, the Germanic god Wotan (who was like an upgraded newer version of Odin) rode around on a horse on Christmas night, being chased by devils. Red and white flecks of blood and foam would dribble from the horse's mouth to the ground, where fly agaric toadstools would arrive the following year.

Santa Claus, look at the doped up tubby bastard!! Isn't this proof enough?

Shit I don't know, it's almost like a conspiracy or something and certainly intriguing, the next time you're eating nummy nummy shrooms, maybe you contemplate and ponder this, or like most people, maybe you just indulge your senses, risk a little and come back from your trip feeling like you might want to try it again some time.