Snow

Snow -noun. 1. "a precipitation in the form of ice crystals" 2. "Father Nature's bukakke on Mother Nature's face like one great big money shot" 3. "White stuff that impairs the driving abilities of people from the south"

Just The Facts

  1. Gotta be cold for snow to form, otherwise its called rain
  2. Has the abbility to cause chaos where ever it goes
  3. Never eat the yellow snow (that wasn't a lemon snow cone)
  4. Some of the best sports can be done on snow.
  5. Cats f*cking hate snow, we know this from experience

The damn white stuff

Every year around November on the North American continent those of us that are stuck in the North (right under Canada's ass) have to put up with this white abomination known as snow. Not only is it bad enough that the crap has to pile up all over the place but when it melts it causes flooding like you wouldn't believe. There is the good and bad to snow... lets start with the good.

The Good:

First off we have snowboarding. Snowboarding is a sport where the rider puts on big clunky boots, grabs a piece of plywood and rides on a moving chair for five minutes. After five minutes of anticipation the typical snowboarder gets about one minute of thrilling excitement before they finish or fall off (kinda like sex). Basically its the winter version of skateboarding, but without wheels. Its also a great spectator sport, not like that NASCAR crap because there are more than left turns involved here.

Sexy

Bet you never see this in NASCAR

What fun would snow be without building your very own SNOWFORT! There is no greater joy than building a fortress that can only be penetrated by those who own a hair dryer and an extension cord long enough to reach your fortress. Also you can you use the same material to build a few secuirtiy guards to protect the base. When the neighbor hood bully comes around to kick your ass after you threw a snowball at the back of his head you can rest assured he wont be able to fit his fat ass through the opening of your fort. Remember if you want an even tougher fort spray it with some cold water after you're done building it, the slippery walls will keep the ninjas from climbing over them.

Pictured: Fridgid baddassery "I'm gonna have to strip search you before you can enter"

The only downside is when spring comes... you're pretty much screwed. All that hard work you put into building your base of super evil operations has been reduced to a puddle. A freaking puddle!!

"Well General, I guess I'll see you back here in a few months"

Snowcones! Yes once again we humans have taken something as pure and inocent as snow, and turned it into a goddamned snack to feed the masses at fairs, circuses, and mall kiosks. Whoever had the great idea of taking syrup, making it pretty colors, and mixing it with slush that they probably scooped up from the side of the street is a genius though. Some people go as far to mix flavors because they want to "taste the rainbow" in their frozen delicious treat, to them I say why not try my special Yellow snow cone, its got a flavor like you wont belive. You can have this icy treat for usually less than a $1 and the ability to trust some grungy looking guy that probably just urinated in the mix before he opened his stand for buisness.

"One snow cone, with extra piss"

The Bad:

Just to make things clear, snow is not all fun and games. You can't always have that precious snow fort, surrounded by half naked babes on snowboards and snowmen with grenades. And eventually after being tossed in the snow enough times your cat is going to claw the holy bejesus out of your face leaving you there in a snow bank bleeding profusely, while he goes back to leave a surpise on your freshly laundered bedsheets (and no its not a snow cone).

"I will hide my feces under your pillow as well just for that"

Remember when you were a kid and whished that you could have a swimming pool in your backyard, but your parents were too cheap to even buy that plastic piece of crap you get at WalMart?

Its only $5 and provides fun for the whole family thats 3 feet tall and under 100 pounds!

Well thanks to the snow all melting and causing spring flooding your dream can finally come true to the point that your whole city is flooded, your house is flooded and all of your stuff is floating away (even the pissed off cat... good ridance). But maybe you were smart and built your house on a hill and you can have your very own water park and charge your neighbors admision.

Every fifth grader's "wet" dream

Shoveling oh God no, not more shoveling!! The worst part about snow fall is now you have to move it somewhere else so the people that are, shall we say, walking impaired can get around on the side walks. And you cant just dump that stuff on the street, oh no, because the city will get their panties all in a bunch. So the question is, where do we put all of it?? All you can do is just pile it up and hope for the best.

You better hope its a short winter

On the plus side you can bury the damn cat with it if it contiues to piss you off (thats for tracking kitty litter through the damn house).

"You're such a dick, all I did was forget to bury one turd and this is what I get."

Next we move onto car accidents. Apparently there are some people in this world that have never seen snow before, as soon as they encounter it the shit hits the fan. Of course snow has this lovely property of being slippery, more slippery than your girlfriend when you spread baby oil all over her body. It even has a dick move of its own by melting to water, and then refreezing into ice, making the roads almost impossible to drive. At this point you might as well just walk you fat ass to the store because thats the only way you're ever going to get there.

"All I needed was some condoms, but I got screwed before I got to the store"

In conclusion snow can bring both happiness and can also be a royal bitch pain in the ass. So the next time you people pray for a white Christmas you better be more specific as to how white you want it. Otherwise you end up with so much that you have to dig a tunnel to get to your front door. As for me I'm moving south, that is once I can find my car in this snow drift.