SPAM is a damn humorous product for many reasons. From it's not "quite right" jellied appearance, to it's place as an unlikely culinary staple, to its scores of overly-enthusiastic fans, SPAM holds a spicy, porky place in our hearts.
Just The Facts
- There are some facts about spam, but those are unimportant. Like tiny hairs sprouting from Kim Kardashians nipples, they are merely a distraction which one must overcome in order to sink your teeth into supple pink meat.
- Other uses for SPAM: In a pinch? chop loosely and you have a quick substitute for Glen BeckÃ¢ï¿½ï¿½s brains. Quickly microwave and you have a substitute vagina. Create opening per cock size. Use easy open top as a razor to slit your wrists after fucking spam block. Remove bright blue/ye
- Spam, of course a strong cult following, including those who hate it, and those who hate is somewhat less. While initially meaning Ã¢ï¿½ï¿½spiced hamÃ¢ï¿½ï¿½, many other Ã¢ï¿½ï¿½backronymsÃ¢ï¿½ï¿½ or bullshiat uses for the letters S-P-A-M have popped up including: S
What Mankind Knows of SPAM
Spam. The word alone conjures images more deeply unsettling than any Lovecraftian menace. The sickly pinkish flesh inside the airtight blue sarcophagus causes even the likes of Tebow and Seagal to flinch noticeably. SPAM! Soilent Green has sued it for copywrite infringement. Yet, as a meat-like-food-replacement it stands proudly. Why, you ask? How, you ask? Because of it's versatility, and the ability to withstand nuclear fallout and Time itself. Truth be told it can also be eaten.
Today we like our meat fresh or recently frozen, and reserve the canned meat products for the toothless guy behind us at WalMart. However, during WWII SPAM was created from necessity. Our troops overseas needed the finest most nutritious cuts of meat. Hormel, spotting a golden opportunity, recombined the less attractive cuts of pork along with a proprietary blend of spices into the meat brick we know and love today. The greasy gelatinous goop inside the can is aspic, natural slime (read:fat) that congregates as the meat bits cool -sort of like a white trash Terrine, or Head Cheese. The name SPAM, like the contents of the can, comes from combining "SPiced and hAM"
The long, long shelf life of SPAM allowed it to be consumed in far flung locales like Hawaii and the Pacific Theater. Today the 50th state is still the biggest SPAM eater. Hawaiians adore the stuff stuck to sushi, stir-fried with veggies, or even deep fried and enjoyed with poi, the national dish. While most people think the blue can is only bought by War Vets, Hawaiians, or hipsters, the people at Hormel are pushing it into every meal.
Hormel, an otherwise respectable company, turns into shameless pushers of "Spiced Ham". They have actually created a recipe search on their website. One simply must type in the number of people being fed, amount of time required, and mealtime and WOILA! Quick and easy breakfast diarrhea. Apparently, there are no recipes for a single man looking to prepare SPAM crepes in between vigorous masturbation sessions. Yet, if given a little more time you can createÃ¢ï¿½Â¦ (this actually exists) take a cleansing breathe, "Oven Roasted Turkey MEGA-MUFFINS". Not only does Oven Roasted Turkey flavored spam exist, it is the feature ingredient in this abomination. It never occurred to me to put real turkey inside a muffin, much less approximated turkey. Actually, meat-muffins do not exist, except for those things hulking beneath Oprah's bra strap. The muffins themselves glow with an eerie smugness, the muffin top shimmering like a margarine sea studded with salty, fleshy icebergs.
Spam, if it must be ingested, can only be stomached if burnt to a Pauly D. like crispness. Clearly Hormel, dismisses this common knowledge, and puts it on par with cranberries, walnuts, apples and other proper muffin stuffins. It is not. Do not heed them. If one finds one's self facing SPAM consumption, immolate the flesh until is resembles a crispy Buddhist Monk. Fry until only sodium and carbon molecules remain. Enjoy with eggs and toast.
SPAM the finest way to ghoulishly repackage animal flesh. Buy some today. Eat it next millenium!