Bands With The Most (annoying) Fans.

Fan comes from the word fanatic, which, in its longer form, is only ever used to convey obsession to the extent of either not getting dates or detonating oneself.

Just The Facts

  1. Fans of Bands are more likely to pay for music than casual listeners, so are precious to the band.
  2. Fans of Bands often do not marry outside the fandom, thus perpetuating their breed.
  3. Fans of Bands often go postal when their favourite band does something they dislike, e.g. Mark David Chapman.

7 - Dead Heads

"Look. You weren't there, you can't possibly understand, man. You obviously will put us down, because of all the time you spent being "educated" instead of "learning", you know what I mean? People will hate us, but it's just the brain-doctors bullshit they're saying. I toured with the Grateful Dead back in... some time ago. I opened my mind to some stuff, you should do the same. We would just keep on listening to the music, long after it stopped playing. Man, it's all echoes anyway, and we echo after we're dead like a dolphin in the dark.

I don't mean to preach man, but you are living your life under the Jackboot of the man, man. I just want you to stop telling me to wash and to start LOVING, wash you SOUL man, not you armpits. That smell is the same smell as druids would have had, thousands of years ago. Isn't it crazy that their smell is still in my armpits, it's like I could inhale their wisdom, man. I don't want to EARN money man, it's like they are telling us we can't live unless we do something that THEY deem useful. Likewise I'm not going to wash the druid smell from my armpits just because this society says that it's not cool to embrace the eternal love that is nature."

Annoyance rating: 2

Although as useful to the world as a dildo fucking a fleshlight, Dead Heads are essentially smelly stoners who really like music. They aren't self-absorbed or pretentious, and unless you are married to one or you live within one's "Stink radius" then they are of no danger to you. It is, however, upsetting to a lot of people that these fans get to vote JUST AS MUCH as someone who doesn't view the world through a haze of nostalgic smoke.

6 - Jonas Brothers/Miley Cyrus Fans

"OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD!!!!!!!!11!!!11!! I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW AWESOME THIS IS! I'm going to see the Jonas Brothers in 2 months :D:D:D:D, I can't believe how awesome the awesomeness of this whole situation is!!!!!1! :D:D:D:D

They are soooooo cute and they are soo hot. I ACTUALLY LOVE ALL OF THEM. My dad didn't want me to see them last time, because my mum said something about my panties stinking of "sloppy Jailbait-cunt" whenever I've been watching them, but this time they came to the nearest arena (which is only a day's drive from me) they let me see them! AWESOME :D

I don't get the loooosers who don't loooove them. They must be, like, retarded or something. They are a proper rock band, they all play guitars!!!!1!!! Anyone who says they aren't musically talented is obviously just an idiot. I learnt guitar so that if I got to go backstage I could impress them.

OOOO I CAN'T WAIT!!!! They always make me feel so... excited..."

Annoyance rating: 4

Disney has done very well in nurturing an entire race of small humans capable of selling insipid mundane music to preteens and early teens and pedophiles. I like to imagine that they are bred like Mandalorian clone troopers... But in spite of the following these bands attain, the bands only last as long as the singers' virginities, and the fans grow up just as much as the bands; it is a circle of life. The fans are just kids, they don't know any better. One day, they will be molested by a close family friend, and their childhood will end, and they will be JUST LIKE US WELL BALANCED GROWN UPS!

5 - The Black Parade/MCRmy

"Dear Diary

God, I hate this fascist shit. Just because I'm a bit more mature than my idiot classmates, and have something resembling a SOUL they castigate me. I fucking hate this shitty town. If I didn't have my MySpace [for those were the days] I think I would have already killed myself, not that I'm not going to, in fact I'd be killing myself now if I wasn't talking to you. My Chemical romance can say all this in songs, and they saved my life as well. Like MySpace did. At My funeral, I want My Chemical romance to play. I know I won't regret that at all, because I'll be dead, clutching that rose I stole from Helena's garden. People hate the music because they can't relate to the stories, because they live their perfect little lives with their "happy" boyfriends and girlfriends and their family's support. I feel like I'm the last human in this town, everyone else is just a fendippitous shell of life. What is life anyway?

Signed - Bloodheartlovebulletsthornbeautyrose666"

Annoyance rating: 6

MCR have waned on the public consciousness, but I'm sure we can all remember when the world was awash with whiney wierdoes with white skin and black hair and a forced sense of inverse snobbery. They're mostly gone now. So it goes. When I were younger, people like this were given therapy, or put in convents, or taken advantage of by at-first-supportive-at-second-horny local perverts. However, when My Chemical Romance combined glam-rock and pop-punk into something associated with saying you are going to kill yourself, something really SPECIAL happened. Very annoying, but they seemed to die out when Obama came to power (Hey, maybe THAT's why he got the Peace prize!).

4 - Rage Against The Machine

"Brothers, unite against the corporate machine! We got to Christmas number one instead of that corporate tool, but our work isn't done! Let's SHUT THIS SYSTEM DOWN. They're probably reading this email from their public monitoring bases, so I can't reveal to much, but we are planning a major rebellion against the evil oppressors in the form of an argument on a forum somewhere on the internet. I've probably said to much, but remember, Evil wins where the good man kept quiet. Peace Out!"

Annoyance rating: 7

Now, a lot of normal people like Rage Against the Machine, but as a band that thrives on anti-establishment lyrics, the whole shenanigans last Christmas ruined it for a lot of the less idiotic fans. Rage Against the Machine went up against a now-unknown loser for British number one. Who won? Sony, they owned both of them. PART OF THE MACHINE, MAN.

3 - Tokio Hotel

"I represent the fan base of Tokio Hotel. I put pictures of the lead singer up everywhere without mentioning that it is a guy."

Annoyance rating: 8

When you see a person, and they are beautiful, and you become aroused, and you rub out an aliquot of baby-batter, and then it turns out out that the person was not the gender you expected, you want revenge.

So fuck you, Tokio Hotel fans, for bringing this confusing young man to our attention.

2 - Juggalos

"[I would put something here, but I honestly don't understand the gutter-language of the Insane Clown Posse's carnivalesque following]"

Annoyance Rating: 9

They are poor, uneducated, fat, their music sounds like teachers rapping (plus obscenity), they try their utmost to be "insane" but just look silly. If Mr Mime was evolved using a moon stone having just fed him a billion rare candies, he would evolve into something that looks like a Juggalo.

Our Winners: BAND X

Band X is a different band every conversation. Band X is a different Genre every time a blog is updated or whenever too many people like a band. Band X is the ever-shifting zeitgeist soundtrack to hipsters' constant dressing, undressing and smoking fags (Britishism Euphemism!).

"You like Band X? Well, I saw them last year, there were about 12 people in the audience. They hadn't sold out as much as they have now. Reminded me of Band Y, but I'm sure the same is true for you. Oh, you actually hadn't heard of Band Y, oh wow. Anyway, I've totally gone off Band X, the new wave of [absurd genre name] is beginning with Band X' though I doubt you'd have heard of them. Welp, I have to go have half of my hair shaved off and to go get my dick shortened. By the way, did you see how my pie chart was exploded? Yeah, pretty cool huh. It's how everyone will do pie charts soon. Everyone always copies me. Well bye."

Annoyance rating: 10

Pretentious, understanding irony but not applying it to themselves, these dickless musical nomads are most often encountered in universities, and you hate them. They are the effete manifestation of Morrisian introspection and unwarranted condescendence, and there is no reason to respect their sanctity of life. Their life is controlled by Pitchfork, their genitals controlled by restrictive denim.

The chances are, if you are reading this on a Macbook, and your breath smells of semen, then you are a hipster. If so, I envy your feeling of self importance.