Abstract Art

Abstract art uses crazy and unrealistic imagery to get the artist's point across. There are two types: actually good stuff that requires actual talent to create, and what a two-year-old kid scribbles on a piece of paper.

This is ART!

Just The Facts

  1. Abstract art has become famous for taking almost no skill.
  2. Not all of it is bad, but most of it is.
  3. Shut up, man! You just don't understand the raw expression of PAIN these guys are expressing!
  4. If you're a really good abstract artist, you're really fucked up in the head.
  5. If you're a really bad abstract artist, you're also really fucked up in the head. But in the bad way.

What is abstract art?

Abstract art is usually void of recognizable images. The artist uses random shapes and lines to convey what they are thinking. The crazy ones actually see the entire world like this, but they are the ones who do crazy stuff like throw themselves in a fireplace or stab themselves to death with their big toe.

Abstract art is the most full of shit art movement ever. It is favored by emos and hipsters.

The pain!

The darker brown section obviously represents the artist's inner turmoil, dark and unwavering, and his many suicidal thoughts. The yellow is a rare glimpse of hope and the will to live, but it fades so quickly, and he soon goes back to a deep depression.

Seriously, people! It's a line. A straight fucking line. The people who say that there are all kinds of hidden meanings in art are like your old high school English teacher who made you write all of those analytical essays on books too long to read. You know the type.

All in all, anyone can draw some lines on a piece of paper and say it represents the pain of living or unicorns or other BS.

Is abstract art easy to make?

Abstract art requires no knowledge of any of the traditional aspects of art, such as perspective, dimension, recognizable images, etc. So, yes, abstract art is extremely easy to make. Here are some fool-proof steps to creating your own fabulous piece of beauty!

Step One: Paint the canvas your favorite color.

Step Two: And some splashes of your least favorite color.

Step Three: Frame and sell on eBay.

Your favorite color represents your life. The little splotches of your least favorite color represent all of the crap you have to take, but the background is the foundation that reminds you life goes on.

There, you just created something, analyzed it like some Harvard professor, and made a few bucks while you were at it!

Is there actually any good abstract art?

It is hard to find something considered "abstract" and have it actually be something that a talented person made. I went on a journey to see if I could find any. That amazing journey is documented below:

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It was a summer day, scorching and unrelentless. Maybe there was something to this global warming thing after all. I took of my official reproduction Indiana Jones hat to wipe the sweat off my brow, then set it back on my head. It's go time!

"Whew! I finally made it! After all these years, all this searching... it was right in front of me!" I said while looking into the windows of a gleaming Starbucks.

I pushed the door open to a sea of MacBooks, wool sweaters, and thick-rimmed glasses. Perfect.

I decided to venture into this unknown territory to interact with these strange beings... FOR SCIENCE! It was a difficult job, but someone had to do it.

I walked up to one of the gentlemen drinking some type of blended coffee.

"Excuse me, sir, but I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about art." I said a bit tentatively.

"Sure, man, but you probably won't understand a thing I'm talking about, because the art I like is just so underground. Nice hat by the way, it's so ironic!"

"Umm, thank you," I replied, thinking this young man doesn't really have a grasp on irony, "So on to my questions...

"Do you like abstract art?"

"Yeah, of course, man! I just saw this new chick's work, her name is Brummbrumm298, she paints with the blood off of her used tampons. You probably think that's nasty, but it's a girl thing. I only understand because I'm in touch with my feminine side," he smugly replied.

I was severely confused by all of this. "Well, actually, I am a girl--"

"Whoa, eww, my bad!" the hipster interrupted.

I rolled my eyes.

"As I was saying, I'm a girl and I find that disgusting and pointless," I paused for a second, and then decided to continue with my questioning, "So, what do you think of more traditional abstract artists, like Matisse, Mondrian, and the like?"

"No, no, way too mainstream for me. Their art just isn't deep enough, ya know? The meaning is too easy to find. It's like their not even trying. It's gross!"

So know I knew this young man doesn't really have a grip on irony or grossness. Perhaps it was ironic he thought respected artists were gross but not smeared period blood. Oh well, I thought it best to end my study there.

"Well, thank you for your help, I appreciate it!"

"Yeah, man, whatevs." The hipster turned back to his laptop.

I thought this was the end, that my journey was fruitless. But I still wanted to find out if there was actually any genuinely good abstract art. I smiled as soon as I remembered that I had my laptop in my bag.

I sat down at a table as I pulled out my computer. My green Dell netbook might attract some unwanted attention in this world of Apple products, but it was a chance I was willing to take... FOR SCIENCE!

I brought up Google and typed in three very simple, but very powerful words:

Good. Abstract. Art.

I will share my findings with you.

Crazy.

Well, I'm not quite sure if this qualifies as "abstract" but, HORSIE!

Tree thing.

Yeah, this is actually kind of nice. It can tell it's a tree and flowers, so that's already a step up.

Lake or something.

Some animals. Or something.

Bran and heart.

I can kind of see a meaning behind this.