valentines

While it's also the holiday of love, sparkles and the emasculation of men, it's also the day that Hallmark shits their pants by just looking at their profit margins...that and the sheer fact that someone's actually buying their shit.

Well said big guy.

Your girlfriend (in your head).

What your girlfriend probably actually looks like. (If that doesn't kill your libido you are one SICK and TWISTED fucker.)

Just The Facts

  1. The holiday was never actually intended to honor any of the St-Valentines (yes, there were more than one. No one actually knows which one was which though).
  2. The Roman Catholic church actually removed Valentine's day from their calendar in the late 60s.
  3. More people commit suicide on Valentines Day than on Christmas.
  4. It really was just a ploy conducted by the chocolate, flower and froufrou companies run by a bunch of freaking genius pimps.

Return of the Psychos. Year, after year.... after year....after-

While you may not be surprised to know that the week before Valentines day is the third most profitable week for the economy all year, its also the week most people go completely and totally berserk.

The reason guys heads no longer have functioning thought beyond various expletives is that they probably forgot until the day before when some significant other (wife, girlfriend, fuckbuddy, hoe or justfriend*coughsurecough* or life-partner) subtly (e.g. all but rents a plane pulling the marquee 'spend money on me') hints that the uber special day is coming up. Read: soon.

The reason most girls are fretting is because they freak out over whether or not someone will get them a 10 cent card bearing the phrase 'I wub you thiiiiiiiis much' in big, bold sparkly letters with an overly cutesy pink bear caricatured across the front. Don't lie ladies, unless you have the self-esteem of say...well I have no adequate comparison for the balls (...figurative ones anyway) it takes to actually, totally, completely and sincerely not give a rats ass about this holiday. But well yeah... Unless your ego could fill a couple warehouses, even the most hardass 'I dont need a man to make me happy', feminist, psychotic or swimming-up-a-river-in-Egypt girls tend to become unsexy gremlins around this time.

Or lesbians.

Whichever works.

The Great Mindfuck Behind February

Let's be honest guys and gals; Valentines day really isn't that bad.

Pretend I never said that.

But in all honesty, it's one day a year where we're suffocated by lace and frills. Big whoop. It's nothing to cry to your mommies over.

Also, its probably the one day a year when more people are having sex at any given moment then committing felony. So points to the greeting card companies for lowering the crime rate!

Break out the whips and chains people. Its probably only day a year (other than your birthday, assuming they dont forget) that you can get your significant other to go along with whatever freaky fetish you're into with minimal complaints.

Ever wonder why so many babies (16%) are born in November?

Lo and behold! Backtrack nine months and see where that gets you.

Yes sweetheart. You now know the exact day of your conception.

Oh I'm sorry. Did I mindfuck a few of you?