Physical Exercise: Are you getting enough? Are you a musclebound he-man who checks himself out in the gym mirror more so than most straight males would be comfortable with seeing in a social setting? Well then, you're on the right track.

Before the elliptical workout.

After the elliptical workout.

Just The Facts

  1. Fat is the leading cause of illness and death in America.
  2. In the past, Fat has not normally affected humans, although there have been a few cases reported in people with direct exposure to pigs or in those who have been near pigs.
  3. From December 2005 to February 2009, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported 12 cases of human infection with Fat.
  4. Wash your hands often and, when possible, avoid public places, such as restrooms, public transit, or gyms during Fat season.

Enter the Elliptical

Wikipedia defines an elliptical trainer as a stationary exercise machine used to simulate walking or running without causing excessive pressure to the joints. This odd-looking contraption looks much like a treadmill mated with a stationary bike. It has been suggested that this machine has combined the muscle-toning quadriceps workout of the bike, the intense cardio workout of a treadmill, and the functionality of Miley Cyrus' bra.

How it Works

Elliptical trainers offer a "non-impact cardiovascular workout" that can vary from light to high intensity based on the resistance preference set by the user. However, because users are invariably fat, elliptical trainers are considered to be minimal-impact. [citation needed.] The machine is designed to provide a cardiovascular workout rather than build muscles. Because of the fact that one is more than capable of several hours on an elliptical while feeling a whole lot of not-a-damn-thing, these are especially popular with fat New-Year-resolutionists. However, that does not impede the flow of "joint injuries" that frequently and mysteriously plague fatties elliptical users every year from January 19-28th.

For Gym or Home Use

Regardless, elliptical trainers are growing in popularity. One reason may be that because the person who is exercising is not taking his or her feet off of the pedals, and exercise can be done at a gentler rate, still getting the same degree of results as with a treadmill. This is much like how people can get the same benefits of jogging or light running by the use of the Segway. Also, at home, especially in an apartment setting, ellipticals are said not to make as much noise as a treadmill may make for one's downstairs neighbors. However, the loss of closet space may eventually make for an uncomfortably cramped living area, and unlike stationary bikes, ellipticals are not designed for facilitated conversion into a barstool or TV chair.

The Final Word

However, if you choose to purchase an elliptical for your home use, the weight loss benefits are not completely negligible. Those fuckers cost as much as about 4 to 6 hundred buckets of fried chicken. And besides, the economy being like it is, America needs ambitious people like you to invest in good, reliable American-made merchandise.

This is what you're doing to america's poor, you greedy prick.

This is what you're doing to America's poor, you greedy prick.

Keep poverty-ridden Americans from starving to death:

Buy an elliptical.