American Idol

American Idol is a reality television competition based on the British show Pop Idol. For 8 years, it has satisfied our basic human need to see Simon Cowell shatter the dreams of thousands of talentless singers.

Decently attractive girl in bikini + national audience = 15 minutes of fame

Just The Facts

  1. Idol is one of the highest-rated TV shows in the history of television.
  2. During the show's 9 year run, Ryan Seacrest has reached uncharted levels of douchebaggery.
  3. Simon Cowell started out in the music business as a mail room clerk. No joke.

America's Favorite Show

American Idol debuted to modest ratings in 2002. It quickly became one of the most watched shows in the US, as millions of viewers tuned in each week to hear a British guy be a dick to people all across the country. The winner of the show is chosen every year by viewers through telephone and SMS Text voting. This has led to the creation of websites such as which are devoted to voting for the most hated contestants, proving once again that Americans have entirely too much time on their hands.

Loyal Idol viewers will try to prove to you that it is an interesting, worthwhile show. Don't be fooled. Anything they tell you is a lie meant to lure you into watching the show, therefore validating their poor taste in TV entertainment and making them feel better about their own decrepit lives.

Too harsh?

One of the reasons many viewers tune in to Idol is to hear Simon Cowell deliver brutally honest rejections to people who genuinely believe they have good voices. In most cases, the contestants range somewhere between funny, sad, or <a href="" rel="nofollow" >bat shit insane.</a> The typical early season performance goes like this:

Contestant gives a performance that rates somewhere between the Bay of Pigs Invasion and Hurricane Katrina as far as disasters go.

Randy Jackson: I don't know dawg....I mean, you're my dawg and everything but...that really wasn't doing it for me dawg..

Paula Abdul: (Incoherent drunk rambling)

Simon Cowell: What, the hell, was that? That was without question *the worst* thing I've ever heard. You should never sing again, in fact, (tosses contestant a loaded pistol) why don't you just do us all a favor and kill yourself. Now. I'm completely serious, go.

Most Idol watchers defend Simon's cruelty, playing it off as the brutally honest intervention that most of the talentless contestants need to hear in order to overcome their self delusions of vocal ability. What, self delusional people tend to take rejection badly? Nah, they'll be fine.. In unrelated news, former Idol contestant <a href=",,20239837,00.html" rel="nofollow" >Paula Goodspeed</a> committed suicide in front of Paula Abdul's house in November of 2008, leading some to question whether the show was responsible. Because you know, laughing in someone's face and making fun of her appearance on national television after she's humiliated herself in front of her idol tends to have that effect. Especially if the person's had a history of mental illness.