Reptiles

Reptiles are unique animals for two reasons: 1) In giant form they can single handedly make up for Jennifer Lopez's acting. 2) When found in households, they serve as an easy way to identify pedophiles or World of Warcraft fanatics.

Just The Facts

  1. Reptiles are cold-blooded, meaning most need sun to help them survive. Due to this fact, scientists theorize that sorority girls may be part reptile.
  2. Reptiles have many cool abilities that make people want them as pets, upon owning one, however, they ALL display one more ability... the inability of their owner to participate in any sex that doesn't require buffering.
  3. Reptiles are responsible for the careers of Steve Irwin, Paul Hogan (Crocodile Dundee), Jennifer Lopez, any SyFy channel: alum (Casper van Dien/Dean Cain), Producer, Director, writer, boom operator, key grip, or set-caterer. Undeniable proof that although reptiles seem cool, they are huge assholes
  4. While filming Jurassic Park 2, dinosaurs were responsible for making Vince Vaughn's work in the Psycho remake look like Al Pacino's in The Godfather. Never one to stray too far from a winning formula, to-date, Vince continues to work with Petrie from Land Before Time-esque actor, Owen Wilson.
  5. Dinosaurs have, on two separate occasions, made Jeff Goldblum (yes, that Jeff Goldblum) look like a badass (read: less skin crawlingly creepy than usual). A feat previously attempted by Will Smith, aliens, Bill Pullman, a fly, Geena Davis, and the albino dude from Powder. All failures.

Dinosaurs...the Family Friendly Killing-Machines

Every guy in his mid-20's whose parents gave two shits about him as a child has some fond childhood memories of running around the house in their dinosaur pajamas, and begging mom to let you stay up a little bit longer to play with their new T-Rex action figure. Dinosaurs, the kings of the reptile world, have been the center of Hollywood blockbusters since the dawn of stop-motion animation, but in June of 1993 the game changed forever.

When Jurassic Park hit the big screen, families everywhere sat and watched in wonderment as Mother Nature's biggest badasses were resurrected from souvenirs bought at the local Native American gift shop. Whether your favorite thunder lizard was the T-Rex, Triceratops, Velociraptor, the Spitter (Scientific Name: bullshitafakefuckasaur), or Newman you knew them all, and had all the toys. Sure, your dad might have had to pick up 10-15 hours of overtime a week just to support your insatiable hunger for plastic dinosaurs, but that's a small price to pay for the hope that when you bring the latest and greatest Velociraptor complete with realistic battle damage to the playground your typical psychologically damaging ear fucking by the other kids vicious comments will temporarily subside because they're distracted by how cool your new toy is. Even if dropping loads of hard earned cash on toys for your greedy ass didn't keep you from getting pounded under the monkey bars, it most definitely occupied you long enough to buy your dad some alone time with your mom to try and rekindle that romance that meant so much to them before you came along and stole their youth. Yeah, try and recall all those repressed memories you have of walking in on mom and dad cause you thought he was choking her in her sleep. Yep, that's right, they were just trying to capitalize on a fleeting moment of alone time by having a little Jurassic Park role playing fun of their own, your mom being Newman and dad providing the role of the Spitter. Deal with it.

All the toys in the world can't heal the emotional scarring dad's " Super Sodomy Saturday Nights" left on your psyche

Parents all across the country supported their kids borderline addiction to all things Jurassic Park. Even that one friend who had the tight-ass mom that wouldn't even let you watch Saturday morning cartoons when you slept over, because she heard some bullshit story at a PTA meeting about how a kid was killed while pretending to be a Power Ranger had all the J.P. toys, bed sheets, and VHS with holographic T-Rex insert. Whether it was Samuel L. Jackson's severed arm falling on Laura Dern, that annoying ass lawyer hiding in a bathroom only to get bit in half moments later, or the Steve Irwin guy who clearly wanted to fuck a Raptor getting a face full of poetic justice as he is gang raped by a pack of them, all of the blood-soaked mayhem was just fun for the whole family. These loveable bunch of dinosaurs could perform any unthinkable act of brutality on a human being and it would be considered perfectly fine for little Johnny to watch at the mature age of 7. The consumption of human flesh had never been so mainstream.

"Timmy, if you don't clean your room right now you are sure as hell not getting that Jeffrey Dahmer action figure. I don't care if the penis sandwich is only included for a limited time!"

In fact, the only scene that should be censored is the scene where that annoying bastard kid gets skull fucked by ten-million volts of T-Rex's electric fence cause he is too big of a pussy to jump the ten feet he inevitably gets blasted down anyways, but still survives. They should have just cut away once he hit the ground, and blurred out his image the rest of the movie. Leaving the audience to assume he is dead, thus allowing them to enjoy the film without his obnoxious face. Seriously, that fence is meant to keep a goddamn Tyranasaurus Rex contained. That fucking kid weighs 17 lbs, and somehow avoids exploding into a hilarious array of human confetti. Fuck! Bringing dinosaurs back to life, fine. Bringing Colonel Sanders back to life to run said dinosaur park, I'll buy that too. Not killing that kid when they had the chance... there is no God.

Damn. Way to drop the ball Spielberg. You must have been the Dean of Admissions at Hitler's 1st choice art school in a former life. Wasted opportunities.

The Amazing Abilities of Reptiles

Hands down the best part of reptiles is the crazy array of special powers they have. Logistically speaking, it is retarded that these things went extinct in the first place, but it is downright mind boggling that they haven't evolved enough yet to overthrow mankind and turn us into sex slaves. Here is a breakdown of some of the crazier mutant abilities of these X-Men of the Animal Kingdom.

The Chameleon

Ah yes, the chameleon, Mother Nature's retarded step-son. If animals went to high school and gave out awards to all the seniors before graduation, the lowly chameleon would most certainly snag "Most Likely to Be a Sex-Offender." Sadly, the fear of reptile born Salmonella outbreaks in public schools keeps them from attending school with the rest of today's youth (yes, I checked, that's the only reason they don't.)

Goddamn you Salmonella!! Is no one safe?

The Chameleon possess a couple awesome abilities that, strangely enough, serve only one purpose. A successful career as a serial child molester... or just a general molester. There isn't enough evidence to support the theory they only prey on children, and we're not here to throw around fallacies as if they were fact. For all intents and purposes, however, we will assume they prefer to strictly molest children. First, they can change their color to match their surrounding. True, many other animals do this too, but not all of them molest children so bare with me. This ability to change colors provides it with the perfect camouflage in order to sneak into little kids rooms and wait for the moment to strike. Anything can be duplicated and turned into a perverted deathtrap. A curtain. A shoe. A teddy bear.

An acid trip. Which explains why so many chameleons are caught slipping LSD into Capri Sun pouches. Yes, chameleons are also drug dealers. Fuckers.

Even if a chameleon can't physically sneak into a child's room, they can easily leer at them from the tree outside their window. Actually, they can leer at your kid, and at your recently divorced neighbor who spends his whole night watching furry porn. They accomplish this feat by utilizing their independently moving telescope eyes. If that sentence about telescope eyes doesn't scream pedophille (the furry porn part didn't help?) then nothing does.

The Basilisk

The basilisk is also known as "The Jesus Lizard." It gets this nickname for one simple fact. It once had a bastard love child with Mary Magdalene which would go on to be chastised by every God fearing Christian or Dan Brown fan for years to come. Ironically, it also runs on water, which, apparently is mentioned in some big ass book about a Mexican guy of the same name.

On the third day he rose again. And was immediately eaten by a hawk.