Asian Girls

Asian girls are an exotic and graceful species of female. For those of you who have never seen one not on a computer screen: asian girls are a rare item loot drop.

Just The Facts

  1. Asian girls are a combination of math genius and sex;
  2. They are smaller and more efficient, like a compact car;
  3. Should you attempt to mate with one, be aware that they all totally know kung fu;
  4. If you get past their crane style: They love you long time!

Year of the Babe

There is an old urban legend which states that Asian girls have sideways vaginas. Believe it or not, this is an actual myth which still floats around to this day. We guess that it was started by the sailors who first visited Asia; you know, the same guys who thought that manatees were mermaids and totally wanted to get a piece of that...

Since we at Cracked know practically everything there is to know about women (having read the wikipedia page on them several times), we feel it is our duty to the readers to set the record straight and tell you that yes, in fact, them thangs be sideways. Also, all asian girls look like this:

Pink hair rules!

Asian girls have been fetishized by a lot men in the west, who see them as exotic and mysterious, a whole 'nother flavor in the banquet that is women. Many of those same men also tend to be under the impression that Asia is a continent just teeming with hot girls who absolutely love white men. Of course, part of this misconception could stem from the fact that in Asia, the men don't even seem to have a good grasp of what their ladies look like. Seriously, they don't even know how to draw their own women (For source, see every anime ever).

But fear not! Cracked is here to give you, Mr. Warcraft O'sweatpants, all the ancient wisdom you need for a 100% guaranteed score with an Eastern hottie*

*Cracked is not legally responsible for your lack of game.

Super Big Date Advice

1. Never confuse one type of Asian girl for another.

We mention this first because, after your crippling neuroses, this is the problem most likely to kill your chances and end the night in another date with good old lefty. Yes, lefty is true blue, but today we're after bigger fish. Koreans don't like to be called Japanese, Chinese don't want to be called Vietnamese, and don't forget there's still Cambodians, Laosians and Thai people. Imagine how you would feel if someone mistook you for a Frenchman (Pistols at dawn!). This may take a little recon on your part. Different Asian cultures have distincly different names, for example. Zhang Chen is a Chinese name; Haruko Aoki is certainly Japanese. If you've got nothing else, you could try looking at a globe. It couldn't hurt, probably. Unless you're one of those people who forget something important every time you learn something new. You don't really need to remember your address, that's why you have a driver's license.

Failing any creditable intel on your girl, a wild stab in the dark is better than nothing. Give it a shot right now:

See the difference?

2. Don't make fun of or stereotype her culture

You'll definitely want to demonstrate a basic knowledge of her culture, convince her you're not the mouth-breather she thought you were when she saw you out of the corner of her eye leering drunkly at her smooth, silky legs. Try talking about how much Godzilla sucks, and why can't he just leave you guys alone already?

Again, if you don't want to do any sort of research, at least try to avoid displays of ignorance, which would shame you and your family for generations. Don't, for example, walk up to her and say, "I just ate some powdered tiger bone and yak loin. I'm so ready to knock boots!" At best she'll just think you're an idiot. Because seriously, everyone knows that yak loin doesn't give you half the virility of rhino horn, and tiger bone? that's just placebo.

3. Allow for cultural differences.

You've gotten a date. Congratulations, but the difficulties aren't over yet. In fact, it only gets harder from here on out. Small, cultural quirks will often arise between the two of you and get in the way. Lefty is starting to look pretty good, you might begin to think, or, why I am going through all this?

Ah yes, now I remember

All of the small assumptions that you may have accrued from relationships in the past, like when it's appropriate for the first kiss, will probably all need to be reevaluated. Asian girls also tend to be a little more shy than you're probably used to, they take longer to open up. This where a lot of men lose heart; they begin overthinking and second-guessing themselves even more than usual. The key is patience. It will take some time to smooth out all the bumps and misunderstandings, but if you can show her that the cultural differences don't bother you, and that you're in it for the long haul, well then she may just begin to forget all about her old boyfriend.

Her old boyfriend

4. Never wear shoes in her house

Two words, dude: odor eaters

5. Schoolgirl uniform w/ roleplay

You have now reached a place that many would give their very lives to see, if only for the briefest of moments before the tremendous awe and majesty of it reduced them to smoking piles of ash.

Well done, friend. Confucious say: Meter stick good for spanking. You freaky s.o.b.

Please to Enjoy

For those of you who have yet to master the wisdom of these teachings, you will have to content yourselves with thoughts of what might be: