In a world of underpants and shoe bombers, flying is a new form of torture. I and My fellow Arabs see the worst of it as we are constantly giving extra personalized treatment. Here is my guide to make the Arab travel experience fun again.
1. Smile! Just a simple smile takes you a long way and puts everyone else at ease. Please do not break up with your girlfriend then board a plane. But don't overdo it and go for a smirk, it might be misunderstood.
2. It is not profiling, it's celebrity watch! An Arab in an airport is like a celebrity walking down the street. Everyone wants to know us and gives us extra attention. Try to enjoy the curious and inquisitive looks you have grown accustomed to.
3. Take along a book with a funny title that signals the other travelers not to take you seriously. Suggested titles: "I'm Fine," by Howard Yu, "Big Fart!" by Hugh Jass, "I Like Fish," by Ann Chovie, "I Like Liquor," by Ethyl Alcohol, "I Didn't Do It!" by Ivan Alibi, "I Lived in Detroit," by Helen Earth, "If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?!" by Cynthia Heimel
4. A Smokey Arab, is a smoking gun indicating you are about to start a fire, in other word, about to inflict harm. Any smoke coming from an Arab raises suspicion...quit it already!
5. Don't eat Mexican food within 24 hours of your flight; frequent trips to the bathroom are not cool.
6. Don't fly first class, why does an Arab need the extra leg room? Put what you save toward "I love America fund" only to be used to purchase the latest Ann Coulter Book.
7. Don't be well endowed, an Arab with something big in their pants reminds us of the underwear bomber and don't even think of pitching a tent. Let your college friends worry about the penis enlargement, it's not for you.
8. Dress like you are going on a Hajj, you are half naked that way. No need for the TSA agent to look at your junk.
9. Wear flip flops and put other passengers at ease. Not to self: keep your flip flops on, your feet stink
10. Avoid the urge to take a vacation to Yemen, Sudan, or Somalia. Unless you like pirate sighting, saving Darfur, or chewing Qat, stay the hell out.
11. I suggest using a Snuggie, no one will take you seriously then. Plus, the Snuggie allows for your hands to be visible at all time. Don't use or ask for a blanket during your flight. Tough up man, you don't want to give the wrong ideas.
12. Up in the air? Don't fly at all, try Amtrak, Greyhound, or the Chinatown bus. They will soon offer a discount for non-flying Arabs.
13. Getting caught with your zipper down or trying to zip it on a flight might as well be your last zippered pants. Try sweat pants. Unless you are a Democrat looking for an affair or a Republican looking for some gay sex, forget it. Keep your zipper up.
14.Don't talk about the last action movie you saw and how the movies villain plotted to bomb that building. Do not give them a reason to be suspicious stick to chick flicks
15. Sorry Ali, you can no longer claim to have a "spark" with a hottie on your flight. A spark could have given us a disaster in the case of the underpants bomber.
16. Say goodbye to Arabs joining the Mile High Club, unless you can make it an express quickie.
17. Ditch your credit card; Fox News does not want you to fly, you do not want you to fly, seriously what will you do with all those extra frequent flyer miles? Pay cash.
18. Never too late to start shopping at Victoria Secret. The store saw a spike in demand on men thongs. Evidently you cannot really attach anything to those.