The Legend Of Zelda: Majora's Mask

The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask is the sixth game in the Legend of Zelda series and was released in 2000. It is also, depending on who you talk to, either one of the best or one of the worst. There is no middle ground.

Majora's Mask in a nutshell.

Concept Art.  The actual game contains no tentacles.

Just The Facts

  1. The whole game happened just because a grinning dude couldn't lock up his stuff better. If I had an artifact capable of destroying the world, I'd probably be more careful with it.
  2. This game made better use of the Ocarina of Time than The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time did.
  3. Evidently creepy evil moons, mostly naked fairies, naked zombies humping you, undead child soldier skeletons, and wearing people's souls on your face all fit under the "E" rating.
  4. This is the first Legend of Zelda game that featured Tingle. A decade has passed, and the Japanese still haven't figured out that we never liked him.

The Game

Majora's Mask was released shortly before the Nintendo Gamecube, so it was pretty much fucked in terms of production. Also, people really disliked the gameplay. You have three days to do something important in the game before a moon falls. If you don't, you have to play the Ocarina of Time to return to the first day. There are only two ways to save: returning to that first day, or talking to an owl statue. Unfortunately, the owl statue knew if you were mining your save points, and if you tried that shit on him, he'd just dump you back at the first day. This controversial system was hated by many fanboys. Keep in mind that these are probably the same fanboys who complained about The Wind Waker's graphics, assuming that anything cel-shaded couldn't possibly be any good.

RIGHT IN THE HEAD!

IT'S CARTOONY AND THEREFORE IT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE BADASS!

It was only later (meaning after people started illegally using emulators) that people noticed that it was a good game with creative gameplay, intruiging story, and the most character development a Legend of Zelda game will ever have.

They also noticed that it was creepy as fuck.

The Story

As the story opens, Link goes searching for Navi, the annoying fairy from Ocarina of Time. Why he would go looking for her is a mystery. As he rides through the woods, he is attacked by two fairys (neither of which is Navi) and an imp wearing a mask. The imp steals Link's equipment and horse and rides off. Link, while chasing him, falls through a hole and somehow ends up in an alternate universe. The imp, referred to as the Skull Kid, decides to turn him into Pinocchio. He then runs off, accidentally ditching one of the fairies. She introduces herself as Tatl, and says that she'll hang around you, but only so she can get back to her brother, who is, creatively enough, named Tael.

As you chase after the Skull Kid and Tael, you are stopped by the Happy Mask Salesman, who probably inspired his share of nightmares.

THE BASTARD STOLE MARIO'S FACE!

Despite his creepy and menacing appearance, he is not the final boss. We all made that mistake.

He tells you that the Skull Kid stole that mask he's wearing, and he wants it back. Oh, and also that there's an destructive abomination called Majora sealed inside it. However, he has to leave in three days, which, by some crazy coincidence, is when the world is slated to be crushed beneath a moon! Imagine that!

Aforementioned Moon. Artist's rendition.

Naturally, Link immediately trusts the suspicious looking happy man with the mysterious agenda and enters Clock Town, the main city in Termina. He then must spend three days looking for the Skull Kid by doing very important work, like bribing a salesman, learning how to blow bubbles, and, um...playing hide-and-seek. At the end of the third day, Link is finally able to reach the Skull Kid--unless, of course, the player screwed up, in which case he has to redo the entire three days. Anyway, Link confronts the Skull Kid. In a helpful attempt to save the world, Tael attempts to betray the Skull Kid and promptly gets bitchslapped. This cements Tatl's decision to stay with Link, and she helps him gets his Ocarina back. He returns to the first day in Termina (since he couldn't just go back even further and prevent the entire thing from happening in the first place), and somehow Mr. Giggles knows that three days have passed and that Link has failed. He then proceeds to go batshit insane and demands that you get his mask back.

His grin is haunting

AND HE'S STILL GRINNING!

He then teaches Link a song, which turns him back into a real boy. However, Link can still switch forms by putting on the mask. Through the course of the game, Link finds two more dead/dying people and traps their souls in masks, allowing Link to transform into them and impersonate them in their societies and ensuring that said societies get utterly screwed over when he leaves.

Also, wearing other people's souls on your face tends to hurt a bit.

The game has a bunch of occasionally touching sidequests, which include making a guy's chickens grow up, letting a guy vent, keeping a bomb shop from having its merchandise stolen, saving a marraige, and stopping aliens from abducting cows (no, really). However, no matter how many warm fuzzies you get from doing them, the fact that they're undone every time you reset time is kind of a killjoy.

Link completes four temples (each of them insanely difficult without the game fucking timing you) to free four weird-looking giants that stop the moon by catching it. The titular mask decides it won't stand for this lame nonsensical crap and starts forcing the moon downward. And then the moon swallows Link. Yes, you read that correctly. It completely ingests him. And then he ends up here.

Don't freak out, don't freak out, don't freak out....

Not unnerving at all. Unless, you know, you came here direcly after being eaten by the moon.

Link then plays hide-and-seek with kids who are wearing the faces of the bosses he killed. He proceeds to fight Majora, wins, and befriends the Skull Kid as the Moon turns into a spherical rainbow and explodes. Turns out the whole thing was all the mask, and totally not his fault. Except it kinda was, since he stole the mask in the first place. Either way, the people decide that they're perfectly happy now, and kicking out the kid who solved all their problems is the best way to reward him. And that's it. Link leaves. How exactly he got back to Hyrule from this alternate dimension is never fully explained.

The Fuck?

Majora's Mask is quite possibly the most messed up game ever to come from the Legend of Zelda series...which, since it comes from Japan, is already pretty weird. Remember those Redeads in Ocarina of Time? Remember how they looked like naked zombies? Remember how they would rape you if you got too close?

Well, in Majora's Mask, they're back...with a whole new lever of whatthefuckery.

That's right. They dance. And that's not the half of it. How about the guy who's half mummy?

MummyMan

Braaaaaaaains.

Or the incredibly painful-looking transformations mentioned earlier? Or the happy meadow? Or the weird-looking giants? Or the aliens who steal cows? Or the half-naked fairy ladies? Or turning a temple upside down and falling into the sky? Or the phalluses outside said temple?

Phallus of Malice

No, seriously.

Or the hand reaching out of the toilet?

Again, we are not making this up.

What about the masks themselves? They're all pretty weird, but some more so than others. About half look like they were designed for furries. One's a woman's face. Another is a gimp mask. And another is a bomb. Yes, it's a bomb that you strap to your face and blow yourself up with.

The Masks

Remember the marriage we mentioned earlier? The one you have to save? Yeah, we sorta forgot to mention that the man is under a curse that makes him a child. Tatl helpfully points out the pedophilic nature of this relationship.

However, we'd have to say that the prize goes to Tingle. Fucking Tingle. He's a 35-year-old man who draws maps, floats around on a balloon, and wears tight-fitting green spandex...with red underwear on the outside. Really, just look at him. Is it any surprise he claims to be a fairy?

Tingle

Kooloo-Limpah!

Oh, yeah, or that fucking creepy moon? Face it, no matter whether you love it or hate it, you have to admit, Majora's Mask is pretty fucked up.

The Future?

It is uncertain whether Majora's Mask will ever get a remake of any sort. Sure, they bundled it with Ocarina of Time: Master Quest and slapped it on a Gamecube disk, but that doesn't really count. It has been confirmed that Ocarina of Time will get a remake for the amazing-sounding Nintendo 3DS, but nothing has been said about Majora's Mask. However, we can speculate.

Majora's Mask would probably benefit a lot from 3D. Okay, you'd have to be laying on your back, or else it would kind of look like the moon was falling up at you, but come on. Everything that was awesome about Majora's Mask would be even more awesome in 3D.

Also, if Nintendo does plan on remaking it, they'd be complete bastards to release it on any day but December 18, 2012.