The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time is an N64 masterpiece created by Shigeru Miyamoto.

And we still don't know where he puts the rest of his weapons.

Just The Facts

  1. This is the first 3D Zelda adventure.
  2. The game and all of its glory was bestowed upon Japan, North America, and Europe in late 1998.
  3. Has sold over 7.6 million copies worldwide, and has won numerous awards.
  4. This includes the "Best Game EVAR!!" awards by several video game critics.
  5. It's responsible for the sudden increase in ocarina sales.
  6. No, really.
  7. It's also responsible for the sudden increase in rabid Zelda fanboys.

In the beginning...

The story starts with our beloved hero Link being woken up by his new, annoying fairy companion...and having his world rocked. What he thought was his life is a complete sham: he is actually a Hylian and not really a Kokiri, which means he will not remain a child as originally planned. It also makes whatever chances he has of hooking up with his friend Saria seem really awkward now.

"Please don't call Chris Hansen."

He's suddenly given the responsibility of preventing world domination from some pig-like egotistical maniac by a large talking tree and a child princess.

The face of complete shock and anguish.

He ends up playing exterminator, trying to get rid of the giant spider infestation within the Great Deku Tree. This turns out to be a huge waste of time because the tree ends up dying anyways thanks to Ganondorf, who put the curse on him in the first place. But hey, at least Link gets bling and a date with a princess...except he has to sneak into the castle to go see her. So it was more like a covert operation, which would make it ten times more awesome if he didn't get kicked out so much.

When he finally gets to meet Princess Zelda, she tells him she saw him in a dream and expected his arrival. She suspects Ganondorf, who is a complete ass-kisser to the king, is actually a real asshole. He's trying to get his hands on the Triforce so he can become not just an asshole, but a MAJOR asshole...a majorly powerful one. Then she orders Link to get the other two stones.

"Well you ARE technically my bitch now."

He must do this in order to enter the Sacred Realm and claim the Triforce for himself.

Getting the Stones

So he battles giant lizards in caves...

Fire breathing + Cold-blooded = Complete dick

and battles jellyfish creatures inside a gigantic sacred whale...

Not pictured: Link, jellyfish, Pinocchio's wooden corpse

and manages to get the stones, as well as some fish tail.

Ah-ha-ha, get it!? Fish tai- ehhh whatever.

He runs back to Castle Town, only to see Ganondorf chasing down Zelda and her caretaker, Impa, on horseback. Zelda very obviously throws her ocarina into the moat in front of the town, where Link grabs it. She then uses her super-duper mental powers to telepathically send him the secret code... the correct wire to cut...the notes for the Song of Time to play on his ocarina so that he can open the door to the Sacred Realm.

So with the power of the stones and the Song of Time he manages to open the door, where the legendary Master Sword sits in its pedestal. He pulls it out, only to have happen what he was trying so hard to prevent: Ganondorf obtaining the Triforce.

"Neener neener, little wiener!"

Then Shit Got Real

Link wakes up in the magical Chamber of Sages with a creepy old guy staring at him. His name is Rauru and he tells him he's a sage, and that Link has been asleep for seven years. He's been awakened now because he is old enough to wield the Master Sword.

"No wonder my tights feel funny."

Rauru demands proposes that Link awaken the inner sage of five other people in five other temples because Ganondorf took over Hyrule and engulfed it in darkness, and they have no clue as to who they are. It takes seven to bring down the evil king. He gives him a coin, probably so he can play at the Hyrule arcade later.

The same rules apply for each temple:

  • Travel to the temples in the given location (Forest/Volcano/Lake/etc)
  • Defeat creatures messing everything up in said temple
  • Reveal to people that they are indeed sages, which not-so-coincidentally are people that Link has become close to
  • Free beer Blow job Kiss Another coin

Throughout this entire debacle he is guided every once in a while by the mysterious Sheik, who claims to be the last of the Sheikah race. But HOLY-CROSSDRESSING-ELF BATMAN! Sheik is actually none other than the seventh sage in disguise, Princess Zelda!

Why hast thou forsaken thy boobs!?

She reveals that contrary to unpopular belief, Ganondorf did not obtain the Triforce. Because his heart is unbalanced, the Triforce broke apart (we assume in a Michael-Bay-type explosion), and he only managed to get one piece of the Triforce, the Triforce of Power. The other two pieces flew away, only to end up with Zelda (Wisdom) and Link (Courage).

But suddenly, they find that Ganondorf has lured them into the Temple of Time where they are having this very long and detailed conversation. He traps Zelda in some pink jewel casing and takes her to his sweet evil floating castle/bachelor pad. Whether he had a fireplace and a bearskin rug ready is debatable. Link gets pissed and kicks Ganondorf's ass. Ganondorf screams like he's dying (because, well, he is dying) and destroys his awesome floating bachelor pad in a last ditch effort to kill the other two.

They don't die.


Ganondorf, three times as pissed now, turns into the monstrous pig-like Ganon. He gets his ass kicked yet again, with a sword to the face (and it wouldn't be the last time, that's for sure). Zelda and the other sages then give him a swift kick to the balls by weakening him with their light powers and trapping him in the Sacred Realm, where he'll never get out. Ever.

Link gets nothing from Zelda for all his trouble, except a trip back home and a return to his childhood, while she gets an entire game series named after her. Bitch.