Legends Of Zelda: Orcarina Of Time

Fuck these children who disagree. Who's beating them these days anyway?

Why do they always run?

Just The Facts

  1. Stimulating, on an intellectual and an I-really-want-to-kill-something-with-a-big-ass-sword-level.
  2. Graphics that could bring a 90's gamer or 2000's Grandparent to their knees or knee-replacements, respectively.
  3. Chivalry. Guy with sword. Riding a horse. Saving a princess. From the only non-caucasian character. Enough said.

Ocarina Of Timelessness

In my free time (which is always) I usually spend my time "prowling" (as i like to call it) around town in my big white Gaming Van (sure!). I come up to the neighborhood kids and ask them "what kinds of games do they like to play?". Of the few who dont run off screaming of dangerous strangers, they usually respond with something like "Halo" or "GTA" or "CoD". But do they recall the most famous reindeer of all? No. Most of these fuckers never heard of Ocarina of Time. Time and again it leads the pack on hundreds of Top Ten Best Games of all time lists, but do the children born into a world of SMS Textberries (or whatever) care? No. Most of these kids are so stupid they werent even ALIVE during the reign of the N64.


Well, anyway back to business. The legend of Zelda: OoT was great for many reasons. First off it got people to think (no, not like some kind of LeapFrog "entertainment" syatem)instead of just barging in, guns blazing. The Zelda staff managed to turn out one of the best combinations of Action, Puzzles (which can actually get difficult), and just a little bit of magic (wink!).

On second thought, fuck magic.

On second thought, fuck magic.

Its just that nowadays one of the bigger things to consider when buying a game like GTA or CoD is graphics. Zelda was one of the first 3-d games to appear on the scene so needless to say there wasnt much to work with. However, with the little material given, the team was able to create a jizztastic visual experience.

We would like to apologize, thats just absurd

We would like to apologize, thats just absurd.

Theres something o be said about chivalry here, when "comparing" OoT to such modern rabble (goffaw goffaw). In GTA, the eventual goal is to kill: the guy who betrayed you/every hooker in Liberty City WHILE evading the police I might add.

Did we mention chivalry ALSO kicks its fair share of ballsack?

Listen, I have no problem with thinking outside the box (the box in this case being federal law) in a videogame but I hail from a time when that wasn't necessary to complete your quest. Also, on a completely serious note, theres something incredibly masculating about having a sword duel with a fucking 6-foot tall lizard.

[not pictured: Testosterone]

All in all, Ocarina of Time was a great game. Its an adventure that can make unclogging the arteries of a giant fucking whale entertaining.

[Also not pictured: Entertainment]

The story line of Ocarina of Time, from killing plants in a big-ass tree, to fucking around underwater for hours on end to find and destroy(?) a dastardly pool of liquid, to the shit-your-pants crazy that is the Shadow Temple (the boss fucks you on a bongo drum), and even to the desert filled with psuedo-muslim harems and questionable political correctness, this game's storyline kicks shit. Or of course you could just run around in CoD killing terrorists. I leave that to you.

We do not negotiate with plants.