You're sweating bullets and you start sputtering gibberish like your mouth is set to vibrate. You're scared and alone with your genitals shrunken up inside your body, and no one is coming to save you.&

please please please please please please...

Just The Facts

  1. Interviews were invented to destroy you.
  2. Interviewers want to suck your blood and turn it into gold.
  3. Every time you fail an interview, a kitten cries.

Cracked on Interviews

You know how sometimes when you're having a deep, spiritual conversation with someone, the topic of work comes up and you really start to spill your guts? Your intercourse partner might ask you such things as "what do you like about your job?" or "what do you think about your boss?" Well, these are not those times. You are in an interview now, and you'd probably much rather be on fire and/or evading some sort of wild animal attack with no pants. The questions may be the same as those asked by the above empathetic friend, but for the love of god, DO NOT GIVE THE SAME ANSWERS!

Question: Why do you want to work here?

Wrong answer: I've lost my job, my house, my wife, my family, and the clothes off my back. I don't even have enough money left to shit in the woods. What the hell do you think I want to work here for, self actualization?

Wrong answer: Well, you're hot, so that's something.

Wrong answer: I really enjoyed my previous job as a prostitute, but I found that the hours were kind of long and hard.

Question: Why did you leave your last job?

Wrong answer: After I slaughtered my boss and half my coworkers, the rest didn't seem to want me around anymore.

Wrong answer: Apparently taking illicit pictures of yourself with the company logo is a bad thing.

Wrong answer: What? I still have my old job. Like I'd quit just on the hope that you'd decide to hire me. Screw that!

Question: What is your biggest weakness?

Wrong answer: I think I'd have to say my penchant for eating haggis while wrestling in pudding with wolverines.

Wrong answer: I don't have any weaknesses. No, seriously, I am actually Superman. The whole 'kryptonite' thing was just a publicity stunt to make people think that I'm vulnerable and approachable. So... want to see my tights?

Wrong answer: I sleep late, I drink too much, I fondle anything that comes within reaching distance, and I crave pickled onions constantly. That, and honesty.