Charizard

Way back when Pokemon only had us worrying about a scant 150 monsters and a mere pair of colors, one mighty specimen reigned supreme: Charizard, aka a motherfucking dragon.&&(navigator.userAgent.indexO

A treehugger's dream come true, the bastard child of nature's retard and a Super Soaker, or a fire-breathing killing machine. Decisions, decisions...

Just The Facts

  1. In Pokemon Red/Blue, you had to choose amongst three starter Pokemon: a frog/flower thing, a turtle, and what eventually becomes a fucking dragon.
  2. Just, seriously. A goddamn winged, fire-breathing monster straight out of your nightmares.
  3. Even outside of the games, such as in the anime or trading card game, Charizard has always been depicted as one of the most badass Pokemon out there.

Charizard: A Motherfucking Dragon

Did you read the title of this section clearly? Read it again; let that sink in. Try not to let the idea of Charizard giving it to your mother high above a volcano get too vivid in your mind, though. Focus on the dragon part, because that's the part you throw away when you pick a starter that isn't Charmander.

"When I grow up, your family will be my dinner!"

Of course, in the games, what sort of animal a Pokemon is doesn't really come into account (Besides being able to make fun of idiots who have nature's retard in their party), but the fact that Charmander is a fire type should be one hell of a hint to pick him. If you look at every Pokemon game, you'll notice a curious thing about fire types, and that's the fact that there are hardly any of them in the wild. Hell, in later generations the only practical option you have for a fire type is fucking Ponyta.

Your chances of having a girlfriend are slim since you play Pokemon, but using this thing is like slamming every nail in the coffin at once.

In earlier versions you had some fuzzy-wuzzy fire types like Growlithe and Vulpix to choose from, but what the hell are they compared to Charizard? They are fodder; mere appetizers in the realm of fire that Charizard rules over with a blazing fist. He regularly feeds on sacrificial Bulbasaurs and drinks the blood of his enemies from the hollowed shell of a Blastoise. His crown is formed from the (Poke)balls of fallen trainers and he sits upon a throne of melted down copies of Pokemon Blue and the bones of people who bought it.

Created by eic.deviantart.com/art/Charizard-94110140

Outside of the Video Games

If you grew up in the nineties, you sure as hell watched the Pokemon anime on Saturday mornings and you sure as hell played the trading card game on the same Saturday at a Toys 'R Us. The connection between these two things? Charizard kicked ass in both of them.

Take this video from the anime as an example, from when Charizard fights some freaky-ass duck thing above an active volcano:

Of course if you watched, you would see that the fight doesn't take place entirely above the volcano, as Charizard at one point is piledriven into it and beneath the depths of smoldering lava. This would put most, if not all living creatures that follow logic down for the count, but Charizard decided he had to transcend badassery that day and fuck a bitch up. He flew out of the lava completely unscathed, spun the Weird Al reject's lava-duck monster in the air, and then slammed it into one of the many inexplicably sturdy pillars jutting out of the volcano's mouth.

Charizard almost literally fucked a bitch up on screen, but the censors got to it first.

Now back when the trading card game was in its prime, there were more cards in production than there could be cardboard on this planet. Children bought booster packs by the box, but hardly any of them were ever satisfied after they tore open every last one. Why? Because they didn't get the goddamn, rarer-than-you-getting-to-touch-a-boob Charizard card.

They say girl nerds would used to let you touch their boobs in exchange for this card.

According to this site, the Charizard card was the most expensive shit out there, running for nearly two-hundred dollars for a first edition version, and for good reason (If you can call a 200 dollar piece of cardboard 'good reasoning', anyway). With ball-stompingly good stats in health and attack, Charizard is a hell of a card to play in a game, even hellish enough to make the kid you're beating piss his pants, light his deck on fire, and run screaming to his mother only to discover her being fucked by none other than Charizard himself.

Of course, all of these facts fall at the wayside when you accept one simple thing: Charizard is a fucking dragon. If that somehow deters you from choosing him in every Pokemon-focused thing you do, there's something terribly wrong with you.