The Facebook Friends We Love to Hate
It was nearly three years ago when a 'friend' on MySpace convinced me to check out Facebook. " It is sooooo cool,' he declared, "you should see how many people are on their from high school!" Now at this point I became intrigued. Being naturally inquisitive, and a bit nosey I was compelled to check this out. Never could I have foreseen the ramifications of this action.
Like any new affair, or toy, I was immediately swept up. I actually had found a way to peer into the lives of every schoolmate, ex-love, ex-coworker, current coworker, or basically just about any person I ever had a conversation with for more than 10 minutes. What bliss, what joy. It was like a class reunion without the bother of pretending to really give a shit about the small business the former prom queen is building around the latest craze in 'retro 80s t-shirts for pets'. And isn't it fitting that she has gained 80 lbs, has five kids under the age of eight, works as a cashier at Tim Horton's, and is married to a guy who they call 'Moose'?
The first few months were spent finding old acquaintances and catching up on where they are, and what they are up to now. But then I began to notice something, aside from how much time I was investing in this social network. There were patterns emerging. My 'friends' were taking on certain characteristics and behavior patterns which struck me as ... odd. Though many people carried out their online activity with an overall air of normalcy, others did not. I found myself dreading logging onto Facebook for the sheer fact that I may have to deal with the 'friends' that I had naively allowed access into my life . No longer was this merely a tool for 'reconnecting' it had morphed into something else. The socially inept now had a medium.
We all have them, those 'friends' we love to hate. Whose patterns of behavior border on pathetic, desperate, and downright disturbing. Those who make our social networking experience more of a chore than anything else. The following are some of my personal favorites.
The Collector is a Facebook user who will add every single person they have ever met, stood at a bus stop with, or perhaps locked eyes with for two seconds. They are about the numbers. They are often heard bragging about how they have 1200 friends.
The Sad Truth about the Collector
These poor, lonely, souls are often single and male. They can be found posting late Friday and Saturday nights poking incessantly every female who has ever messaged them back. When sadly, if they truly were as popular as Facebook makes them think they are, they would have a reason to put on pants and leave the house.
The Application Addict
The Apps Addict is just what the title suggests, a person who is absolutely addicted to every inane, ridiculous application, game and/or cause that they come across. The Apps Addict can be spotted by their 20 Farmville updates in your live feed. Their wall consists of nothing but updates of how they just found a brown baby calf separated from its mother, oh noes!!! Everyday you will find an application request from these morons, who were unable to locate the 'skip' button when prompted to 'invite their friends'. The only way to deal with these bleeding heart, easily amused morons is to block all their requests, or them altogether.
The Sad Truth Behind the Application Addict
The Apps Addict is typically a stay at home mom. She has nothing beyond housework to fill her days so she fills the lulls with perusing applications. She finds such quizzes as ' What 80s song are you?" to be amusing, and truly believes that if she invites enough friends, and sends enough cute, anthropomorphized garden vegetables...she is saving the rain forest. The sad truth is if she spent half as much time devoting herself to being a better mother, than her kids wouldn't turn to alcohol, drugs, sex or food to fill the ever-gaping hole inside caused by his/her emotionally uninvolved mommy.
Only if you are a female, or perhaps a gay man, have you experienced the creepiness of That Guy. He is someone whom you probably never met. He may be a friend of a friend who spends countless hours trolling through other people's friend lists for women or men who are so obviously out of his league. Or he is passing his days searching his network for attractive women. How do you know when you have encountered That Guy? It is not only the fact that you have no idea who is making the friend request, and that you have few, or no friends in common...its when you look at his profile that you know indefinitely. His friends list is compiled of 400 extremely attractive women, a majority of which are sporting bikinis, short, tight dresses, often posed to exhibit their best assets. He will also have a small peppering of actual people whom he has had contact with, outside of a masturbatory fantasies.
The Sad Truth About That Guy
Just like The Collector he is about the numbers, but in this case, he wishes to reserve bragging rights for having the most 'Hot Babes' of any guy he knows. The is compensating for his complete and utter lack of sexual attention from the opposite sex, and sees acceptance as a Facebook Friend as acceptance of being a man. That Guy may be bold enough to send an initial message, or poke, to these women, but more than likely he does not. He ascribes to the idea that his behavior will one day, fingers-crossed, get him a date with a really hot chick, with extremely low self-esteem, his ultimate fantasy.
Damn you iPhone, damn you!!!
This person is so filled with self-importance that they believe that their Facebook Friends really care to be updated of all the boring, inane, minutia in their lives (i.e Joe is going to make buttermilk pancakes....mmmm, Joe is off to another day of hard work, *sigh*, Joe just got home and is doing laundry, Joe just put the kids to bed and will now jerk off to a Miley Cyrus video while his wife is in the shower). To make matters worse, the advent of Facebook Mobile has allowed these douchebags the ability to update when they could not have before....'Fuck You Workplace Firewall, I will use my iPhone to keep everyone posted on all the happenings around me!! Hey, I feel like a burrito...yeah, I'll put that on my status!" They update their status every few hours, sometimes with mobile uploads of stupid shit, and nothing is ever newsworthy, funny, or entertaining in anyway shape or form - and isn't that the point of status updates anyways?
The Sad Truth About the Insta-Updater
They really think we care!!!
The Shameless Self-Promoter
This douchebag sees Facebook as a way to garner attention for his hobby-turned-fantasy career. Initially, you believed you were adding an old friend, or colleague. Little did you know that they had aspirations to unattainable celebrity. The Shameless Self-Promoter typically has come upon an interest later in life, such as composing and/or playing music, photography, art etc. They lack the talent and experience to truly succeed in their desired field, yet they are determined to. Their status updates typically have links to their newest endeavours. Worse case scenario, they post or message you requesting you post their creation so your friends may be exposed to it. Then you are faced with the horrific idea of your friends believing you enjoy the sound of a man playing a Casio keyboard, and singing about his children in an nightmarish voice reminiscent of Mr. Roger's, combined with that of every single pedophile who ever existed.
The Sad Truth About the Shameless Self-Promoter
If you are 30+, you will never, ever, ever, be discovered as the next Superstar DJ, or Rock God... it will not happen, surrender the fantasy... jerk! A hobby should remain just that for the 30+ aspiring musician. And an iMac and a drum machine will not catapult you to legendary DJ status.
The Incessant Chatterer
Aside from the Shameless Self-Promoter the persons I want most to punch in the throat are the Incessant Chatterers. These individuals make it nearly impossible for you to ever log onto Facebook Chat and not be bombarded. Most days I can not bring myself to log on at all, because they are always there... lurking, and within a minute...Bloop, they got you ! And no matter how many times you blow them off, they are there waiting for the next time you log on.
The Sad Truth About the Incessant Chatterer
These sad, lonely fools are desperate to connect with anyone because their reality is utterly, mind-numbingly mundane. They have chat on at work, at home, they center there universe around the hopes that someone, like YOU, will pop up and they can talk about their day, or unfortunately, flirt. It does not matter that they have a family, or work that needs to be done, these folks will drop everything to chat with YOU, yet will not pick up a FUCKING PHONE... that's too much commitment for a Facebook friend.
The Lurker/ Stalker/ iCreeper
Outside of That Guy, this is the one type of friend that truly sends shivers down my spine and makes me double-check my door locks at night. The Lurker AKA iCreeper wants to know what you're doing. He/she wants to know EVERYTHING about you. It is a daily ritual for them to look through your profile, making sure they are up-to-date on all your favourite songs on iLike, video posts, and messages from friends. How do you know you have an iCreeper?? If you are on Facebook, chances are you do. Look for people who message often, give the 'thumbs up' to your statuses or links, or ever mention something from your Facebook profile in casual conversation (a sure sign of commitment to memory).
The Sad Truth About the iCreeper
You are probably out of their league, or they are so riddled with poor self-esteem that showing approval for your status update is as risky as they can be. These socially inept individuals fantasize about their pseudo-friendship with you, which often takes on a naughtier twist after reviewing your photo albums.