How To Survive Being Buried Alive. Plus A Review.

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Just The Facts

  1. There is a Film called "Buried".
  2. People love films with one-word titles.
  3. But in actuality, being "buried" kinda sucks.

First; The Review.. of sorts


"A civil contractor working in Iraq, Paul Conroy, awakens buried alive [170,000 miles somewhere] in the desert with nothing but a candle, a knife and a cell phone. Although he suffers from amnesia as to how he got there, he soon starts to remember what has happened to him"

Fuck this movie. First;
Who the fuck goes to the trouble of burying someone only to leave them with a cell phone, a candle and a knife? McGyver? If you took the time to dig a big-ass hole in the middle of the desert under a hot sun and drag a heavy, unconscious adult male in there, with the courtesy of a nice coffin, mind you, not bare bones, -without killing or making sure he's dead, wouldn't you at least check his pockets? Not even for supplies, for maybe, money or some valuable shit? Oh, he's got a phone, better take that too. No money, but here's a candle and a knife I could use in the MIDDLE OF THE DESERT. Isn't 6 feet a standard...What fucking cell phone works in the middle of bumfuck Iraq, 6 feet under ground? My iphone 3gs doesn't even work in a goddamn basement.

-Now you have 90 minutes of air inside a coffin, and your dumbass is using a candle? What the fuck is the point of that? Is shit going to change inside of that coffin that you need to see? All you're doing is using up your oxygen by keeping that lighter on, and all the carbon dioxide you're breathing out and all the shit that is emitting from the candle burning is going into your lungs. Also, carbon dioxide. So now you've got a limited amount of oxygen and two constant and fresh supplies of lethal gas waiting to put you to sleep. Nice way to kill yourself there buddy. Hey everyone, let's light a candle, potentially guaranteeing you will not only suffocate, but treat yourself to a short, viking funeral/smoked Salmon style cooking. On top of all that, he's TALKING ON THE PHONE, thereby cutting his survivial time in half. He can't text message? If he's on a phone, does it have gps? Just leave the fucking phone on and let the people track you!! I sincerely believe that if he had a tuba down there, he'd play it for the sake of using up as much oxygen as quickly as possible. If he had balloons, he'd be making balloon animals. You DON'T HAVE TO USE THE LIGHTER AND THE CELL PHONE JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE THERE!! Here's what the tagline should have been; One man, in a very dark hole, forced to breathe in his own farts for an hour and a half, dies, naturally.

So I know by now, you must be axe-ing yourself; "what can I do if I find myself in this same totally construed and made-for-the-sake-of-saving-a-plot scenario?"

Well, you're in luck, my friend.

Because It just so happens I am about to explain, in graphic and painstaiking vagueness exactly-


1. Way to go Einstein, you're buried alive inside a coffin. What the fuck did you do this time? Man, I am not looking forward to writing the Christmas cards this year.

2. So now that you've assesed how fucked you are, take deep breaths and don't panic, or you'll hyperventilate. -An action that does not normally fall into the "good" column in any situation, let alone this one.

3. Try not to swallow a lot. [That's what HE said!]

4. Put your shirt over most of your face because the next step is getting messy. If you don't have a shirt, play the banjo, or just skip to the next step.

5. Put your arms and feet up and push with all your might using only your feet. [Your legs are always stronger] Keep the arms free. You may only get one or two shots at this, so do it like it's your last action on Earth 'cause it may very well be just that. I'm keeping your weedwacker, by the way.

6. If the coffin is made of wood and relatively cheap wood, it will crack, and mud and/or dirt/debris will come falling into the coffin. If the coffin starts to break and the dirt comes down, go to step 8. -If it is made of Thompson's signature line of In-D-Structo caskets, and therefore doesn't break, go to step 7.

7. Repent sins because you're in a high-quality wooden casket or metal casket, etc and you're dead. [Thompson's. If you can find a sturdier casket, you go die in it.] -So Don't worry about the other steps or that you left the oven on, it doesn't matter now where you're going.

8. As the dirt/debris falls, use your legs to stomp and compress it to the bottom of the casket. Do this as long as you can while keeping your hands out and ready to help filter wood and debris to the base. Moaning like a bitch helps too. If no musical soundtrack is readily available, farting in the key of G or F Minor will suffice. Flatulent Humor; overcoming age boundries since 1932.

9. If you're lucky, the dirt will eventually stop coming down at a significant rate and it should be loose enough for you to start punching and clawing your way to the surface, much like you do at the DMV. Fuck splinters, worms and other hazards, you'll heal. Calm yourself, take a few breaths, then one last giant gulp and get the fuck out of there, r-tard. Stand as soon as you can and move your feet like you're walking up the world's steepest stairs, one over the other like a cartoon character who just realized he was floating in mid-air over a ravine but hasn't fallen yet. This is it. You're either going to make it to the surface or end up on's Bi-Weekly Caption a Dead Guy who Failed Miserably, but at least Croaked in a Humorous Pose for us to Laugh at Contest.

So there.

-Note that the quicker you try to escape, the better.

Don't try to conserve your energy or some shit like that. You're not going anywhere and no one's coming to save you. With your limited oxygen, you'll either die waiting like a dickhead or die trying to escape, so you might as well go for the gusto. As soon as you realize you are buried alive, get crackin. The fresher the grave, the looser the dirt.

Now you can someday say that I saved your life!

You're fucking welcome.