The Cracked Staff is like the bastard child of the pope, the entire Marvel Comics arsenal, and Dame Helen Mirren.
There are seven full time columnists on the Cracked staff, whose complex personalities and versatile writing styles have garnered them tens of thousands of fans. They will now be summarized in a few brief sentences.
The only man known to have gotten into fisticuffs with words and won, Brockway is a true inspiration to friend and foe alike. He has been frequently referred to as a "great writer," and "Cracked's resident sadistic hillbilly assfiend", and has helpful, violent guides to everything from getting a screenplay read(through violence!) to keeping children amused with fanciful, (drug fueled!) adventures. Also, mustache.
Discharging every tuesday for your pleasure and/or horror, Bucholz has scored candid interviews with dozens of top name celebrities. He got Nicolas Cage to give great investment advice (spoiler alert: Just be Nicolas Cage!) and confronted the John Mayers about being too candid (double spoiler alert: he wants to dick slap puppies!). He also wrote an article about Twilight or something, but, seriously, fuck those guys.
Known by his handle Dr. Mister Cody, his columns page is riddled with satire and pictures of his beard that could make a grown man...weep? Laugh? Question his values on society? Whichever one it is, each game helping squad or misguided guide to social networking is sure to please...(unless you're a commener). You can check out most of his stuff in the videos section. Oh, and he might like Lost, we're not sure though.
Ian Fortey is the newest Cracked columnist with undoubtedly the most kick-ass header image. He began as a lowly Purveyor of Dick Jokes then, after successfully getting over fifty articles published and his own goddamn topic page, he was chosen by the dong of destiny to join the Cracked Columnist Staff. No, just kidding, the real story is classified. Now, we can't officially say that he had to find and harvest the souls of the Yetti, Loch Ness Monster, and a Playboy Bunny who is also obsessed with Star Trek to become a columnist, but we are saying that he did. He totally did.
More commonly known as DOB, O'brien's clever balance of alcoholism and wit has the masses caught between fits of laughters and organizing interventions. He has commented on such relevant topics astwitter, Miley Cyrus, and sex robots. His exposes on the sordid underworlds of all things porn, alcohol, and tween related have earned him a spot as a true renaissance man. And by renaissance we mean the drunk jester who harasses people at traveling faires.
After arduously glancing at his columnist page, running a quick google search, then napping, it becomes evident that Seanbaby's true identity is a mystery. Possibly because he is a super hero who uses his massive dong to clean up the sordid underbelly of Gotham one night at a time, or could it be because he's written articles such as Is It Gay or Is It Maxim and WWII Most Unintentionally Gay Fighting Manual? We're going to have to go with the second one.
Michael Swaim has a Cracked column, hosts Cracked TV, and fights imaginary crime with Daniel O'brien (or whatever.) A complex robot sent from the future to destroy mankind through witty acronyms, we have to assume his jokes are just an attempt to lull us into a false sense of security before the uprising. Well, if a video look at 6 Creative Ways to Ruin Your Wedding will lead to our doom we don't want to be right.
The host of the belovedly bitter Hate By Numbers (and possible reincarnation of Franz Kafka), Gladstone gives all of us a healthy outlet for our hate. At least, since his series started we've noticed a serious decline in broken needles and abandoned fetuses around the office. At 40,30?somethingwhatever years of age, Gladstone can help you keep up on all the latest trends with his helpful, fatherly guides. Just check out these wholesome ones on Lindsay Lohan, and Sexting! On second thought...maybe you should navigate away right now before you end up on an FBI list.
There are four editors on the Cracked Staff. They are
A sexy, sexy, pseudonym, David Wong is the editor of Cracked.com and previously served as webmaster, editor, and supreme overlord for pointlesswasteoftime.com Now, just because he's the editor doesn't mean we're going to construe facts and make up lies to flatter him. We have integrity. We also, however, think its important to mention that his humor single-handedly ended the Cold War while his dazzling eyes distracted the Nazis long enough for troops to storm Normandy. Also, he has a huge penis. Oh, and he wrote a book. (But seriously, its huge.)
Of no relation to the aforementioned DOB, Jack O'brien is the Editor in Chief of Cracked.com. While his avatar is of a smiling man full of life, Agents of Cracked has assured us the true JOB is comprised of nothing but shadows, dick jokes, and the anguished cries of children. Besides making people's subpar articles into things of Cracked gold, he's found time to comment on superpowers and Christopher Walken's iPod. You know, the essentials in life.
There are numerous Cracked Video contributors, however the main ones are:
To check out all the videos we've left out in our morphine and hooker induced haze, check the videos section.
Yes, that's right reader! You are an important part of the retarded, dick joke monster that is Cracked. Lets look at some of your notable contributions:
-"That does it. I've lost all faith in humanity. It's the end."
-"Your conclusions about the feasability of some of these creatures is truly ignorant. I realize your intention is to entertain, but you're honestly just pissing me off. The sarlacc, for example, has a very real earth-bound cousin -- the ant lion. It waits, as the sarlacc does, in a pit until an ant or other small insect stumbles into it. It's sedentary nature and invetive predatory style allows it to thrive. And if 25 foot mammals like King Kong are so damned impossible, please kindly explain away any of the massive species of dinosaur estimated to have weighed twice as much."
-"Why do you like even try?"
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