Hagrid

Rubeus Hagrid is a character from Harry Potter. He is Harry's friend, despite being at fault for many times when Harry nearly died. We'll take him. After all, he was bad-ass enough to get expelled from Hogwarts and keep his wand in a pink umbrella.

What a man.

Just The Facts

  1. Hagrid is half giant, half human. How a giant and a human managed to have sex is not explained.
  2. Hagrid nurses a most-likely unhealthy enthusiasm for wild, magical (and frequently deadly and/or illegal) animals.
  3. He is the Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts, which seems like one of those insignificant jobs you give tiny children to make them feel like they're helping you.

Family Life

Hagrid had that picture-perfect childhood that every kid dreams of: a giantess mother named Fridwulfa (lovely, lovely name) and a tiny, human father (possibly that guy from Lost with the long curly hair. He totally looks like that guy!) that he could lift up and place on the dresser on those occasions when he got annoyed. However, Fridwulfa abandoned them both by the time Hagrid was three, and the only family photo described in the book is one of Hagrid at age eleven, with his father happily perching on his shoulder like a freaking bird.

Hagrid had one half-brother named Grawp, who is a giant bullying-victim who's made fun of for being smaller than normal by the other giants.

"Hermy! Where Hagger!"

Hermy! Where Hagger?!

Grawp is also utterly retarded.

Role in the Plot

Hagrid was the first inkling of the existence of the wizarding world that Harry Potter ever got. He had no idea he was the most famous wizard in England until an obese, half-giant wearing a trench coat burst through the door and offered him a flattened cake.

He sat on it. Charming.

So basically, he brought Harry into the wizarding world.

After that, nobody really wants to think too much about his role in the book, as it is too minor and too pedophilic.

Steamy Love Life

Don't pretend you weren't always a tiny bit concerned about Hagrid's intentions when it comes to Harry. All the flattery, all the secret late-night visits in Hagrid's hut...

And if Hagrid wasn't into Harry, the next guess was always that him and Dumbledore once had a little "thing" goin' on. Hagrid was so damn defensive about Dumbledore. He idolized the man.

Awwwwwwww

However, in Harry's fourth year when the Triwizard Tournament brings to Hogwarts Olympe, a half-giant woman travelling with one of the participating schools, Hagrid displays affections towards someone outside of his relationship with Harry. He was totally, totally banging Mme. Olympe Maxime.

Which is the hotter couple? This will be a debate plaguing our generation for years to come.

Rabid Fans

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The fan page for Hagrid on facebook has 91 fans.

Next to Harry Potter's 1.5 million.