Internet Porn
Historians have referred to Internet Porn not only as one of the most important advancements of the technological era, but also "sooooo awesome".
Just The Facts
- According to estimates, Internet Porn takes up roughly half of both the Internet and your free time
- Chances are (if you're a dude, that is), you have another Firefox tab open with a porn site loaded
- You aren't reading this fact because you have now clicked over to the porn tab
- Hello? You listening, man? We're tryin- fuck it, we'll move on without you.
Internet Porn: Advancing Mankind
Internet Porn is, and will remain, the most popular and important outlet the Internet has. Popularity is a given; whenever naked ladies are attached to something, that something becomes much, much cooler. Back in 1995, the Internet was seen as sort of a fashion accessory to this whole "computing" jibber jabber. Enter the arrival of Internet Porn, and the Internet is now hailed as one of the greatest technological achievements of all time. Basically, Internet Porn aids the advancement of human knowledge and science.
Pictured: Science
However, one must make the careful distinction between traditional porn and Internet Porn. Granted, traditional porn exists on the Internet and is very popular, but there are key differences. Traditional porn is shot at a studio, with professional pornstars and with goofy titles like "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ass Cabin" and "Face Invaders". That's traditional porn, the porn we know and love.
Then, there is the specific realm of Internet Porn. Internet Porn is the dark, creepy corner of pornography that could only flourish on a community like the Internet. Internet Porn is primarily amateurish, shot with a webcam, spawns mainly from Japan, and generally features way too many fetishes.
A Matter of Degree
Like other "creative" aspects of the human condition, Net Porn comes packaged with enough different types, genres and fluids to keep the Everyman busy in his basement till the God damned Rapture. It may seem all overwhelming, but luckily we here at Cracked have stripped down Net Porn (eh? eh?) into three all inclusive subsets that we feel do a fair job in covering all corners of the flesh colored spectrum.
Type 1: "Tame" Porn
By "tame", we dont mean that one video you "accidentally" watched with the dog kennel role play. No, we mean porn that doesn't take any risks, plays it by the rules and seems to have been around forever. Tame porn appeals to the "average everyday" kinda guy. No frills, no thrills, just two (or more... or less) grossly overpaid pornstars turning in a reliable performance.
"I think I see your problem, girls. You have a severe lack of hap-penis in these pipes!"
Of interest, however, is the diverse variety of settings that tame porn can be set in: Bedrooms, kitchens, pools, daycare centers, or in the back of a moving pickup truck. It is the type of porn that is always there, knowing that you'll tune in some time or another.
It will never go away
It's not particularly sexier than any other sort of porn, it's just kinda "neutral". However, let's not try to demonize this quiet little kitty kat. While it may be ere on the side of "boring and uninteresting", this is still porn we're talking about here. Allow us to demonstrate how this is still a very good thing:
Ann Angel, who you noticed plays Mario 64 while wearing a Smurfette t-shirt. We'll give you a ten minute break.
Type 2: "Cheap" Porn
While tame porn tends to be nothing more than glorfied Playboy pics that you get through the flashy math box, it usually has a bit of cash backing it up. This means that someone is paying for it, and they usually like to keep it all within whatever loose standards they have. Cheap porn however has almost no money involved in its production, and therefore takes a shotgun blast to anything resembleing standards.
We'd give you some pictures to illustrate, but we're actually starting to dip into the stuff that are causing the editors to shake thier heads in exageratted disgust at us. So, enjoy some pictures of kittens instead.
Just imagine this as the world's more ironic orgy.
Commonly mislabeled as amateur porn, Cheap Porn is the kind of shit that spawns from drunken frat parties and mislead Mardi Gras party girls. More often than not, those involved are barely aware that a camera is present, let alone a room full of cheering drunks.
No coherent meaning is really necessary; the only logic needed is Rod A enters Slot B (or C...or Z) multiple times until the desired result is gained. Dialogue consists of nothing more than slanted moans, gurgled yelps and confused inquiries, such as "Whats happening?" and "Why is it so small?"
Look at em! In their tiny cups! EEEEEE!
Type 3: "Holy Fuckballs" Porn
The label for this type also doubles as the title for a vid we found involving two nuns, ping pong and the worlds most questionably qualified cable repair man. So now that we have that the stuff of children's nightmares brewing inside your cranium, allow us now to turn the horror nob to 11 for your viewing pleasure.
You're welcome
This is the type of porn that has evolved to the status of legend. You know it exists, but you can only view it through that small crack in your daily need to remain sane. That and further viewing requires a monthly payment plan. Only on the Internet can you find pics of girl-on-emu action along with vids (oh...the vids....) of several other interspecies/incestual/urinating/defecating/vomiting/leather whipping/feet sucking/farmer and daugher walk into a barn with a German named Klaus and some kind of 19th century organ harvesting machine.
Whoa.....holy shit......
Ugh....so.......unclean.....
Hold on, we need to go cry into a bottle of Jack for about an hour.
Please....make the bad pictures go away.......
You have to wonder what kind of just jolly old folks produce this kind of shit. Think about it: Somewhere, a group of people came together, and used those highly advanced brains, the ones that put us so far apart from the shit flinging monkeys in the trees, to come up with something so outlandish and utterly mortifying that it would even make those demon fetishists from Hellraiser cringe with unholy disgust.
Can she....can it fit in there?.....it dosent...oh god....OH GOD!!!
We suppose what most erodes our faith in the future of mankind isnt the fact that someone managed to film and then edit these collages of the worst of humanity without promptly taking a .45 blast to their temple immediately afterwards.
In all truth, it's the fact there are people out there, right now, in our cities, in our neighborhoods, probably right next door to your house, not only watching that Two Girls One Cup video, but also masturbating to it.
Furiously.
Follow the co-author of this topic on Twitter: @alexfurlin
I find it interesting that, both here and in other articles, Cracked staff seem to be solely familiar with video porn. They never even mention hentai, let alone porn in text formats.
ReplyI think hentai goes under the "holy fuckballs" category.
"Just imagine this as the world's more ironic orgy."
ReplySo f*****g CUTE!
I've masturbated to worse.
ReplyThis is a cool article. Or at least, I think it is. I didn't actually read it. I was too busy watching gay men spanking each other. Mmmmmm.
ReplyI just feel bad for the people watching their porn with Firefox. Guys, Google Chrome Incognito is your best friend.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI concur.
Firefox has a private mode too. It's called "Start Private Browsing." Firefox is a cool enough name, we don't need any more names for anything.
Wrong.
Firefox private browsing,
Ctrl Shift P
Delete history
Ctrl Alt Delete
Thank goodness many sites are kind enough to segregate the...ahem...less mainstream material into areas away from the slightly more 'normal' pieces. That way you will never have to fret that you may be masturbating to a cleverly disguised man...unless you're looking to do that, of course.
ReplyNot that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that, in general, when I'm watching porn is one of those times I don't like to be surprised. If a title proclaims that the video is "leela gets banged", I know to expect some chick getting banged, with the only unknown being whether or not her name is actually leela. You already know what positions are going down, because they're the same only shuffled up in every single time.
Now, if in a video is labeled "Leela gets banged", and instead it contains some chick getting butt fucked by three black poolboys while two dudes playing her gay adoptive parents watch, I would probably be a lot less comfortable clicking on videos willy nilly. I can know that no matter how horrible the camera man is, or how much of the video is taken up with horrible super-closeups of the actors' genitalia or undershots of the dudes hairy ass, at least there's no unpleasant surprises...other than the before mentioned horrible shots or bored cameramen with ADD ruining the video, but one can always expect that as a possibility.
But thats Mario Galaxy, not 64...
Replywow!!!!!!! your the first one to notice that for a whole 10 comments!!! your awesome.
personally, I work my way up from #1 to #3
ReplyFURIOUSLY!
ReplyIs it sad that I spent an hour looking for this article because I couldn't remember Ann Angel's name?
Reply Hide All See All 5 Repliesmethinks so, its not even her real name, get a girlfriend and have REAL sex
@steezy NEVER!
7 months later i change my mind, woman are bitches, im gonna stick to my hand for now on. at least it doesn't bleed from the crotch and get really emotional every month
You're hand has a crotch?
How's it like being 12, edgy420?
The graphics for this article sucked. That is saying something because this is a very graphics based article.
ReplyNot only should common sense have told you that they can't do many graphics on an article about pornography, but they actually mentioned it in the article. Dumbass.
i couldnt even get pics and stuff to display
Japanese enema races fall into the last category..... look it up if you muster up the nuts to do so
Replyno sir, no i will not. because i am to afraid.
You think that's sick porn you should see what happens in those European sex MMORPG like worlds. like second-life and red-light. 0_o OMG
Replyi am sure it has been mentioned, but i will be damned if i am going to look at all the comments, that is not super mario 64 it is super mario galaxy. Nintendo sure has come a long way in 10 years haven't they?
Replyand you know that how?
@secseanz Mario 64 has a completely different HUD.
Excuse me but that is no mario 64 that is super mario galaxy 2. geez cracked i thought you prided yourselves on getting the facts straight
ReplyI f*****g hate you.
F**ck You NERD!
This time I took a double take of those kittens. To cleanse my soul a little...
Reply"Ann Angel, who you noticed plays Mario 64"
ReplyTruth: I never noticed the Mario 64 until I forced myself to not look at Ann
Wait, mario 64 was on the TV? Damn, not sure how I missed it.
There was a TV?
There is always a line to be crossed, and a misguided, confused soul to cross the line.
Replywe need to destroy that third category, IMMEDIATELY!!!
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesWE NEED TO KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!
no. we need to combine the 2nd and third category, then sickos can get their fix cheap and will be so busy that we normal folks can take over the world.
I nominate Glagnar for president of the internet. All in agreement say say Aye.
My eyes, my eyes!!!!! Does that count?
umm ok i know that you are probably straight, and so are a lot of you're reader's. however, even you can't ignore all the gay porn on the net. and i'm not just talking about lesbian porn, as i'm sure plenty of you make time for that. you could've had plenty of satiracal material from that as well. but w/e this is still funny so i digress.
Reply