Gamers

Gamers are like people...but with computers!

Just The Facts

  1. Despite video games being a colossal and exponentially growing worldwide market worth approxamately the GDP of Belgium, gamers are still viewed as on the same level of the social heirarchy as people who piss in swimming pools.
  2. If you play video games you ARE fat, ginger, socially dysfunctional, malodorous and live off a diet of Doritos and Mountain Dew. You sicken other people, all 180 million of you freaks in the USA
  3. Also, no one likes you. Did we mention that?

The Main Categories of Gamers

The EverNoob

You know that kid in school who everyone always bullied because he just couldn't do anything right? The one teachers tried to be supportive of, but became exasperated when they learnt he just couldn't do anything right at all? The one who shat his pants when put under pressure in gym class then pretended he did it on purpose and so backed himself into a position where he had to shit himself to save face in every gym lesson for the next ten years? If you feel the clammy hands of repressed memories clawing at the base of your brain right now, this kid was probably you. Anyway, know he plays games instead of working and he sucks at that too.

Most likely to be heard saying: "I am a failure as a man and will never amount to anything"

The Retro Nerd

The Retro Nerd can't help but compare everything to the SNES or whatever other archaic gaming system he claims to have grown up on, and modern games all seem worthy of criticism through his rose-tinted goggles. Fuck HDR lighting and vertical synchronisation. Fuck advanced AIs and tactical, intelligent gameplay. And the fact he was born in 1994, when the SNES was already fast becoming redundant? Fuck that, too

Most likely to be heard saying: "Man, games were so much better when I used to play them on my SNES. In my mother's swollen uterus."

The Girl

Sometimes, when a boy is born, a strange thing happens that causes the penis to go inwards rather than out. Obviously as a Cracked reader you have little contact with these creatures other than fawning after one you might think will get her boobies out on the internet and the occasional update on your restraining order. However they do exist and some even play games! Video games!

Most likely to be heard saying; "Please leave me alone, I'm only 14 and I don't even know what one of those is yet."

The EverNoob

You know that kid in school who everyone always bullied because he just couldn't do anything right? The one teachers tried to be supportive of, but became exasperated when they learnt he just couldn't do anything right at all? The one who shat his pants when put under pressure in gym class then pretended he did it on purpose and so backed himself into a position where he had to shit himself to save face in every gym lesson for the next ten years? If you feel the clammy hands of repressed memories clawing at the base of your brain right now, this kid was probably you. Anyway, know he plays games instead of working and he sucks at that too.

Most likely to be heard saying: "I am a failure as a man and will never amount to anything"

The Ordinary Person:

Did you really think this entire article would be propagation of an unkind stereotype of gamers? On Cracked? We're shocked you'd expect that of us. Cracked is a high quality online magazine, bringing you nothing but the truth, with a sprinkling of pure comedy gold. Think of us a kindly elder, teaching you everything you know about the world and the many dick jokes that can be found upon it. We happily acknowledge that the vast majority of gamers are just ordinary people looking for release.

Not really; we think they're nerds and when we see them we steal their lunch money.

In-Game Conversation

A very wise man once said that sarcasm was the lowest form of wit, but clearly he was living in a time before the invention of online games and the beautiful bottom-of -the-barrel scrapings of humanity that comes with it. A typical in-game conversation is less witty banter and more apes throwing shit at each other.

Example

n00bpwnzer1337: OMG you cheater you must be noobfag

Bitchhump69: I cheated with your mom

N00bpwnzer1337: well your mom is a fag

Bitchhumper69: I fagged your mom, and then she said it was you that's a fag

N00bpwnzer1337:*backed into a corner* I think you're talking about yourself again!!

ZING! At this point, n00bpwnzer69 realises that he has just riposted with the worst comeback anyone has ever made ever, in the entire history of everything. In modern political terms, this response is the equivalent of the USA retaliating to a North Korean missile attack on New York by pooing in South Koreas eggcup at breakfast. It is a comeback so bad that he flees the country with shame upon reading it. Sadly, he is destroyed by explosive harpoons off the coast of Finland when a group of fisherman mistake him for a minke whale, a fate that all to often falls upon dedicated gamers