Geek Food

The various forms of sustenance that get us through those long hours of video games, card-playing, DnDing, reading scifi/fantasy novels, and arguing on the internet.&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trid

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Just The Facts

  1. Despite embracing the future and being at least half robot, geeks still require human sustenance.
  2. This can take a plethora of forms, from the dry snack to the wet snack to the moist snack.
  3. In regards to geek cooking, having a microwave is more important than whatever your ingredients are.

THE FUNDAMENTALS

Chances are that you yourself are some kind of geek, considering the way you drunkenly stumbled in here, quoting Futurama and throwing hentai all about the place. But for those of you safely in the snuggie of "social networking" for your primary internet use, these are some of the tell-tale crumbs of the adult geek.

No geek kitchen is complete without some oh-so-very-essential essentials. Ramen noodles, a selection of sugary cereals, all the local takeaway menus, and a wide variety of microwavable food are at the top of the list. We're talking wide like the smile of that exotic dancer telling you she's just putting herself through med school, that you're the only one who can help her because you're just so strong and intelligent, not like those other guys...

Fuck you, Angelique.

Favourite imbibable beverages (geekin' it thesaurus style, holla) include, but are not limited to, Mountain Dew, all alcohol, and any caffeinated drink.

We're kind of crazy for that caffeine.

We basically get a raging rubbery one for that old trimethylxanthine, and consume it by the bucketload in all of it's wondrous forms. The only thing we might love more than caffeine is snacks.

FOR SPEEDY REPLENISHMENT OF NOURISHMENT

Though technically, 87.6% of nerd nourishment can be classified under the junk food heading, we're talking here in terms of grabbable, non-effort foods. Ramen noodles at the very least need boiling water added to them. Unless you're that weird guy who eats the dry noodles pre-water and saves the flavouring for another day.

Leave dry noodles alone!

Dreaming of the day our robot underling minions (roberions) will serve us space food (spood) on hovering trays (hovering trays) at the snap of a finger, right now we have to settle for our raging hunger to be sated with bags of salty, messy, bite-sized foodstuffs that we have to get our fucking selves.

Lies. God damn lies.

Basically, anything that comes in a big dayglo bag is a win. Crisps, chips, pretzelz, the contortion of edible substances into un-natural un-Godly shapes, it's all so very very good. Also, Cheetos.

QUIRKY SHIT WE FALL FOR EVERY TIME

Due to the hours spent honing our skills and instincts as internet-dwelling geekpeople, we are, for example, able to run around as a Level 1000 Paladin Warlord with FantasticoWonderArmour Level A Billion, intently focused on the job at hand. However, in our day to day lives, as a people, we're very easily distracted.

It might be to do with that constant intake of caffeine we talked about.

And the food companies know this. They also know we have a very hazy line between hating something with a passion, while simultaneously needing to own said something. We could examine something like those wolf t-shirts, but let us here take the foodie example of miniature pizzas.

The Norm: "Tiny pizza!? That's so fucking stupid! When the hell am I going to want the exact taste of a normal, human-sized pizza, but with less of the actual food...?"

The Geek: "Tiny pizza!? That's so fucking stupid... Or is it so stupid that it's awesome...? Conclusion: I must own it."

Anything bigger or smaller or slightly/a lot quirkier than how it usually comes will make us squee like the adult-children we've grown up to become. Especially if it appeals to our geeky sensibilities.

Yeah, fuck your regular soda. I'm drinking mother-fucking wizard juice.

ALSO, EVERYTHING IN THE PAST WAS BETTER THAN NOW

Another kind of food that makes us crap our pants with happiness- ohpleasemomnottheclosetagain - are any of the candies or sweets we remember from our sugar-filled childhoods. You know, before all this healthy eating shit came into mode. Or fashion. What are you fuckers calling it now? And what happened to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Are the Power Rangers in space now!? WHAT HAPPENED TO POP ROCKS!?

God, I miss them. I miss them in my soul.

We enjoyed puffed multi-coloured rice topped with sugar, explody popping candy, edible paper with a plain sherbet filling... You know what sherbet is? The main ingredient is sodium bicarbonate! Delicious!

I give you Hutber's Law; "Improvement means deterioration." Although the "food" we remember was coloured with a thousand shimmering chemicals, it still beats ten kinds of crap out of some of the weird juicy squishy whateverthatis they're trying to get kids to go for nowadays.

What the fuck is an orange?

At least in our geek dotage we can still pick up some Pocky from the store and claim to our friends that it's "not sweets, see right here, it says MAN. That's a MAN snack right there." Pocky has a crazy buttload of flavours, each more bound in Japanese nerd-glory than the last.

Still. I can't even taste the sodium bicarbonate.

THE COOKERY GEEK

And for those of you huffing and puffing about stereotypes and geeks and how you never conform to boxes and you love cooking so I should go look in a mirror or whatever it is you're saying, well, for starters you should probably check to see if you've still got those pesky testicles. And then you should stop talking, read this, and then tell me if you're sure you love cooking as much as these folks do.

Geekdom, as we well know, is classified by passion for a thing that the average person may believe borders on the weird and obsessive. And while the general populous may take the common consensus of "geek" to mean all those teenage activities like sitting around with your friends discussing the finer points of whatever Joss Whedon has come out with lately, or playing WoW for days on end...

Oh. Right. We do that.

The food geek has the damn luck to be able to roll a 20 and potentially make a career out of their geekery. You can't tell me these foodstuffs weren't painstakingly constructed down to the finest detail by anyone other than food geeks.

If you don't know what that is then you were born too late. I'm sorry.

A wise and benevolent cookie.

That's a freaking wedding cake. Almost makes it worth it.

FUTURE FOOD

As mentioned before, we also get pretty squeaky over the idea of spood. (Space food for those of you only looking at the pretty pictures.) Space food is cool in theory, relying only on convenient tablets or goo packets to replenish vital energies. None of those awkward mouth-speaky mealtimes any more, just a suck of the food-tube for a second, and then it's back to space wanking!

First pic if you google space wank. Well, not quite the first image. That's a dude with his cock out.

However, we realise that the actuality of it would suck. Let's face it, while food in pill form sounds all awesome and Matrixy, there's that whole never-eating-bacon-again-thing to contend with, and I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to go there yet.

Shhh, bacon. It's okay, it's okay...

Besides, nothing NASA is working on (cause you know they've already got the Soylent Green plan on standby) can compare to the thrill of our own exciting experiments on the cutting gravy-soaked edge of food-combination. You know what we're talking about.

We're treading the path of discovery with such creative, beautiful innovations as:

Chocolate bar + Deep Fat Frying

Lego + jelly gummy sweets

Pizza + Burrito

That's the future, friends. The tasty, drunken future.