Milla Jovovich

Milla Jovovich is known for starring in violent, nudity-driven sci-fi movies, performing her own stunts and injuring other cast members in the process. It can be hard to tell if what you're watching is a Milla Jovovich movie, but there are clues:

Just The Facts

  1. Milla Jovovich is a Ukraine-born actor who emigrated to the USA when she was nine.
  2. Despite speaking flawless, unaccented English, her surname ensures that she is usually hired to say things like "Leeloo Dallas multipass" or "Stay the hkell away frrrom Derrrek Zoolanderrr."
  3. She could kill you five different ways with both hands tied behind her back. And three with her knees tied together.

Martial arts

Jovovich is trained in Wu Shu, Kung Fu, Tae Kwan Do, Brazilian Ju Jitsu, and kick-boxing's little-known cousin, "Thigh-Boxing". On-set, she spends most of her time dangling from wires, accidentally stabbing stunt-people, and asking passers-by if they want something.

"Nothing, Ms Jovovich! I swear!"

Jovovich's action-star career took off after she played the lead in a series of films loosely based on the Resident Evil games, and even more loosely based on Alice in Wonderland. (No-one noticed that second part, on account of fast-forwarding anything that didn't feature zombies or boobs.)

Double whammy. No, wait . . . quadruple whammy.

The first film had a budget of only $33 million, and after $32.999 million of that was spent on canned spaghetti and cocaine, the director decided to save money by casting producer Jeremy Bolt as a zombie. In fact, as several zombies. Okay, like, half the zombies in the movie. As a result, Bolt was repeatedly punched in the face by Jovovich, who insisted that "fake punching looks fake." And rightly so - Bolt's look of surprise added a dimension of realism not seen in any zombie movie before or since.

Actual footage of Bolt's noble sacrifice.

According to the DVD commentary, the film-makers were also criticised by James Purefoy's agent after Jovovich hit Purefoy with an axe:


We cannot stress enough how much we are not making this up.

Business model

Unlike most Hollywood starlets, Jovovich would rather be in ten artistically challenging films than one commercially motivated one. While noble, this view sometimes leads to her presence in movies that would make Jean-Claude Van-Damme blush.

Making this movie good = artistic challenge

She gets away with this "fuck it, I'll be in that" attitude because her wages are actually paid by L'Oreal, who don't care if she's in terrible movies, as long as she's hot in those movies. Also, she gets away with it because anyone who suggests she might want appear in something financially viable (a plucky romantic comedy, say) gets the Jeremy Bolt treatment.

"Can we cut? I think I swallowed my nose."

Music

Jovovich is also a singer/songwriter/guitarist, making her the closest thing to a rennaissance man since da Vinci hung up his mad-scientist hat. In 1994, she released her first and last studio album, entitled The Divine Comedy. Far from the bland, overproduced "music to do your taxes by" drivel that actors-turned-singers usually hack up, The Divine Comedy was a bizarre folk-rock extravaganza featuring fiddles, mandolins, dulcimers, harmoniums and hurdy-gurdies (the last of which sound about as good as they look - that is to say, they sound like a hummingbird trapped in a box full of nails).

Meet the hurdy-gurdy. Also called the "wheel fiddle" and the "woodshop catastrophe."

The album was financially successful and well-regarded by critics; Rolling Stone described Jovovich as "a natural poet and melodist (with) the burning intelligence of an artist." So the lack of a follow-up album is a mystery. Perhaps, having mastered a singing/songwriting/guitaring, Jovovich simply got bored. Or perhaps her support musicians got sick of being beaten over the head with hurdy-gurdies. Who can say for sure?

Personal life

In 1998, a 22-year old Jovovich married Luc Besson, writer of The Fifth Element, The Transporter and several other movies which feature men who own cars having sex with younger women. Coincidentally, Besson owned a car and was 16 years older than Jovovich. They divorced when she realised that he wasn't a charming, old-fashioned romantic - in fact, he just had a French accent.

"Oh well, plenty more poisson in the océan."

In 2007, Jovovich gave birth to Ever Gabo Anderson, the child of Paul W.S. Anderson (director of Event Horizon, Alien Vs. Predator and Mortal Kombat, as well as many other awesomely violent films.) Ever Gabo's first words came a record-breaking eight seconds after birth: 'Flawless victory.' (Citation needed.)

Costumes

Jovovich is also a fashion designer, and sometimes creates her own costumes. They range from "a bit skimpy" to "what costume?" Unlike Scarlett Johansen, who never appears nude, or Carmen Electra, who's long since devalued the currency, Jovovich has found the sweet-spot that keeps people paying to see you: show all your bits, but so fleetingly that only The Flash could whack off to it.

Pictured: Wally West whacks his willy.

If that's not artistic integrity, then we don't know what is.