Valentine's Day
Ah, Valentine's Day. Love is in the air, but what do the two sexes really want from this romantic day? Thanks to the scientific art of making sweeping generalizations and handy old school Excel graphs, we found out!
Just The Facts
- Valentine's Day is the Christian Holiday honoring Saint Valentine.
- Saint Valentine is most noted for having died a horrific, bloody death.
- Valentine's Day is the national holiday that honors humping.
St. Valentine: Martyrs of Mystery... And Sweet Lovemaking
Legends differ about who exactly St. Valentine's Day is named after. It is a general consensus that the day honors a number of Valentines. One of these, St. Valentine of Rome, was a priest who was martyred. Another, Valentine of Terni, was a bishop who was martyred. There is possibly another Valentine who was, you guessed it, martyred. Amidst all this murder, it should come as no surprise that the day is celebrated with mass quantities of boning.
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After all this you may still be asking, "Okay, so some religious Valentines got whacked. When does the sweet, sweet lovemaking come in?" Well, isn't it obvious?
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I Want Your Sex ... And Flowers ... And Jewelry ...
Many people deride Valentine's Day as a "Hallmark Holiday," implying that it was created and encouraged by greeting card companies because we totally didn't just have Christmas two months ago. But Valentine's Day is much more than that. You think you can get off with just a card? Ladies expect to get a thoughtful, romantic gift (stuffed bears holding hearts that read "I Love You Beary Much" fit the bill nicely). Guys are expected to buy jewelry (better be expensive- not the cheap stuff), flowers (how else can you spend $30 to watch something die over the course of a few days?), and top it off with a nice dinner (would it KILL you to suit up once in a while?). Chocolates in one of those giant cardboard heart boxes would be nice, too. Then it's time for chocolate roulette, as you risk life and limb to see if you end up with one of the delicious/edible/not poison chocolates in the minefield of cocoa.
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Crikey! Everybody Hates You!
So you didn't get a tissue-box full of cardboard cards that suggest that the Crocodile Hunter thinks "you're a beaut"? If you don't have a significant other or are the fat kid in Elementary School, Valentine's Day can be the most depressing day of the year. It can seem like a celebration of your opposite-sex ineptitude.
But lo! All is not lost! You won't be losing money on expensive dinners, expensive jewelry, semi-expensive flowers, or fat-inducing chocolates! And now there's nobody to keep you from a night in with your buddies Nathan Drake, "Soap" MacTavish, and Solid Snake.
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And hey- Who knows? Maybe next year you can totally use that condom bouquet you have just lying around.
This is terrible advice for all single men on Valentine's day. What he really should have said is drink until you drop and if you can muster up the courage, go to some bars. If you can't pick up an equally pathetic girl you can at least piss on the day of all those "happy" couples.
ReplyGuys V-DAY isnt hard, just get a nice gift (does not have to be jewelry or chocolate) and say something nice and have good manners. If a woman gets more interested in the stuff aspect, she isnt in the relationship because of the love, she is a gold digging SLUT. Honestly a simple gift rules out the bling and over expensive eatables. Plus chocolate companies use children slaves! NO I AM NOT LYING OR KIDDING.
ReplyYou are shouting in a comments section though...which leads me to believe you're one of those logic puzzle girls who says things aren't hard but pitches a fit when they're not.
No mention of luprecalia? That's pretty much where the humping comes in. Another one of those ancient Roman festivals of hedonism. :P
Reply"...stuffed bears holding hearts that read "I Love You Beary Much" fit the bill nicely."
ReplyNO!! None of those cheap cheesy stuffed animals! Those are only good for five year olds.
he means for guys. guys dont give a s**t really. anything is fine.
At least the candy is cheaper the day after
ReplyOnly thing I want for valentine's day is my boyfriend to be out of hospital :(
ReplyLet us all hope for the best.
LOTR, Chinese food, sex on the sofa. Now THATS a great Valentines day! :)
ReplyCan I hang out with you guys?
Oh man, Stefanie knows how to give a BLOWJOB! Quick, let's all pay attention to her to she can feel sexy! Great job, Stef!
ReplyThe funny thing is Stefanie's actually a guy.
only thing i care about on valentine's day is chocolate.
ReplyMy ideal Valentine's Day includes a booty call and video games >_>
ReplyHonestly, a perfect Valentine's Day for me consists of mint chocolate chip ice cream, Netflix at my guy's house, and all the sex he and I can handle. And I give him blowjobs while he plays Skyrim.
Reply(This will be a true story in just 8 short days..hehe).
Weird.
For me, Valentines is a day to cry and write about how lonely I fell.
ReplyIf i ever have a Valentine or significant other again, I would patiently wait (and hope) that from my guy, I got chocolate. Idfc if its the box, a tiny bunny, imported, or a f*****g Snickers bar. Just chocolate is okay.:D
ReplyAnd I would dress up during the day because I wanted to, not because I expected to be going out. Dinner would be nice, but so would staying home, me cooking dinner (him helping if he can cook) and playing Video games later on. The rest of the s**t would cut into my RPG time. kk?
Too bad i'm single...
My Hobby: Looking up people born on/around 11/14
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesI was born on the 15th Nov
I was born on the 15th Nov
That's a good hobby. The chances that those people were conceived because of the holiday is astronomical. :P
14th November is Children's Day in India.
My little sister was due to be born the fourteenth of November, she was born quite early, though. My mother's doctor (and both of my parents,) confirmed that she was conceived on Valentine's Day. I was a teenager at the time. I still feel nauseous when it's mentioned.
I got my girlfirend a yellow kitchen glove to help "spice things up" in the bedroom!
ReplyI was born 9 months and 10 days after Valentine's day! Yay! And a friend of mine was born exactly on November 14th. So we know our origin's most important details...
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesPregnancy is 9 and a half months so if your friend was born on her due date she was concieved on the 1st
The gestation period can vary, a*****e
What a complete DOUCHEBAG!
ignoramusaurus, you are a pretentious douche who is innately retarded. Gestation varies from woman to woman. Get a f*****g clue.
Pregnancy is calculated from beginning of the woman's last period, that's where ur getting ur half month from ignoramusaurus, from conception (most important here) it's about 9 months - for example I was born 21st November, my mother kindly informed me that I was conceived on her birthday 25th feb. My due dates were 20th and 22nd November. But then ur name does suggest ur ignorant, so why am I wasting my (internet)breath.
"The gestation period can vary, asshole"
Best comment ever!
haha the chocolate section on the girls' pie chart should be bigger!!! ^^
ReplyAnd the lovemaking smaller
It's worse when your birthday is on Valentines Day! I've only had a Valentine twice in my life and that was in the past two years...before that everyone would just say Happy Birthday! When you are in my situation you never know what you will get! lol
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI would think that'd make it better, cuz even if you're single you still get presents XP
Neh, that means he gets a present for both Valentine's and his birthday together, not two separate presents... that's sucky.
But thats only for guys parorou. As a girl, if your birthday falls on Valentine's day, having a vagina says that he's getting you a birthday present and a V day gift or else.
And if the guy forgets, he's double screwed.
Two of my friends got married on her birthday. What a retard...set himself up lol.
Actually, it's pretty smart. It means there's one less day he can get into s**t for forgetting something.
Me and my Hubby have been married 13 years, and I forgot our aniversy for the last 3 years in a row...lol. So it's not like I would be pissed if he skipped VD and he knows this. But the s**t is burned in to his brain and he still gets me something every year. I can't b***h though, he got The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse by Robert Rankin ;)
ReplyHe got it, or he got it for you?
On Valentines Day, I couldn;t open my door in the morning. Found my key by lunchtime, though.
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