The equivalent of rats, except they have the ability to fly. These stupid birds have been pissing off humanity probably since the beginning of time.

Suck it Seagull!

Just The Facts

  1. Seagulls are shameless scavengers
  2. They're bastards who will shit on you without warning
  3. They are becoming a real menace to society

Why are they a menace to society?

Seagulls are menaces for several reasons. Besides being assholes, seagulls are thieves, murderers, and rapists...well, maybe not the last two but they're coming pretty close.

Thanks to the people like the one pictured below, seagulls are becoming desensitized to their fear of humans, and are now "coexisting" with us. Although, coexisting isn't quite the right word since seagulls are like the shitty college roommate that never cleans up after themselves and frequently uses your bed as a toilet. And coexistence isn't a one way street.

Thanks for making us look like a bunch of pussies

Because they no longer fear us, seagulls think they rule the world! They see the poor examples of human beings standing on bridges or beaches holding out food and think: "Aah, another food offering from a poor, stupid human. I must be a god to them!" Thanks to these people, these stupid seagulls go through their life believing that anyone holding food is offering it to them.

This lady was not being a poor example, but she's the one being punished.

To make matters worse, seagulls think they're so high and mighty that they can just waltz into stores and steal food. So, to store owners, next time you're missing some of your inventory don't automatically assume that it was some punk kid, but instead blame the seagulls.

Why people REALLY hate seagulls

To be honest, the whole thieving thing that seagulls do don't piss off too many people because it provides a source of laughter for the rest of the people watching. But what does piss people off is the poop. Not only do these egotistical birds steal food from us but after they do it they insist on shitting on the very person they stole from. So basically it's like saying, "Thanks for feeding a poor asshole like me, but fuck you." Then they shit.

Because of this traumatic experience, these victims live the rest of their lives paranoid and forever watching the sky for any seagulls that might happen to fly overhead. Not only that, but they are also left with a strong desire for sweet sweet revenge.

"How would YOU like to be shit on, MOTHERFUCKER!?!?!"

So let's get revenge...

As I see it, we have two options.

Number One: Train cats in the art of using jet packs, launch them into the skies, and watch as feathers rain down from the heavens.


Number 2: (Which is the most likely option because it's much more affordable than cats and jet packs) Arm yourselves with rocks and/or rifles and go on a seagull killing spree. Next time you're at the beach, follow your child's example and start tormenting those seagulls. If you hurt/kill enough of them, we will instill that fear they once had for us. Then they'll have to think twice before pooping in our direction.