Old people go there to die. Spring breakers go there to live to the fullest, with massive amounts of alcohol and drugs, and maybe an appearance on Girls Gone Wild.

And sometimes spring breakers pass out on the beach while sexually violating watermelons.

Just The Facts

  1. Florida is exactly like California, if you take all the fun things out of California and replace them with old people.
  2. They don't count the votes of African-Americans in Florida.
  3. Florida is America's penis.
  4. Popular spring break destination Daytona Beach has four times as many rapes as the national average. Insert your rape joke here, but make sure you have my consent.

Florida Shame

The founding members of Lynyrd Skynyrd are from Jacksonville, Florida. Their biggest hit was called "Sweet Home Alabama". So, either that song was written back when Jacksonville was still part of Alabama, or they were so ashamed of being from Florida that they would rather tell people they are from Alabama. Think about that.

Welcome to Florida!

The Florida coastline is just 90 miles from Cuba. This has lead to huge numbers of Cuban people floating on makeshift rafts to reach America and pursue their dreams, which include playing baseball, picking fruit, landscaping, seducing housewives with their exotic charm and playing hide and go seek with the INS.

My turn to hide...

"Found you! Okay, my turn to hide."

Fountain Of Youth

Explorer Ponce de Leon is forever connected to the state of Florida. He was exploring the state while searching for the Fountain Of Youth. Little did he know that would lead to the formation of a secret society that claims to be the protector of the fountain. The group was featured in a book titled Weird Florida. That's a fitting title if there ever was one. There is also a park in St. Augustine, Florida, called the Fountain Of Youth National Archeaological Park. There's a fountain there, which is not the Fountain Of Youth, but people drink from it regardless.

And it tastes like shit.

Speaking of weird, let's not foget David Copperfeild. He's a resident of Florida and is a magician. That alone makes him a weirdo, but there is also this fact: In August 2006, he claimed that he had discovered the Fountain Of Youth in a cluster of islands which he had recently purchased for $50,000,000. "I've discovered a true phenomenon. You can take dead leaves, they come in contact with the water, they become full of life again. Bugs or insects that are near death, come in contact with the water, they'll fly away. It's an amazing thing, very, very exciting." Copperfield hired scientists to test the waters, but unfortunately it turned out that he's a fucking lunatic.