Internet Dating

Internet Dating is an oddly popular happening that, despite how freaky, fat, or ugly people are, nerds will continue to search for "The One."

Just The Facts

  1. Spawned the phrase "Cybersex", which is reading about or watching videos of people having sex (even if it's untrue).
  2. Internet Dating is for losers who can't get a date in real life.
  3. Nine times outta ten, that's not a girl you're talking to.

Common Terms of Women

Most sites make users fill out a description about themselves on their profiles so others can get a better undersrtanding about them. Womens' descriptions tend to generally be longer than mens'. You need to be careful when scouring sites like eHarmony, MySpace and herpes. Women using the sites often use terms such as...

Voluptuous

What she says:

She has some meat on her bones, but it makes up her sexy curves. You know that "No Fat Chicks" Shirt you wore in college? Well, she's not fat; she's voluptuous. There's a differnece, so she's basically your's for the taking, lucky fella!

What She Means

DEAR GOD. How could she lie? She even went so far as to post pictures of a sexy black woman in place of her own! Did she also mention that she was a BBW? You naive little man... Well, BBW stands for "Big Beautiful Woman", meaning "Yeah, I'm fat, but it's cool. You're still interested in my personality, though, right?" This is the part where you jump in your car and take off speeding. Shouldn't have known better than to meet up at the food court brining a 44 oz. cup of Mountain Dew from the gas station on your way there.

Alright. You've made a mistake, but you're only human. You meet a new girl, the Free Spirited Girl. Lucky you!

What She Says:

"I believe in free love, and absolutely no one should be without it!"

What She Means:

Well hey, she isn't ugly! Problem is, she'll probably have sex with anyone (and anything) within a 6-mile radius.It's also likely that she's a dirty hippie who doesn't bathe and has multiple STDs, and that's just if you're lucky. So if you're willing to go all the way with this one, put on a minimum of 4 condoms and be prepared to have your first twelve-some (and I don't mean the cool one; I mean the one with you, her, and ten other guys).

Yikes. That was uncomfortable. Fortunately, your doctor tells you all the diseases you've tested for all came up negative and decide to make a triumphant return to the e-dating scene. You decide that the superficial ladies need some lovin' too, so you have your first online date with..

The Superficial Chick

What she says:

Wait, you're over 18, right?

"I'm a tough broad, but I always make sure that I look good. If you can't keep up with all this, than F-off." Not your best choice, but you could do worse, right?

What She Means:

Who could've seen that coming? Instead of a hot superficial chick, you get a semi-retarted, slightly fat, over-tanned guidette with a pierced fat roll! You leave, and she says that you're shallow because you don't like fat chicks, making you the superficial one in an ironic twist of fate.

Alright, enough bullshit, time to look for a woman with low self-esteem, but not too much low self-esteem, because that'd be wrong.

"I Need a Real Man/Someone who knows how to treat a lady"

Bingo! She's perfect: She's been dating tools her whole life, and she needs a strong male that won't push her around and say "make me a sammich" while looking at himself in the mirror and watching male gymnastics. You send a request, and she accepts! She says to meet in the park behind the bushes at... 12:45 AM. Anyhow, you meet up, and all is not as it seems.

What She Means:

Gasp! Who ordered the crack whore? It seems as though if when she said "I need someone who knows how to treat a lady", she meant "I've had sex so many times that my vagina is the equivalent to chewed-up dubble bubble." She's basically the real-life equivalent to Eric Cartman's mother (if anyone still cares about South Park anymore).

Last resort. You see someone who is Easy Going/Outgoing.

What She Says:

"I'm looking to be more outgoing and broaden my goals and horizons everyday!"

Finally! A normal, fine-looking girl who is as cheerful and optimistic as I am! This relationship can't possibly go wrong!

What She Means:

See "Free-Spirited Girl" above.

Common Terms of Men

Men are very easy to pinpoint, for some strange reason. The two basic terms are

Romantic, which means he'll do anything to get laid, and "Wanna hang out?", meaning he'll do anything to get laid.

Sometimes, there will be a guy who says he's Sensitive, but that just means he's gay.

Other Forms of Internet Dating

Other people looking to "get some" are the following:

Pedophiles

For the obvious,

Cops

To catch said pedophiles,

Fat, Shirtless Guys

To trick guys into thinking they'll have some of "dat ass", and, of course,

Cats

Because it gives me an excuse for me to write about cats in an article.

It should be noted that there are indeed attractive people on internet daing sites, but they are either certifiably insane and are guaranteed to kill you or indulge in sexual deviancy so nasty that an Atlantic City hooker would not have sex with him because she has too much self-respect. You're better off using a website like "the Facebook of sex" or just stick to Porn. 'Nuff said.