Buzz Aldrin

Buzz Aldrin is an Astronaut, Spacewalker and Moon Explorer, three professions that deserve capitalization, regardless of what grammar says. He was the second man to walk on the moon.

One of these men is Buzz Aldrin

Just The Facts

  1. Buzz Aldrin is an amateur rapper
  2. Buzz Aldrin was named after Buzz Lightyear from the Toy Story films
  3. His mother's name was Marion Moon
  4. One of the above facts is false. Can you guess which one?!!?! (Hint: it's the second one).

Before the Moon

Buzz Aldrin graduated high school in 1946, turned down a scholarship from MIT and instead went to the U.S Military Academy at West Point, probably because he figured there was little chance of anyone starting a horrifying war so soon after the WW2. Buzz underestimated humanities thirst for blood though and a year after graduating he was shooting down jet fighters in Korea.

In 1963 he was selected to be an Astronaut with NASA and in 1966 he went into space for the first time aboard Gemini 12 in a mission to further test mans ability to walk in space. Buzz knocked the mission out of the park, walking about in space like a motherfucker and cementing his place as one of the coolest people in history.

On the Moon

Buzz was named as part of the backup crew for Apollo 8, which meant he would be on the “prime” crew for Apollo 11. He spent the day before launch disassembling and reassembling a dishwasher, which is kind of weird.

Apollo 11 was made up of Commander Neil Armstrong, Lunar Module Pilot Buzz Aldrin and Command Module Pilot Michael Collins. Collins stayed in the Command Module during the mission which meant he didn’t get to land on the surface, a classic case of “always the bridesmaid, never the guy that gets to walk on the moon.”

While Buzz may not have been the first to speak on the moon, he was the first to piss on it; while Armstrong was patting himself on the back for his catchy “Giant Leap” line, Aldrin was secretly taking a leak in front of 600 million people watching at home.

The two Moon Conquerors spent around 2-3 hours on the surface, collecting rocks and passing up a perfect opportunity to prank the entire world by pretending to be attacked by Space Spiders. Once back in the Lunar Module, Buzz accidentally broke the key in the ignition. With no spare, he optimistically stuck a pen in the slot, jiggled it around and luckily managed to start the ascent engine.

Upon returning to earth, Buzz claimed $33.31 in travel expenses. The claim read: “FROM: Houston, Texas; TO: Cape Kennedy, Florida - Moon - Pacific Ocean.”


The wierd thing about this photo is that everyone is looking lecherously at the same girl

After the Moon

Soon after splashing down, being put in “mobile quarantine” to ensure nobody caught space aids, and reuniting with their family, Buzz and his two colleagues were whisked away on a global PR tour to promote the moon landings, which seems rather pointless considering the fact that about 15% of the world watched the thing on TV.
 
During this period Buzz began to suffer from depression and alcoholism, kind of like Johnny Depp in The Astronauts Wife but without the Alien impregnation.
 
Buzz retired from NASA but continues to promote manned space flight.
 
Buzz Aldrin helped develop the computer game Buzz Aldrin’s Race into Space, which was criticised upon release for being too difficult despite the fact that it says it’s a “Race into Space” right there in the title. If it was easy it would be called Buzz Aldrin’s Easy Game for Space Amateurs Who Will Never Go into Space Unlike Me, Buzz Fucking Aldrin. You can download the game here or you can watch a YouTube video of it with a kickass soundtrack here.

Buzz's Tetchy Relationship to other Astronauts

Buzz apparently had a pretty poor relationship to the other NASA astronauts. He was given the nickname “Dr Rendezvous”, officially because he helped come up with the pioneering techniques for docking, or rendezvousing, in space. Unofficially though, he apparently would talk of nothing else but space docking.
 
“Hey Buzz, you see the Red Sox game?”
“Yes. Yes I did, it reminded me of how in space, if you reduce the velocity but increase the...”
“Yeah, right, yeah, I’m just gonna go talk to Mike. Hey, Mike, what was it like on the moon? Oh, that’s right, you didn’t land did you? Suck on it Mike!”
 
Buzz also apparently lobbied pretty hard to be the first man on the moon and was mightily pissed when they gave the honour to Armstrong instead. Indeed, up until Apollo 11, the Commander (in this case Armstrong) generally stayed in the space craft while other people went outside. Buzz was apparently so annoyed that he refused to take any photos of Armstrong on the moon. There are only a few photos of the Apollo Commander on the surface, and one of those is as a reflection in Buzz’s Visor.
 
At one point, Armstrong asked Buzz to take a photo of him after unveiling a plaque. Buzz refused because he was “too busy”. Too busy, to take a photograph, on the moon.

Did Buzz really walk on the moon?

Some people believe that the moon landings where all a hoax designed to annoy people who don’t believe in conspiracy theories. Indeed, some people spend their god-awful, pitiful existence on earth going around harassing people who went to the fucking moon. Buzz Aldrin has one counter-argument for these people. Here, he politely coveys this argument to moon-hoax idiot Bart Sibrel:

The Aldrin Cycler

As part of his campaign to get mankind back into space, Buzz invented the Aldrin Cycler, which, conveniently, Cracked has already written in great detail about in 5 Retarded Space Travel Ideas That Might Actually Work (one of the other ideas is a 50,000 Ton Interstellar Suicide Machine.)

Are there any photos of Buzz Aldrin holding a shotgun and looking cool as fuck?

As Fuck.