Monkeys

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Baby Monkeys are especially cute.

Just The Facts

  1. Monkeys are all primates who are not lemurs, tarsiers, or apes. This includes you.
  2. Monkeys are pretty smart, and many kinds of monkeys have ranked very high on intelligence tests.
  3. Most monkeys are very agile, and this along with their ability to learn and perform tricks at both the circus and the zoo, has led to the entertainment of many children.
  4. Monkeys are one of the primary animals to have a style of Kung Fu named after them and modeled after their movements.

Monkeys Are More Fun Than A Barrel Full Of Themselves.

Of all the animals in the world, monkeys of all kinds are highly entertaining. Technically speaking, a Monkey is any primate that isn't an Ape, Lemur, or Tarsier, which includes a bunch of species. If you claim that humans are not apes, we will have to agree, because they act more like monkeys overall.

It's absurd for a white racist to call a black person a monkey. For one thing, it's an insult to animals for any human to use "monkey" as an insult. Also, white people technically cause much more trouble and fling much more poo than black people, so if anything, these racists are totally confused. Really, the worst thing any black person has done in recent memory is to be happy for someone, and be willing to let them finish. Meanwhile, white people continue trying to steal black music and fashion, and usually no one even beats them up for it (because unfortunately, that too would be racist). White racists will simply have to find a new term for black people. Like "boss" or "sir".

Calling a person a monkey really needs to be a simple statement of fact, or if anything, a compliment. "Hey buddy, I see you eat fruit and like to swing around in trees, rather than make everything on this planet much worse than it was before."

See that? It's actually a nice thing to say. Unfortunately, most humans really are more insterested in simply wrecking everything, so of course they will take it as an insult. Those people are just stupid though, because monkeys rock.

People with little kids sometimes call their kids monkeys when they are being noisy or doing something cute (or both). This is a proper application of the term 'monkey'. If you are not aware, you will need to watch yourself around small children, because if provoked, they too will fling their own shit at you.

Some Monkeys have Super Mustache Power.

This one is shocked that you chaps would be so bold as to photograph him with your newfangled daguerreotype-box.

Great Monkeys Throughout History

This particular monkey hasn't done anything great yet, but he's working on some ideas.

Long ago, some monkeys started playing with fire and trying to make some rocks more sharp so they could make other rocks more round. It was very complicated at the time. We don't know who that monkey was, but that was the first of the great monkeys throughout history.

Eventually, some of these tool-using monkeys decided that they actually weren't monkeys at all (also known as "when the trouble started"). These "human" monkeys were the first ones to wear clothes, or smoke cigars, or ride a tricycle. Despite not wanting to be called monkeys, these particular monkeys actually learned these tricks first, and then taught them to other monkeys.

As the centuries wore on, they rode many tricycles, and rolled many fine cigars. Some of them even learned to dress themselves appropriately.

At last...they had rockets; big metal sticks you could poke into space, and see if there was anything in it.

However, these were a good deal larger than a tricycle, and they were scared, so they first chose to launch some other monkeys (who didn't object to being called monkeys; ie, smaller and hairier ones). These monkeys rode in the first few manned (technically monkeyed) rockets. It was they who went into space first, to check if there were any bananas.

There were not, but there were some rocks and stupid shit the mostly-bald human monkeys wanted. Thus, the small furry monkeys gave up their space exploration, and left it to their larger cousins.

"THIS is my space suit? You had decades to think about it and this is what you come up with? Are you fucking serious? No way, you can just find someone else to go for you. Sorry! Hey, what are you guys doing? HEY! LET GO OF ME, ASSHOLE!"

Monkeys had been depicted as flying before this, though usually with wings instead of rockets. Some of the bad monkeys most of us know of are the Flying Monkeys from The Wizard of Oz. Apparently, the freakish and furry minions of the Wicked Witch of the West have starred in thousands of children's nightmares for many many years now.

Curious George is a good monkey, or so we are led to believe. He is the main character in a popular series of children's books, and goes on various adventures with his friend "The Man with The Yellow Hat". If that isn't some kind of drug code, we don't know what it is. Anyway, the man catches George and brings him to live in a building, and eventually he starts eating puzzle pieces, and possibly masturbating while the neighbor children are watching. Curious George is pretty cute, but we aren't convinced he isn't up to something.

In this story, George finds out that you can't make very much money washing windshields at the stoplight, and that anyone who walks around with their belt off is not someone you want to work for.

While rarely given much screentime, Mr. Teeny from the Simpsons is another famous cartoon monkey (technically a chimp, but not important in this case). He smokes almost constantly, and does various tricks for kids on the Krusty the Clown Show.

Confronted by a dangerous human baby.

Abu from Aladdin

Nintendo had the lovable ape Donkey Kong since nearly the beginning, but it wasn't until "Donkey Kong Country" that they introduced cute monkey sidekick Diddy Kong. The game was a pretty big hit, and spawned a few sequels, and part of the appeal was all the ridiculous monkey antics. You could switch control between characters whenever you wanted, and Donkey could pick Diddy up and throw him.

Diddy Kong helps Nintendo pick up all the gold coins you had in your pocket.

One of the best cartoon monkeys ever was Rafiki from the Lion King. It seems that he is part Mandrill and part Baboon, but entirely charming and funny. As the de facto jungle Jedi and general all around shamanic zen master, he helps Simba along his adventure, so it's not surprising that Rafiki has found his way into many children's hearts. Hey, he's the one who gets to hold Simba up at the beginning of the movie. It's almost surprising he didn't get his own movie.

Rafiki speaks in riddles, and Simba tries to follow along.

Monkey Business

Monkeys are so good at making mischief, mayhem, and hijinx that the term "Monkey Business" has come to mean any sort of foolishness, whether it was caused by monkeys or not.

Here are some examples of monkeys getting into monkey business, or otherwise being ridiculous or cute...

Not every groom needs to wear a monkey suit.

These two monkeys got married in China. Probably a lot of young monkeys in love have run away to China to get married, since it seems to be legal there. In this case, they lived at a zoo where the humans wanted more publicity, so they decided to hold a monkey wedding. Yes, it was an actual legal thing. Wukong and Xiaoya are now limited to having one baby, just like everyone else.

Monkeys in Mythology

Almost every culture that has had any contact with monkeys will regard the monkey as a trickster spirit, and with the general intelligence and playfulness of monkeys, it's not surprising.

Perhaps one of the most amusing bits of of monkey belief comes from the Yanomamo tribe of South America. They believe that monkeys are fully capable of talking, but refuse to do it. Why? It's simple really. If humans knew that monkeys could talk, they would have to get jobs and work like everyone else. They are just far too clever and lazy to be suckered into giving themselves away.

It's a pretty good theory, but the Yanomamo are the same guys who shove hollow sticks up each other's noses, and blow piles of psychedelic green vine powder up the tube (which is like having your friend help you do about 20 lines of coke all in one shot. Green, superhallucinogenic, coke), then sit around drooling and chanting and dripping green boogers down their chest...so you may want to take it all into consideration before making up your own mind.

"Take Your Monkey To Work" Day

We like monkeys, and feel that more people should have monkeys as part of their family. If more people would adopt monkeys, then we could eventually introduce a new holiday; Take Your Monkey To Work Day.

Is there any way in hell that this would be anything less than one of the most entertaining days ever concieved? No. There's not. We thought by the phrasing that would have been clear. It would be entertaining, and educational for the monkeys.

Also, if your boss happened to be an idiotic suckbag, you could simply have your monkey take a ripe poop, and fling it at the boss for you. No one would debate that such a thing is both necessary and helpful.

...a note from Kamikaze Phoenix

I like monkeys. You like monkeys. I guess we all like monkeys. Cool.

Almost done.