Mafia Wars

Mafia wars is one of the most popular facebook games ever created, of course provided by Zynga. It is a text-based mass multiplayer online game. Also, it's really really addictive. And makes people into whores.

sad but true

Just The Facts

  1. Mafia wars has on all platforms combined 25.9 million monthly active accounts.
  2. New episodes are released gradually.
  3. The game has 3 main classes: Fearless, Mogul and Maniac, all with their cons and pros.
  4. Everyone who is not a Maniac bitches about maniacs having way to much perks.
  5. These people only have themselves to blame, since they could pick Maniac as well.
  6. It's the only not totally gay alternative to farmville and fishville and every other gay ville.
  7. It keeps users more amused & addicted than an X-Box and a Playstation combined.

The Game

For the non 25.9 million people who know this game, a quick introduction:

The game is all about text. After you picked your class (hint : Maniac), you get to start doing jobs. It's fun for a while, untill energy runs out. For this game:
you don't need reflexes,
you don't need skill, (tough it might help you if you know the basics of adding or multiplying simple numbers, like "having 4 energy points will let me perferm a job costing 1 energy dum dum dum FOUR times"),
you don't get fancy graphics or lasers or video game sounds (unless you consider a loading drum of bullets entertaining, and if you say yes to that, We bet it's a firm "NO" after about 6.000.000 times).

If you can manage counting, you can manage mafia wars. If you can't, go play plock.

The godfather

The creators of the game didn't invent the mustard themselves. The italians did. And the Russians, and Tony Montana. And Hollywood.

Everybody knows the mafia, and everybody thinks they are cool, that is, everybody alive and two-thumbed. The mafia-phenomenon is cool, slick and sexy. Period.

And that's where they got it: Zynga made allusions to about every popular organised crime movie ever. Hell they even used Rocky.

As a second big piece of game, they released "Cuba". Anyone seen the Godfather II?

We could reference every piece of popular media used in the game, but hey, that's what the eggheads and no-lifers that edit wikipedia are for.
We are here to talk about the game.

Hardcore gangsters

The game is so simple, so basic and so much fun that it could easily be enjoyed by anyone, even your mom. Especially your mom. Since there is no crosshair, no purple lasers to avoid, no aliens sucking on your neck, but only plain yellow and white text and little drawings, it's bound not to offend your mom.

Zynga is going all the way to make this game as accessible for everyone as possible. For example..

milk and cookies

In the recent X-Mas series of items that you could win, or send around to people who were in your mafia. Now it's clear what this item is: a pair of gangsters, a slick and cool bearded white-suited hardcore mafiosi, teamed up, backcovering you might say, with a Samuel-Jackson-cool black man.
Zynga nicknamed these cool fellows... Milk and Cookies.

Now that's some badass nice designing gifts right there.

But even great designers of GIF-presents have managers... So what can we guess happened? One soccer mom probably got offended, tought of it as a racial slur, complained and what happened?
The same cool GIF turned up, with a different name: Santa's Helpers...
Now that's politically correct right there.

The same happened with a cool halloween item: a chopped of hand, dropping some poker chips. Nice if you ask us. Mafia-style? Check. Gore? Check. Badass? Check!
So what happened? Did they colour the hand green, make the blood on the fingers brown like dirt and call it Frankenstein Poker Chips? No that didn't happen, a game titled "Mafia Wars" couldn't possibly be to clean for a chopped of hand could it?

Cash Cow

According to wikipedia:

The makers of a similar online game, Mob Wars, sued Zynga over their launch of Mafia Wars, accusing Zynga of copyright infringement. Zynga made some changes to Mafia Wars so it wouldn't resemble Mob Wars as closely, but Mob Wars creator David Maestri moved forward with his lawsuit. In September 2009, Maestri and Zynga settled the case for about $7-$9 million, less than the $10 million Maestri had originally demanded.

You guys got that? Make a succesfull mafia themed game and you can just "settle" for 7-9 million dollars!
For f***s sake, it's even a free I-phone app.

In game, like in all zynga games, everything is 'fair' but things can get fairer for you if you get that fat wallet of yours out of your backpocket. The game offers a system of "Godfather points" (Vito Corleone rolls over in his grave), which offers the players to pay for things they get for free after a while as well, but makes them feel smug and good about their newer shiny toys, while basically being stolen from (Vito Corleone rolls back and snuggles in, happily ever after).

Mafia war is addictive.

As we said before, this game even suits your mom just fine. And speaking of your mom...

While in the beginning she may enjoy the game very much, and do jobs, and only look at it weekly, soon she'll find herself to be the internet equivalent of a 10$ crackwhore. Seriously.

just look at darlene casey... it's to late for her
just look at darlene... seriously, look her profile up... It's to late for her.

After your mom has been doing some jobs, being all happy and cheerfull about her "criminal succes", she'll want to start buying in some properties... After all, like every American knows by now, real financial succes comes from owning houses and properties...

But anyhow, your mom buys a little italian restaurant, enjoys the three people in her facebook who play mafia wars as well, and very soon she'll want to show someone that she has the best mafia in the world. A little competition never hurt anyone eh? Just ask all those (recovering) alcoholics to remember the first time they felt cheerful for outdrinking someone.
Now I am not saying that alcoholism makes you a total whore, but it's lindsay lohan and it's old news

it's named Lindsay and it's old news people!

Now back to your mom? Can you handle that?
Ok, so your mom bought property...
Let's suppose the likes the idea of fighting her mafia against some other FB player's mafia. Suppose she likes winning.. Well then she is in for a rough ride, since everyone else seems to have 501 mafia members. And she doesn't have 501 friends that play mafia wars. Problem?


Just inform your mom that all she needs is some sexy picture of her (on second tought since it's your mom some good looking young sister might be better...) and just put and "ADD ME DAILY PLAYER"-notice on one of the 10000000 groups that inform you that free godfather points (remember, worth real currency) are just for the taking if you upload your visa card number and help a rich Ivory Coast inhabitant bring his massive fortune if you just donate...

You get the message.