Anarchists
Anarchists are basically like normal people, except instead of voting, and reading newspapers, they burn and break things.
Just The Facts
- Anarchists are responsible for millions of dollars in damage worldwide ever year
- Anarchists are responsible for numerous police injuries worldwide every year
- There is still no anarchy. Anywhere.
American Anarchists
At some point, about a million years ago, American anarchists were relevant. That was when they were running around New York assassinating people and blowing stuff up. Nowadays, its more of a remove-the-battery-of-your-cell-phone-so-the-government-won't-hear-you-talking-about-your-subversive-zine type of thing. Every so often (once a year or so), a big protest will happen, and an anarchist will throw a rock through a window, drag a newspaper box into the street, or roll a dumpster down a hill at a cop car. The remainder of the year will be spent hyping this event up to be the sign of the coming insurrection.
Greek Anarchists
They listen to techno music, burn cars and police officers on a daily basis, and fucking hate Christmas.
The tyranny of Clause will be felt no more, my brothers, the insurrection is upon us!
Mexican Anarchists
They (allegedly) stole Trotsky's ashes, baked them into cookies, and mailed them to anarchists all over the world.
The white bits are real skull!
Anarcho-Primitivists
These are crazy people. Their hobbies include; watching Man Vs Wild, stealing expensive sporting goods, learning how to make leather, complaining about the 'tyranny of language', and (once a year or so) running around naked in the woods for a weekend. They read Hatchet when they were little, and took it as absolute fact. They eat bananas from the opposite end, like monkeys do.
The primitivist utopia
Anarcho-Synicalists
These are boring people. Their hobbies include; talking about their anarchist organization's structure document, reading books about the IWW's structure documents, having inappropriate sexual dreams about future structure documents, and (once a year or so) organizing a union picket (maybe). They saw Newsies when they were little, and took it as absolute fact. They eat meat and drink dark beer, like the proles do.
The syndicalist utopia
Anarcho-Capitalists
They only exist on the internet, disregard them.
We're trolling infoshop!
This article is so completely dead on in a lot of ways. I busted my nut on the syndicalist vs. primitivist chart.
ReplyMajor downside though. When I read the stuff about peeling the banana from the bottom monkey-style. It was so incredibly something an anarchist would do. But my curiosity was piqued and in a "I bet it isn't even any easier" rage about my top of the banana ripping violence superiority that I tired it. And it was so much easier. I find myself opening from the bottom now. I'm ruined.
this is completely accurate. genius.
ReplyWow this is horribly innaccurate...though anarcho-primivitists and anarcho-capitalists are both completely f*****g stupid. Anarchy = equality, anarchy and PEACE, f**k this chaos bullshit, that's just what the government says to make people fear anarchy.
ReplyI dunno I thought it was pretty dead on. The chaos stuff was only mentioned in the context of protests, they didn't demonize anarchists like most media would.
=v= I was doing some legal support some years ago and found that the NYPD defined an "anarchist" as anyone who wears black (so that includes goths, artistes, Johnny Cash), but they also figured that anarchists wore colors other than black to fool people.
ReplySo I'm not sure that "Just The Facts" up there reflects any sort of reality.
I told you, we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns, to act as a sort of executive-officer for the week. But all of the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting, by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs, but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major decisions.
ReplyThe whole primitivist thing was fucking... dead on, actually. But living for free isn't everyone's bit I guess.
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