Jews

The Jews, also known as the Jewish people, are an ethnoreligious group originating in the Middle East. The Jewish ethnicity, nationality,and religion are strongly interrelated, as Judaism is the traditional faith of the Jewish nation.(yay!wikipedia!)

The very first picture in a google image search, like not even first page, goddamn first goddamn picture.

Just The Facts

  1. Judaism was the first religion to come up with Monotheism, the belief in one omnipotent god.
  2. Islam and Christianity are both direct descendents of the Jewish religion.
  3. Jews love money, all jews, any money, period.

How it came to be.

The first Hebrew, see 'cause Jews we're called Hebrews for whatever strange reason (I suspect aliens), was Abram (yes, I know how to spell), the son of the maker of clay deities to be worshipped, he was visited by God one day and went on to go ape-shit all over his Dad's idols, uttering the infamous quote, "I'ma kick yo mothafuckin, stupid ass, jive ass, gangsta ass, clay ass asses, what you gonna do about it, Ashnar?!" (we think).

Seriously? They worshipped THIS?!

Seriously?! They worshipped THIS?!

Some time after this outburst, at the age of 75, Abram, his wife Sarai (Sarah, for you newfags), his nephew Lot, his brother Haran, and all their assorted concubines and animal what-nots on an exciting and fun filled journey to some other place, honestly, who reads this? the Land of Milk and Honey, the Promised Land, the Land-of-Any-and-All-Sorry-Fruit-of-Your-Loins,-Oh.. Wait, No,-That's-AMERICA Land.

On the way their, Abram famously pimped out his wife to the Pharaoh, saying that she was his sister (either way, what a prick) so he wouldn't have to go through the whole "getting his head chopped off to get to his wife thing, pussy.

Then again, if this happened, we'd lol.

When they finally reached Canaan, Abram and Sarai were REALLY FUCKING OLD and for whatever reason, maybe God's promise of a shit ton of generations or something, they wanted a child. Sarah, cuz her names Sarah now, is waaaay to old to even think about children without tearing up about her birthless youth and how she always wanted the sound of little feet from the beings from Abraham's freaky cut up penis (that was important, he's circumsised.) running around the encampment, whining about how their siblings were all dying from old-timey diseases left and right (aaah, those were the days), but, alas, she was barren. In the fashion of the time, to ensure her dream being fulfilled, as God never said Abraham's star-descendents would be birthed from her, she gave Abraham Hagar (the Horrible! lolvikings) for him to lay his seed in. Needless to say, Abraham hopped on that tight Egyptian ass faster than Ron Jeremy gets an erection in a room full of midgets.

Personally I don't know what he was thinking, I've got a hard-on like the Washington Monument.

Hagar went on to be the blasphemous bitch she was and get pregnant and eventually (we're guessing 9 months later) gave birth to Ishmael, father of Islam. Sarah shat bricks at this to God and in turn, God gave her a boy, named Isaac, that she gave birth to, kinda like Jesus, just with old man penis. A famous scene in the bible is the Binding of Isaac where God tells Abraham to kill his son, but at the last second the sadistic bastard sends an angel to steady his hand and let Isaac to live to reproduce another day.

After this whole affair, shit went down and we have Moses, in Egypt, all of the Jews are in Egypt, as slaves. Moses gets the Pharaoh to free them with God showing their big-dickedness with the plagues, and they spend 40 years walking around the desert. Somewhere in there, dolphins are mentioned.

a

La'chaim!

Mass Murderings

Pretty much since Moses freed them from the enslavement from Egyptians, Jews have been under an almost perpetual string of getting the shit killed out of them. "But, right now Jews are being treated with equality," You may argue, and while this is partially true, you are leaving out how in approximately two years in an anti-America move, China is going to take over Israel and "get all Hitler up in hur."

"Chinks know what's up"

Spanish Inquisition

The Spanish Inquisition was a tribunal established by a partnership of the Catholic Church and the Spanish Royalty that officially lasted from `1487-1833. It was when the Spanish and the Church decided not only did they not like the Jews, Muslims, and Protestants that were inhabiting their land, but that even the ones that chose to be Catholic were, still, dirty Jews. (They were). The Inquisition forced thousands of Jews out of Spain, and many went to Germany, but more on that later. The J-peeps that refused to leave were killed and/or tortured, we're guessing by chaining them to some sort of old timey pole and placing whatever the quarter of the times was in front of them, just out of their reach.

The Holocaust

While there were more mass murders and generally dick attitudes towards Jews, this is the one Quentin Tarantino covered.

Reveling in the following of the Curly Haired Masses.

The Holocaust was all masterminded by a homosexual genius, his name was Adolf Hitler, he was a racist, an enforcer of extreme social darwinism, and the designer of the Volkswagen Beetle.

"SIEG HEIL MEIN FUHRER!"

Hitler, for all of his faults, was a brilliant speaker, although you have to be to convince an entire nation that blondes were the embodiment of perfection (while he himself had brown hair), a feeble group of religious people were at fault for the countries problems, and all the while be anti-capitalism AND anti-socialism all at once.

Ten million people were killed in this whole affair while 6,000,000 (yes exactly) were jews. This is a fact that anti-semites like to cite to say that Jews are whiny little bastards, 'cuz, you know, it's not all about them.

The Modern Jew

no.

Today, the role of the Jew is money grubbing, country ruining asshole, Sicher ist der Jude auch ein Mann, aber der Floh ist auch ein Tier, varied, from actor to broker, from musician to FBI agent, they play an important part in todays society.

Even today, you've probably run into a few of the Jewish Brotherhood, maybe it was that strapping young man leaving your local tenement complex, maybe it was the girl your daughter was sharing cookie recipes with (we don't know what "hamantaschen" is either, but it sounds like devilspeak), maybe it was the old lady who you helped carry food, anyways, here's some pictures of the Jewish Swine People.

Funny man!

Leonard Cohen- The Jewish Bob Dylan!

The leader of all of the above.