Porn For Dummies

OK - given the target demographic of Cracked, this is probably the biggest waste of a requested topic ever conceived. Though given the early comments - maybe not.&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident

Porn training should be started early.

Just The Facts

  1. Computer geeks rarely get laid.
  2. Porn fuels 99.98% of net traffic.
  3. Cause and effect? Or just coincidence?

So you want to hunt for porn.

First off, welcome, and congratulations on your balls finally being functional instead of just something to scratch.

We're throwing you a party. With balloons and everything

Now you are finally aware of the other sex as unattainable objects, you are ready to hunt porn. As always with the for dummies guides, we have a series of symbols to assist you to learn fast.

use these tips to be a porn connoisseur.
You can safely ignore these if you don't mind your habits becoming public knowlege
These are risks, and could result in computer STDs or sticking keyboards.

A Brief History of Porn

This section is not what you are looking for. Skip to the next one. Unless you want to pretend to be intellectual - see intellectual porn for details.

Porn has been around as long as humanity, or perhaps longer. In the Stone Age, it wasn't terribly good, but it was there.

Wait, did he chop her head off with his dick? Our mistake, this is the worlds earliest snuff film.

As humanity moved towards civilisation and city dwelling, porn pretty much died out, due to fertility rites with temple prostitutes and all the live action you could want due to a complete lack of privacy. With 20 people sleeping in one room, it was fuck for an audience or stay a virgin.

Pixellation. Saving blushes since 3000 BC

Like so much of our civilisation, we owe much to the Romans for rediscovering that porn both rocks and helps you get your rocks off. Though it was more of a fixed price menu than something you could hide under the mattress.

I'll have a 1, 19 and 53 to go please. And supersize it.

Briefly lost again in medieval times, when porn was considered a picture of a woman not covered in filth and lice, it resurged in the 18th century.

The very first ASCII porn.

The advent of photography started the porn we know and love today. You just know that the first thing Louis Daguerre did was to shout, " Dearest, come here. And take your knickers off."

Holy Fuck! Just look at those ankles!.

Where to Find Porn

You really are new to this, aren't you?

The Garage, Basement or Attic

Not the attic. That is Mom's "special place."

Look - your Dad is male, therefore he has porn. Somewhere. Find his stash. It'll be in a place your Mom rarely goes. Down, in other words.

The Mall

Not on my watch, pervert!

If you are really desperate, go to the Mall. No, you are not going to rub one out in the middle of the food court while staring fixedly at the cute server in Taco Bell, you are going to pick up a couple of catalogues. Victoria's Secret has the best models, but even the Sears catalogue will do in a pinch.

The News Stand

Not shown - privacy

Only do-able if your now functioning balls are big enough to be seen buying porn in public. Most amateurs make the mistake of blushing, stammering and buying porn in the next town over. Professional porn hunters arrange a standing order.

There is a high likelihood of people you know seeing you buy porn. There is nothing more embarassing than picking up your copy of Big Ass Party at the same time as your priest is collecting his copy of Readers Wives.

Ye Olde Porn Shoppe

Subtle. Really fucking subtle.

Yes, these actually still exist. The home of DVDs with only 4 minutes of a porno burnt onto them, magazines that cater to every fetish under the sun and sex aids that look more like medieval torture devices, we cannot in good concience recommend them for the novice.

The Internet

See next chapter

Internet Porn

The internet was invented for porn.Ignore all the bollocks you read about sharing information and new business models - it is porn. All porn, all the time.

use these tips to be a porn connoisseur.
You can safely ignore these if you don't mind your habits becoming public knowlege
These are risks, and could result in computer STDs or sticking keyboards.

Fetishes and Weird Shit

use these tips to be a porn connoisseur.
You can safely ignore these if you don't mind your habits becoming public knowlege
These are risks, and could result in computer STDs or sticking keyboards.

The Part of Tens

10 Places to Hide Your Stash

10 Excuses When Caught By Mom

10 Good Online Sources for Porn