This week, Apple unveils a new Tablet computer that is being hailed as the heir apparent to the iPhone ... right up until people saw it. As anyone familiar with movie trilogies can tell you, the first two are the easy part ...

A Laptop Without a Keyboard or a Camera That Can't Multitask? Yeah, There's an App for That.

Ever been using your Kindle and then tried to open a webpage on it and realized, "Oh yeah, this isn't my iPhone." Ever pick up your iPhone and try to read a book on it, and realize it's just not colorful enough for your reading needs? Ever wish your iPhone were bigger and couldn't make telephone calls? If so, Steve Jobs made your day yesterday.

If not, you're probably just as baffled as the rest of us about the hype over the Apple Tablet. The personal computer, named the iPad, was the most hotly anticipated gadget release since Sarah Jessica Parker finally got physical proof that Matthew Broderick wasn't gay.

POW! Right in the pants!

But based on Jobs presentation, it's just like the tablet PCs that have been less than popular for the last 7 years, only without a keyboard. It's got a touchscreen keyboard that look just as easy to type with as Jobs said the iPhone was going to be...

Which is to say, it looks like it'll be a horrible pain in the ass.

The Jobs Factor: He Certainly Seemed Confident

But it seemed foolish to go into this thing totally cynical. There was a lot of hype heading into the iPhone unveiling, and that seemed to work out ok. So what could he possibly have up his sleeve, besides more black turtlenecks?

"Under this black turtleneck and you will find another, and another. Just black turtlenecks for days."

Cracked.com's Apple Tablet / Duck Hunt / Pelican Brief (Otherwise Known As Things We Were Wrong About)

The Apple tablet was rumored to have a webcam for videoconferences, presumably to make a YouTube movie of yourself sorting your own iTunes collection. But when you combined that with rumors that the iTablet would "recognize" which family member is holding it, Apple's interest in voice input software, and Nintendo's patented "Duck Hunt" technology, things started to get more interesting. If the iPad had a camera that could not only see you, but recognize gestures, it stood to reason that we could be dealing with a computer you control using hand gestures from across the room.

Yep, like that. But with more pornography.

Instead we got something that fulfilled our worst fears. It's just a goddamn big iPod Touch. It can't multi task, it can't place phone calls, it doesn't even have a goddamn camera.

Imagine the possibilities!