Seen merely as ridiculous lawn ornaments to most, gnomes are strange and magical creatures that have captivated so many nerds that they seem to have created some freakish cult dedicated to them.

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Just The Facts

  1. At 275 years of age, a gnome is at the prime of his/her life.
  2. Average height is 15cm(without the cap) and weighs a whopping 300 grams.
  3. A female gnome starts growing a light beard after reaching 350 years of age.

Types of Gnomes

Woodland Gnome: Looks like the stupid gnomes you see on lawns(as most gnomes do). He doesn't show himself to humans often. In fact, they have several escape routes planned out just to avoid you.

Should you be scared? No.

Dune Gnome: Lives in deserts and also shies away from humans.

Should you be scared? No...not even if you live in the desert.

Garden Gnome: Lives in gardens. Described as "melancholy" and often journey into the woods if they feel too closed in.

Should you be scared? Probably. Those gnomes on your grandparent's lawn that you called fucking ugly and flipped the bird to are alive, and now they're even more depressed. So, if you don't want to find a dead gnome under your bed with his wrists slit in the morning you should probably apologize.

House Gnome: A gnome just as intelligent as a human. They are ruled by gnome kings and are usually good-natured.

Should you be scared? Yes, but only in the rare case that the gnome is not of a friendly nature--otherwise it's totally OK because they'll mend your shoes for you.

Siberian Gnome: Several centimeters taller than the average gnome. They associate freely with trolls(one of the gnome's natural enemies), and to really show off how bad ass they are they'll kill your cattle, cause bad harvests, droughts, and anything else unpleasant.

Should you be scared? Yes, yes you should be. If you so much as look at a Siberian Gnome he'll fuck your shit up! Seriously, if a tiny man can kill a herd of cattle built to survive the harsh Siberian climate then there's a good chance he can kill you too. My advice: Don't go to Siberia.

Why humans would be doomed if these gnomes teamed up and created a gnome army

According to the book, Gnomes, gnomes can be found in these parts of North America:
Sure, this may not seem like a lot to you now, but just think about how many of those tiny bodies are packed into those little red areas. Not to mention the fact that gnomes are seven times stronger than men and have a much larger brain capacity, lifespan, and are pretty much way more awesome than humans will ever be. We would be totally screwed if they decided that they were tired of us using their friends as lawn ornaments and targets for our streams of urine. If in fact they did start a war, they could recruit the help of their European friends.
Yeah, we'd definitely be screwed...
But, being the smart-ass you probably are, instead of thinking that these are just dumb mythical creatures that don't exist, you're probably thinking: "How would these gnomes even cross the ocean?" Well my smart-ass friend, I'll tell you. Birds. Gnomes can ride on birds, and I bet those fucking seagulls would be more than willing to give them a lift.
The next thing you know you have this waiting on your doorstep:
Except it's this x1000 and with axes

What should we do?

The only plausible solution to this problem is cats. Cats are natural hunters and will attack anything that moves as long as it's smaller than them. So cats might just stand a chance against an army of gnomes.

So lets start breeding hundreds of thousands of these bad boys and we might survive a gnome invasion...

Our only hope for the future.