Crows

Most human encounters with crows consist of trying to end human encounters with crows. This usually involves the human trying desperately to scare the crow away, and the crow generally not giving a shit.

Just The Facts

  1. Crows are considered some of the most intelligent birds in the world.
  2. Crows are found in almost every part of the world.
  3. A flock of crows is called a "murder."
  4. Intelligent, flying murders are found all over the world.
  5. Read that last fact again. Now go change your pants.

Dolphins of the Sky

The crow has been described as having human-like intelligence. This is pants-shittingly terrifying because crows can fucking fly. A pack of humans generally walks . A pack of crows flies through the sky leaving terror in its wake. A pack of humans is called traffic. A flock of crows is called a fucking murder.

So a murder of smart crows flying around over your head certainly aims in the general realm of an apocalyptic scenario, but what exactly can this flying machine of death do? Well, for one, they are the only one of three animals to use tools, along with humans and chimpanzees. They communicate with each other and play tricks on each other. They can be taught to speak and imitate the human voice. That's right, crows are not simply content with fucking with each other, but feel the need to fuck with you as well.

Imagine you are walking down the street when you hear a familiar friend call out to you. You turn around expecting to see Old Man Jenkins from down the road waving to you behind his toothless grin, but instead are greeted with an ominous black angel of death staring at you from the sidewalk. The Crow's just as evil relative, the raven is famous for this exact kind of encounter in Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven," in which this bird of death drives the speaker batshit insane. The Raven is also known for winning the Superbowl in 2001, stabbing its cousin and selling drugs to small children, not to mention its overwhelming unibrow.

One of the many portraits taken at the crows' family reunion.

One of the many portraits taken at the crows' family reunion.

So there you are, staring into the black face of death, and what does the crow do? Unknowingly make you do his bidding, of course. Crows in Japan have reportedly learned to throw copious amounts of nuts into oncoming traffic to crack them open, waiting for their opening to collect the pieces like Frogger. Sound harmless enough? What if you knew that crows have learned to follow human's schedules. Certain murders of crows have been known to learn garbage routes and to show up at specific houses on specific garbage days.

"I'm just looking to score, bro."

So basically, imagine a small, covert, flying stalker that knows your every move, manipulates you, and that no one pays attention to. Also, they travel in murders. Fucking murders.