Homeopathy

Homeopathy is an "alternative," or "complementary," medicine. There is currently no scientific evidence for its efficacity, mostly because it's the biggest crock of shit since, well, fucking ever.&&(na

More useful than homeopathy

Just The Facts

  1. Homeopathy was invented by a man who was sick and tired of leeches.
  2. It's based on sympathetic magic (more on that later)
  3. It has no side effects, aside from rotting your teeth.

How does it work?

The homeopath will go explore all your symptoms, including ones you didn't even realise you had, including dreams. That's right, that dream where you have advanced leprosy, it means you have it in real life. And the one where you're a wolf? Means you have lycanthropy. For real.

The homeopath will then prepare tinctures based on your symptoms; if you have a rash, the homeopath will pick a substance that causes rashes. Can't sleep? A caffeine based cure is what's needed. Now, obviously this is completely fucking insane. Luckily for me, it gets worse.

This active ingredient, the one that is supposed to help you, is diluted. And not a little bit. By the time the potion is ready for general use, a measure known as "30C," there will be one part of the active ingredient to a lot of water. How much is a lot? You really want to know? Here it is in numbers:

1:1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Too much? It's cool. Try instead this mental picture: a sphere of water with a 150 million kilometre diameter. That's the distance from here to the Sun. It takes light, which is a speedy bugger, eight minutes to traverse this distance. Now, inside this sphere, is a single molecule. Not one drop, one fucking molecule, of the original ingredient. That is your average homeopathic dose.

No side effects - no problem?

Sure thing! Long as you brush your teeth regularly, you will suffer no adverse effects from these treatments. On the other hand, if you take homeopathic malaria prevention tablets and then go to parts of Africa where malaria is rife, side effects may well include getting malaria.

I'd love to say idiocy was a side effect, but it's got to be there before you decide that sugary water is going to cure you of your ailments.

If you are currently on a course of homeopathic medicine then please be aware that your body may be getting better because of the placebo effect, which I've just ruined by telling you so. Boo hoo. Now go and see a proper doctor.