The Vagina is the part of the woman's body that really matters. All of the talking, the dinners, the movies and the sappy shit are done to make friends with the vagina she's attached to.

You know that's exactly what you want.

This is also acceptable.

Just The Facts

  1. Vaginas are a dark, mysterious funland where only the best are given access
  2. The vagina is only fun when you yourself don't have one.
  3. The worst part of the vagina is that it's usually attatched to a woman who won't let you near it.

Basic Anatomy

Except for you kids googling 'vaginas', I can assume that all of you have passed the sixth grade and therefore know what a vagina is. The discerning vagina connoisieur knows all of the delicate ins and outs of the delicate innie, but to the layman a vagina can seem like a huge mess of tubes, wires, blobby parts and where the hell do they say that third tube is anyways?

How the everyday man sees the vagina

The vagina is interestingly similar to the internet

But let's have a quick recap, since we're all mature, scholarly adults (seriously, kids, there's probably not anything of interest to you here).

Firstly, the vagina itself is only a small (and terrific) part of the overall clusterfuck that are the ladybits. It's where all your important business takes place, and it's only about 9 cm long. Except for your mom.

The whole organ itself works like this: The vaginal opening leads to the vagina, which leads to the cervix, which leads to the uterus, which leads to the fallopian tubes (two of them) and then ends in ovaries (also two. Women are into matching sets like that.) On the outside we've got the Labia Majora (The big bits hiding the little bits) and the Labia Minora (The little bits hidden by the.... oh what the hell, you know what I'm talking about.) Then there's the clitoris, right above everything like a smug, attention-seeking little jackass. It's out of the way of everything, sitting off by itself like those loner kids in high school, but if you don't go over and spend some time with it, your girlfriend's probably not going to let you party in her lunchroom any time soon. The really sick part? According to scientists, the clitoris has more nerve endings than the penis, making it better at doing it's job than our proud tool is. And that means that it's a hipster, and nobody likes hipsters.

Proper Uses of a Vagina

The proper way to use a vagina is to first learn the name of the person it's attached to. This is a step that many men tend to forget, but it can ensure that you and the vagina can become fast friends. Then you've got to get the woman to introduce the two of you. I suggest some Barry Manilow and pretending to cry during a chick flick. Seemingly, the tactic of being a complete jackass, acting like a tool and pretending to not give a shit about anything the woman says also seems to work. Seriously, why do those guys get so much pussy?

Once you've gained access, there's a myriad of fun things you could do to make sure that you'll be going back often.

She'll totally be into this
Or this. Both are acceptable.
Then it's go time. I don't have the patience to explain to your inferior brain how to perform all the ins and outs of the deed. But I'm sure you'll figure it out. Just make sure you use some sort of contraceptive, or in nine months your friendly vagina will turn not-so-friendly and give you an excuse to give half your paycheck away for eighteen years.

Alternative Vagina Uses

Firstly, I'm going to mention that once a month, the vagina turns into a nasty, painful, terrifying hellhole from whence nothing good can come. Now I'm never going to mention this again, and I'll thank you to respect that.

There are many other things that you can do with a vagina. For instance, you could find another vagina and let them play together.

Something like this, right?

You can also customize your vagina, changing color, shape and number of things pierced in it. Amazingly, there are nine main types of female genital piercings (and countless other not-so popular ones) most of which are named after fancy women who might not have appreciated the homage. I'm not sure if Princess Di ever had a triple death ring resting against her nethers, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be happy about other women getting it done in her name.

Then again, she was a saucy lady.

All in all, the vagina was meant to do wonderful things and be wonderful things. I suggest that you go out and find a nice one now (preferably attached to a nice enough woman) to experience the joy that only the vagina can give.