The female orgasm - The truth behind the myth
There actually exist theories which claim the existance of various types of female orgasms (and yes, they are luckier than men in this departement).
I'm going to give you an overview about all the lies.
The clitoral orgasm seems to be the most common orgasm for females. Most masturbate by stimulating the clitoris.
When engaging in oral sex be aware that the clitoris starts of very sensitive, can endure more and more stimulation and after an orgasm gets more sensitive again. So start slowly and gradually build up. For useful techniques to make your woman (who am I kidding) reach an orgasm during oral sex, I refer you to the Female Pleasure Guru David Shade (link at the bottom of the page).
Some women find the stimulation of the opening of the urethra very pleasurable. Disclaimer: Very rare.
There are claimed to exist various forms of vaginal orgasms. The G-Spot is 1.5 to 2.5 inches inside the vagina, up the front wall.
This spot can be stimulated either by fingers, toys or a penis during intercourse. Many women who are able to come during intercourse climax from G-spot stimulation. This contradicts the myth that one needs a huge penis to please women sexually.
Some women are even able to ejaculate from G-spot stimulation (See squirting link at the bottom).
The A-Spot is short for Anterior Fornix is located on the front wall of the vagina, below the cervix.
The P-Spot stands for Posterior Fornix which is located parallel to the Anterior Fornix, on the other wall.
Normally, they are stimulated by inserting your finger(s) almost all the way in the vagina and stimulating the spots in a come-hither manner.
The cervix orgasm is like the urethra orgasm - very rare to achieve and most women find stimulation of this area very irritating.
Most women are at first really shy considering anal sex, but with a gentle partner, who takes away their fears and let's them enjoy just the pleasure, they can actually experience very powerful orgasms.
Some women who are really in touch with their sexuality and additionaly very sensitive can have orgasm from nipple or other erogenous zone stimulation (ears, mouth, neck,...).
The mental orgasm is achieved by vividly describing a woman a stimulating fantasy, going into great detail and helping her get lost in it. It is necessary that the woman is completely relaxed and able to trust the narrator.
If you are interested in more of those lies (and pictures!) click the link to David Shade at the bottom, but now, let's get to the truth:
Can you love something that doesn't exist?
Let's talk cold turkey right now:
Female orgasms don't exist. You, dear Cracked reader, might say: "But I've been told that they do!" or "But I've once seen this movie where..." but today, I have to tell you that everything you thought you knew, were lies. Simple as that.
And look who backs up my statements - It's Hugh Hefner, the founder of Playboy Magazine and father of at least 150 illegitimate children. And if there is someone who must know then it's him.
I'll cite him from his blog: "the female orgasm? Why not just discuss other myths like the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus or a smart blonde."
If you said at the beginning before Hugh Hefner convinced you, that female orgasms do actually exist, you were not completely wrong. So don't feel bad.
Like always there are some exceptions to the rule and there actually are some ways for a woman to orgasm, which we'll examine right now.
1. The Stabwound Orgasm
The stabwound orgasm is very widespread in the Doom Metal/Gloom Metal/Bloom Metal scene. It's a very dangerous way to climax because if it's executed by a drunk, i.e. an average Metal listener, it can end lives. At least those women who die from it could once experience the pleasure of orgasming. And honestly speaking, dying while cumming is one of the better ways to die.
2. The Childbirth Orgasm
Some women who have experienced this phenomenon described it similarly to Ruth Claire, the author of the its-so-fantastic-put-it-immediately-on-your-to-buy-list book "Mothering", who wrote the following heart-warming words about the childbirth orgasm:
"I had been told to expect a 'dogging pain,' but was unprepared for the sensation of sexual ecstasy, the voluptuous feeling of penetration....Crouched on my knees on the little afghan, I caught the infant who rushed from my vagina into the small world between my legs, in the midst of an extraordinary orgasm from the inside out."
Doesn't that sound fantastic?
Apparently, women need a baby to show them how to orgasm properly, which makes all of them pedophiles.
Common sexual practice of females
3. The Deniers
There exist some women who deny the non-existence of the female orgasm.
They would be adequately compared to the reverse form of someone denying the Holocaust.
One prime example of such an abomination is 24-year old Sarah Carmen who claims to suffer from Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (PSAS) and has to endure more than 200 orgasms per day.
First of all, that's a huge lie.
And secondly, this would only be possible if she was a man and even then this number would only be average and not really impressive.
That's how a man disguising himself as a woman looks like.
There exists a movement called Global Orgasm for Peace which is a male movement which brings all its members together once a year (last year it was Monday, December 21, 2009) and urges them to participate in some good ol' fashioned Public Mass Wanking which is filmed and published to remind all women on the planet of who's the boss.