Bayonetta
Bayonetta was an extensively marketed, well-hyped video game that knew exactly what certain gamers wanted to spend their money on: Chicks that get increasingly naked as they kill things.
Just The Facts
- Bayonetta looks like the perfect storm of what marketing companies think gamers are: Horny, lonely, and embarrassing.
- The developers in charge expected to be sailing oceans of money on diamond yachts after its release.
- It was absolutely, thoroughly, and completely crushed by a glorified Nintendo Powerpad.
Cracked.com on Bayonetta
Most young males are connoisseurs of two things: Video games and breasts. Bayonetta, being the evolutionary pinnacle of both ridiculous video game spectacle and confounding, fetishistic boobie-watching, should therefore be considered the ultimate in lowest common denominator pandering. But before you dismiss it as both completely insane and so sexually frustrated that it borders on "sexually enraged," consider these rather compelling arguments in favor of Bayonetta:
1) It truly does have some very prominent boobs.
Two of them, to be precise.
Wait, hear us out: Video games are constantly pandering to the male audience - shoehorning tits into every empty byte until the final product is more like Cinemax with save points than interactive storytelling. Almost every game has huge, heaving breasts in varying states of undress, but in other games they're either completely incidental - like somebody made a "Huge Titties" brush in Photoshop and had an epileptic seizure while using it - or else they're the endgoal: The game forcing you to go through an eternal fetch quest just to see a brief glimpse of them.
Virtual titty technology has come so far...
In Bayonetta, however, the lovely heroine is constantly in varying states of undress; it's actually harder to keep her clothes on. If boobs in other games are Princess Zelda, patiently waiting for you to complete the rest of the game before you get to see her, then Bayonetta's breasts are more like Na'vi from Ocarina of Time: Constantly on display, making themselves known and giving advice (usually "Let us out!") damn near to the point of annoyance. If games are going to pander anyway - and let's face it, they are - Bayonetta at least does so with a frank sort of honesty.
"Do you guys enjoy breasts?" the other games coyly ask, "If so, would you mind pushing this block around the room for four hours? You might get to see some!"
"Listen, you guys" says Bayonetta, settling across from you, its brow knit in earnestness "you want titties, and I have them. It costs me nothing to make something shaped like a boob out of flesh colored pixels; there is simply no reason we shouldn't all be wallowing neck deep in mammaries. Let the eternal festival of breasts commence!"
2) The game actually has quality, engaging gameplay.
We're not sure how many of you have played boob-centric games before (but if we know our demographic, then rough estimates place it at approximately 240 percent of the people reading this,) so you likely already know that they spend their entire budget on Kleenex for the developer's cubicles and thus the actual "game" parts are more annoyance than entertainment.
See, our game has gigantic heaving breasts! Do you want to play? Great! Press A to start level one of Advanced Accounting: Revenge of the Integers.
In Bayonetta, the main character's bare skin is your constant reward for participating in some highly intuitive, fast-paced, good old-fashioned ass-kicking. Gave some enemies a good kick in the balls? Have some leg. Successfully pulled off the right combo? Have a veritable onslaught of ass. Just beat one of the giant stage bosses? Here's twenty minutes of a fantasy-themed gynecological exam. For the most part, the girly parts actually compliment the gameplay - and vice versa. Which brings us to our final point...
3) Despite point #1, Bayonetta is inexplicably treated as a legitimate, respectable work.
Frankly, we never thought we'd see the day where such a boob-centric video game would be classified as something other than "smutty", "degrading" and "pornography", yet Bayonetta can be purchased at virtually every major retail outlet, and is being commonly hailed as a maturely sexual endeavor that empowers the female without masculinizing or marginalizing her.
And man, just look at those margins.
When he's not staring at pixilated boobs, Jim Avery is helping the Nintendo Gal manage video game news at NintendoGal.com.
The only problem is that the story makes no sense.
ReplyI freaking love this game and I don't get why other female gamers think it's exclusively "for men".
Reply"-commonly hailed as a maturely sexual endeavor that empowers the female without masculinizing or marginalizing her." Exactly.
She bleeds flower petals, sprouts butterfly wings, and uses lollipops for power-ups and health recovery. Not to mention she's intelligent and uses her extremely female "assets" to kick serious ass.
I own Bayonetta and it's like mind blowingly awesome! Any girl who says it's just for men are kind of stupid because she's extremely girly, confident beyond all belief, powerful and holy s**t a list of other things I don't have time to mention.
I'm so glad I bought it, it's an amazing game.
It would be fine if it weren't just another God of War/Prince of Persia game. I only rent those type of games usually because you can beat them the same day and, well, there's nothing else to do once you do beat it. Also, Bayonetta's demo was good enough, and free.
First thing tomorow morning i'll buy this game....
ReplyI think I'm the only guy who owns a 360 that DOESN'T play Bayonetta. guess it doesn't matter I can't stop playing Torchlight... 18 hours every day
ReplyThis article was a complete hunk of shit. The author should be forced to play wii fit for a month.
ReplyHe'd be better off than if he played Bayonetta for a month. I mean unless you value a trashcan full of tissues
"He'd be better off than if he played Bayonetta for a month. I mean unless you value a trashcan full of tissues"
You both realize this is a humor website, right? I love Wii Fit. Not only that, but you'll notice at the bottom of the page that I help manage a website devoted to Nintendo news.
Sorry again, something's going wrong and it will not let me edit or submit any replies. I'll try to submit my post again.
ReplyThere's one flaw in your logic, William, if I was a woman why would I be even reading Cracked to begin with?
I do in fact have a dick thank you! I don't care who Wii fit targets, you shouldn't judge two different types of games on the same rubric. I own a wii and enjoyed Wii fit, and I shouldn't be called a woman for it! And what exactly made you think I was a woman anyway? According to your comment, it's because I'm on the other side. So everyone who disagrees with you is a woman?
I'm just getting tired of everybody making fun of the Wii because it doesn't fit with their style. Wii fit wasn't trying to make the yoga woman hot, if they did, no parent would buy it.
As a final note, I would like to say that no matter if I am a man or not, I still disagree with marketing sex in video games.
"There's one flaw in your logic, William, if I was a woman why would I be even reading Cracked to begin with?"
You do know that there are women who _write_ for Cracked, don't you? A lot of them, actually.
I'm a woman and I read Cracked. That's hardly a flaw in logic.
Edit: sorry, replied in wrong space.
ReplyThis review was completely biased! What if I made a review of these games with the rubric completely rigged so that Wii Fit would win? Because that's pretty much what you've done but the other way. Only in the end did you mention that Wii fit sold over 22 times better, almost like you were shocked that a game that targets a narrow group of people sold less than a game that can relate to basically everyone. I only played Wii Fit, and thanks to this article, I can safely say that I'm glad I did. And I don't need to have played both games to know which one I'd prefer! All I know is what's been said in this article.
Reply Hide All See All 9 Replies1 tubby tubby...
2 tubby tubby...
3 tubby tubby...
What?
i bet your a woman Yoshi, i havent played either cause i dont play games where you have to be a woman (a woman fighting like 50 men? yea right) or need to work out on a video game. obviously if you have a vagina your going to side with the other side.
A biased review? Well I NEVER!!
There's one flaw in your logic, William, if I was a woman why would I be even reading Cracked to begin with?
I do in fact have a dick thank you! I don't care who Wii fit targets, you shouldn't judge two different types of games on the same rubric. I own a wii and enjoyed Wii fit, and I shouldn't be called a woman for it! And what exactly made you think I was a woman anyway? According to your comment, it's because I'm on the other side. So everyone who disagrees with you is a woman?
I'm just getting tired of everybody making fun of the Wii because it doesn't fit with their style. Wii fit wasn't trying to make the yoga woman hot, if they did, no parent would buy it.
As a final note, I would like to say that no matter if I am a man or not, I still disagree with marketing sex in video games.
There's one flaw in your logic, William, if I was a woman why would I be even reading Cracked to begin with?
I do in fact have a dick thank you! I don't care who Wii fit targets, you shouldn't judge two different types of games on the same rubric. I own a wii and enjoyed Wii fit, and I shouldn't be called a woman for it! And what exactly made you think I was a woman anyway? According to your comment, it's because I'm on the other side. So everyone who disagrees with you is a woman?
I'm just getting tired of everybody making fun of the Wii because it doesn't fit with their style. Wii fit wasn't trying to make the yoga woman hot, if they did, no parent would buy it.
As a final note, I would like to say that no matter if I am a man or not, I still disagree with marketing sex in video games.
There's one flaw in your logic, William, if I was a woman why would I be even reading Cracked to begin with?
I do in fact have a dick thank you! I don't care who Wii fit targets, you shouldn't judge two different types of games on the same rubric. I own a wii and enjoyed Wii fit, and I shouldn't be called a woman for it! And what exactly made you think I was a woman anyway? According to your comment, it's because I'm on the other side. So everyone who disagrees with you is a woman?
I'm just getting tired of everybody making fun of the Wii because it doesn't fit with their style. Wii fit wasn't trying to make the yoga woman hot, if they did, no parent would buy it.
As a final note, I would like to say that no matter if I am a man or not, I still disagree with marketing sex in video games.
Okay, so there's where my posts went.
"Only in the end did you mention that Wii fit sold over 22 times better, almost like you were shocked that a game that targets a narrow group of people sold less than a game that can relate to basically everyone."
Yes, that's the joke.
I'll admit. I read just for the boobs.
ReplySo I'd love to know what sucks about Bayonetta from all the people bitching about it, as most of the reviewers seem to disagree. So let me know.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesHowever, your argument is completely discredited if:
A. You claim it's a Devil May Cry ripoff (it's not, it's from the man who made DMC. And the combat system is better).
B. You either haven't played the game, or haven't played it beyond 5 minutes in the demo (judging a book by its cover=WIN!), which I'm going to go out on a limb and assume makes up 99% of the people whining.
C. You don't like all the "J-pop" (there isn't actually any), or you think the story is bad (it's intentionally campy, and lawl at looking for a good story in an action game).
D. It offends your "sensibilities". Hell, Call of Duty and Gears of War offend my sensibilities with their s****y stories and retarded meathead "oorah" characters. However, as gameplay is most important in these types of games, I won't completely write them off for those reasons alone. Would you still be complaining if the character was different? If so, probably not a good reason to hate a game.
So yeah, unless you straight up don't like action games (which is fine, but then you must admit to not liking the combat system in God of War 3), I'd love to hear the reasons why a game where you can shoot GODDAMNED SHOTGUNS out of your feet, ice skate and fight with tonfas that shoot rockets, with the deepest combat system in any action game ever, and punch a god into the sun outright "sucks".
> So yeah, unless you straight up don't like action games (which is fine, but then you must admit to not liking the combat system in God of War 3)
I don't like that specific genre of games, and yes, I'll readily admit to disliking the combat system in God of War 3. The entire third-person beat-'em-up genre is of questionable quality.
> I'd love to hear the reasons why a game where you can shoot GODDAMNED SHOTGUNS out of your feet, ice skate and fight with tonfas that shoot rockets, with the deepest combat system in any action game ever, and punch a god into the sun outright "sucks".
You've already explained it. Not all of us want to play unrealistic freakshows. I, myself, weigh in more on the side of simulation gaming - not Call of Duty, but ARMA 2 and Grand Prix Legends territory.
I mean, I only have to address your first point to show how the game starts to annoy me. Dual-wielded weapons are bad enough, but attaching another set of firearms to somebody's goddamned footwear is just grounds for outright loathing.
Well hey that's fair, these types of games simply don't appeal to you. And that's fine. But then you don't seem to fit the mold of most of the people on here pulling a "ninja" and just popping in, posting "Bayonetta sucks" or calling it a DMC rip-off and disappearing.
Well hey that's fair. These types of games simply don't appeal to you. And that's fine. But you don't quite seem to fit the mold of most of the people commenting on here; pulling a "ninja", popping in, posting "Bayonetta sucks" or that it's a "DMC ripoff" and disappearing.
hey i have a reason for not liking it...
why do I have to play a woman? I hate games like that, even if that sounds sexist whatever, its totally unrealistic in my opinion let alone all the other stuff the guy above me said about the gun shoes.
So you either don't like action games or you're retarded and sexist...interesting. I'm going to go ahead and call BS on the idea that most people have a problem with unrealistic games either. Aside from RAK, who clearly prefers more simulation-esque games, most people have played and enjoyed plenty of unrealistic games. Mario, for example. So if you're cool with taking mushroooms to grow huge and stomp on turtles, shotguns in your shoes shouldn't be a problem.
That's supposed to be a screencap of prominant boobs? It looks like a dead dragon sitting next to a bridge.
ReplyWell, you're comparisng 2 games I have absolutely no interst in.
I've never played Bayonetta, but from how it sounds... it's typical video game dribble. Sounds like the same idea re-hashed into an equally bad storyline. Calling that a good game would be like calling Percy Jackson a good movie.
ReplyI thought you said it was good game, bayonetta is the exact opposite.
ReplyI bet the developers are reeling in pain from the strike of your razor-sharp wit.
I think any sex aspect of Bayonetta was simply used to parody the heavily male video game market. and even be a fairly empowering game for women since Bayonetta tends to use her sexuality as a weapon and early in the game shows she has no respect for the stereotypical idea that all women want to cook and have babies. she flat out says "do I look like I enjoy children?... well maybe making them but nothing else about them" also showing she has a very free love idea of sex unlike most women in the media (I"M LOOKING AT YOU TWILIGHT!! YOU PUSHED THE WOMEN"S REVOLUTION BACK 50 YEARS!!!!)
ReplyIn addition, I will even dare say it was more mature than I expected. In between the full on blasphemy of Christianity (the game has you fighting angels, and the game ends with you summoning a demon to punch God into the sun), there were parts where it was almost as feminist as it was sexist.
ReplyIt may well be the most 'metal' anything, ever.
Congratulations. Your comment just sold me on the game more firmly than the entire article. >:D
I played through 3 hack'n'slashers consecutively; Bayonetta, Dante's Inferno, and Ninja Gaiden II. Even as the latter two were good and damn good, Bayonetta was the best one by far. I'd sworn never to buy that game, simply for fear of my reputation, but it was quite worth the loss of it.
ReplyThe Wii is actually fun. Bayonetta is trite and not at all innovative. It's just boring. Same ol, same ol, you know?
ReplyStory: You are fat.
ReplyLulz were had.
You know this is a comedy site, right?
ReplyComplete bullshit.
Reply Hide All See All 9 RepliesThat's what this article is, 100%. First off, there is the complete oversite as to the demographic of both these games. Since when was the demographic for Wii Fit "hardcore" gamers (a demographic that is gravely over estimated)? Every one that I know that owns Wii Fit are self respecting women between the ages of 30-60. Not some louthsome 15 year old in between whack off sesions to an unlimited supply of internet porn. Which brings me to my 2nd guff. There is an unlimited supply of internet porn! I don't need this pathetic over sexualized garbage shoved in my face like a burnt out ex-meth head at Hooters grabbing my drink.
And look at the freaking sales! Nintendo is the constant target of unmerited flaming ever since they pulled their marketing away from the "hardcore" gamer publications, and surprise, surprise, the publications start a crusade to bring down the good name of the company and all the "hardcore" gamers go along with it. And by the way, that "good name" is not an attempt to be ironic.
Nintendo is and has always been the industry leaders in inovation. They made wireless controllers, gamepads, thumb sticks, and rumble packs into industry norms (and of course everyone who mocked the motion controllers just can't seem to wait for Sony and Microsoft's late out the gate rip offs). Not to mention pulled the whole industry from collapse and invented the marketing structure to sell console at a loss that is still used today. Oh, and of course they never made a faulty system that had a significant failure rate.
Then there's the whole "Hardcore" audience. If making games that understandably put off female audiences is the definition of "hardcore" then I'll pass. That's cutting off half of the market right there by exempting all xy chromosone consumers. Not to mention that I don't want to go through the embarasment of having one of these xy's see that I would buy into something that is made by lonely, lonely men in dark seamen dankend cubicles that in turn is most likely used for beat off matterial for sadder, lonelier boys in dark seamen danked rooms.
So them reaching out to a broader market makes them some how a bad company? The "Hardcore" gamer demographic has hit a wall and they know that. I just wish that these crybabies would just stfu and let Nintendo do their thing with out the blind criticism of arm chair CEO's.
f**k "hardcore" games.
Wow, just wow, get over yourself dude. First off they claimed the Wii Fits target audience to be overweight people. And they didn't do any bashing of wii as a system or nintendo as a company in this article. Get over your nerd rage and relax will you. I only have a wii and I think you're being 'tarded.
You raged, you lost.
I agree with Some_Guy. The article was completely pointless and it acted as if Wii fit and Bayonetta were even in the same game category.
i second that, you are being 'tarded.
This is the greatest, most pathetic rage of all time.
I can't help but point out that the entire rant stemmed from Some_Guy's inability to read a simple chart. HAW!
u mad?
The reason Nintendo lost a lot of credibility among the "hardcore" crowd is that they more or less "sold out". They went for the bigger piece of the pie, dropping more complex single-player video games for simpler, group-oriented ones.
I don't necessarily agree that Nintendo did the wrong thing, considering that most of their games are cartoony games targeting children.
On the other hand, your head is so far up your ass you take a COMEDY ARTICLE about VIDEO GAMES so seriously you take the time to write a damn essay about how much "hardcore" games suck.
if you're a bird girls will be xy's. if you're human girls can be classified as xx's.
but i do agree on your 'fuck hardcore gamers' sentiment. they are only a small percentage and are always bitching about their games and trying to get illegal downloads. casual gamers are: a)a much bigger market, b)better behaved, c)not anti-social shut-inns obsessed with violence&titties.
therefore any company that has business-sense will concentrate on 'casual' (to the chagrin of the hardcore gamers who were used to being king of the gaming market)