Bayonetta

Bayonetta was an extensively marketed, well-hyped video game that knew exactly what certain gamers wanted to spend their money on: Chicks that get increasingly naked as they kill things. &&(navigator.u

Just The Facts

  1. Bayonetta looks like the perfect storm of what marketing companies think gamers are: Horny, lonely, and embarrassing.
  2. The developers in charge expected to be sailing oceans of money on diamond yachts after its release.
  3. It was absolutely, thoroughly, and completely crushed by a glorified Nintendo Powerpad.

Cracked.com on Bayonetta

Most young males are connoisseurs of two things: Video games and breasts. Bayonetta, being the evolutionary pinnacle of both ridiculous video game spectacle and confounding, fetishistic boobie-watching, should therefore be considered the ultimate in lowest common denominator pandering. But before you dismiss it as both completely insane and so sexually frustrated that it borders on "sexually enraged," consider these rather compelling arguments in favor of Bayonetta:

1) It truly does have some very prominent boobs.

Two of them, to be precise.

Wait, hear us out: Video games are constantly pandering to the male audience - shoehorning tits into every empty byte until the final product is more like Cinemax with save points than interactive storytelling. Almost every game has huge, heaving breasts in varying states of undress, but in other games they're either completely incidental - like somebody made a "Huge Titties" brush in Photoshop and had an epileptic seizure while using it - or else they're the endgoal: The game forcing you to go through an eternal fetch quest just to see a brief glimpse of them.

Virtual titty technology has come so far...

In Bayonetta, however, the lovely heroine is constantly in varying states of undress; it's actually harder to keep her clothes on. If boobs in other games are Princess Zelda, patiently waiting for you to complete the rest of the game before you get to see her, then Bayonetta's breasts are more like Na'vi from Ocarina of Time: Constantly on display, making themselves known and giving advice (usually "Let us out!") damn near to the point of annoyance. If games are going to pander anyway - and let's face it, they are - Bayonetta at least does so with a frank sort of honesty.

"Do you guys enjoy breasts?" the other games coyly ask, "If so, would you mind pushing this block around the room for four hours? You might get to see some!"

"Listen, you guys" says Bayonetta, settling across from you, its brow knit in earnestness "you want titties, and I have them. It costs me nothing to make something shaped like a boob out of flesh colored pixels; there is simply no reason we shouldn't all be wallowing neck deep in mammaries. Let the eternal festival of breasts commence!"

2) The game actually has quality, engaging gameplay.

We're not sure how many of you have played boob-centric games before (but if we know our demographic, then rough estimates place it at approximately 240 percent of the people reading this,) so you likely already know that they spend their entire budget on Kleenex for the developer's cubicles and thus the actual "game" parts are more annoyance than entertainment.

See, our game has gigantic heaving breasts! Do you want to play? Great! Press A to start level one of Advanced Accounting: Revenge of the Integers.

In Bayonetta, the main character's bare skin is your constant reward for participating in some highly intuitive, fast-paced, good old-fashioned ass-kicking. Gave some enemies a good kick in the balls? Have some leg. Successfully pulled off the right combo? Have a veritable onslaught of ass. Just beat one of the giant stage bosses? Here's twenty minutes of a fantasy-themed gynecological exam. For the most part, the girly parts actually compliment the gameplay - and vice versa. Which brings us to our final point...

3) Despite point #1, Bayonetta is inexplicably treated as a legitimate, respectable work.

Frankly, we never thought we'd see the day where such a boob-centric video game would be classified as something other than "smutty", "degrading" and "pornography", yet Bayonetta can be purchased at virtually every major retail outlet, and is being commonly hailed as a maturely sexual endeavor that empowers the female without masculinizing or marginalizing her.

And man, just look at those margins.

When he's not staring at pixilated boobs, Jim Avery is helping the Nintendo Gal manage video game news at NintendoGal.com.