If you know me in person, you know that I love booze and if you don’t know me you are now well informed welcome to the conversation. The fondness I have for alcohol can only be surpassed by Sean Connery's beard .
Just The Facts
- Best when consumed alone in the dark
- Copious amounts recommended
- if you are drunk you cant read this
SLEEP WITH YOUR SHOES ON
This is probably the first most important rule. Because what this means is if at any point you during your drinking event you fall asleep or black your drunk ass out , your friends or (depending whether you are loved or not)your family now reserve the right to fuck with your unconscious body.
Hahaha look at him he's sooo drunk lets cut off his toes it'll be funny.
And I know what you're gunna saY "nuh-uh, I trust my friend and they would never do that to me." All I can reply with is BULLSHIT! YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE MORE FUCKING WRONG. I can tell you right now, if you black out in front of your friends your friendship will crumble faster than the first little pigs house in Haiti(zing) and its not always dicks and stuff drawn on your face that's only the shit you hear about. What really happens is you and your cohorts (if you are a Russian diplomat) are going for the world record eight week binge drinking marathon (don't even bother, I hold the record at nine weeks)Then you exclaim "hey guys! Check out my heath ledger impression!" twenty seconds later you are blacked out laying down sideways on a chair, next thing you know you are waking up to the sound of multiple people trying to hold back laughter then BOOM someone just shit in your mouth. I know I know, I've seen it a thousand times, and you're a victim because that night that person didn't just shit in your mouth they also shit in your mouth pride(yea, that's a thing. Google it) and the only way to redeem yourself is to get that person to do their Britney Murphy impression then you get to glue their dick to the floor.
YEA. I get it, traveling is probably a good idea. You might just wanna go for a stroll or possibly get away form those sodomites you call friends and find somewhere where you can toss back a few and you don't have to worry about waking up with corn hole stitches (surprisingly easy to take out yourself!) But if you want to indulge in alcohol and wander aimlessly it comes with its own inherent risks when confronted by situations such as meeting new people (strangers) When you are an adult and under the influence of alcohol, "stranger danger" no longer applies. It's more like "Stranger? Lets go for a walk in the woods." and then you are no better off than you were with your fanny fondling friends. That's not the worst thing that can happen, especially if your into that kind of thing (Erik...accusing voice) Other risks include personal injury most of which you wont notice until the next morning.
DUDE! LAST NIGHT WAS SOOOOO CASH.
Along your meandering to a possible nowhere you might think " pfff, this is a long ass walk" and now you jump into a vehicle which may or may not be stolen. I don't care I'm not a cop and I don't judge nor did I see a what looked like a body being dumped in the trunk. Not my business. However, if you do happen to convince the cops that you never met a hooker between 8 and 11:30 because you were at your nephews birthday party (Erik) you will certainly not pass the breathalyzer or the field sobriety test which brings me to number three.
GO TO YOUR DUI TRIAL
You may have gotten away with dumping the familyless hooker without any suspicious persons report investigating you but you did get a hefty fine and a mandatory court appearance. Now you are nervous, not because you are drunk it's because you failed miserably to parallel park in front of the court house/town hall/police station. Shortly after receiving many menacing looks due to the fact that eighty beer cans fell out of the driver seat (they're just jealous, AND IMPRESSED!) As you walk in the door you franticly try to unwrinkle your tie so you can choose between covering the cigarette burn or the beer stain you got after hitting the curb and both cop cars on either side of you. You go with the beer stain because you think it will help your case. Before you enter the courtroom you need to realize that this is the American judicial system so your case has already been decided on a coin flip ( a chucky cheese token to be exact.) So pleading guilty would be no fun and it would be most fun to see how long you can draw this out. Then after hours of answering questions with stories about how much beer you can drink through your nose. You are probably convicted but only have to serve three weeks in a minimum security county jail because this is America I remind you and they want you back on the street to make more mistakes and pay the state more money (FACT!) Five months later you back on the road same as ever.
I'M READY TO FUCK SHIT UP
GO TO A JOB INTERVIEW
By now of course your current job as a school bus driver has caught wind of your trial and three week stretch in prison and decides they are no longer in need of your services. So lets say a nuclear missile launch facility is hiring and is in need of people to stand around the outside and pretend it's not a nuclear missile launching facility(Wal-mart) But before any of that takes place at some point there has to be some sort of interview. This is your time to shine because if George W. Bush can be elected (and I use that term loosely ) leader of the free world, surely you can manage to stand around AND be drunk all day. As of now you are attending your interview wearing the same shirt from your trial but you now are wearing a bow tie in place of a long neck tie in hopes that it will draw away from the fore-mentioned stain and burn hole. Despite your disheveled look and previous history things seem to be going well or at least you think so because half way through the interview you start to wander off and ponder what would happen if you pressed the big red button on the interviewers desk. It also doesn't help that when you explain why you weren't listening you happen to mention that you were trying to imagine how many office supplies you could steal just on you way out the door and don't say "a lot, donch'a think" and then laugh for seven minutes.
ROB A BANK AT GUN POINT
SOOOO, OK your interview didn't go so well and that's ok. Although, by now you are running out of funds for your debilitating alcoholism and need to make some quick cash. So you stroll into the bank to see if anybody wants to buy anything from your collection of used guns and worthless collection of "kick ass" bottle caps. Then after a moment of realization of what everyone thinks you're doing already and decide to get all "Wyatt Earp" in this bitch and rob them at gun point. After trying to shoot money out of the ATM for twenty minutes you are reminded of this story about how you and your cousin boomer were shoot'in at cans with a twenty two and about how he has only one testicle now. After holding everyone hostage for nine hours you succeed in selling one of your guns (and a reasonable amount of bottle caps) and you are now yourself being held at gun point ( fifteen dollars richer I might add) and are now in prison again but for only five weeks this time. Shortly after being released from prison and no longer have "beer bucks" you sue the state for wrongful imprisonment and win the coin flip cus that's how it works and receive a large cash settlement.
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